Three years.......then break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Three years.......then break up
3
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 11:09pm

My bf of three years (and great friend/best friend for eight) broke up last weekend. We're 25 and 24.

We are in the middle of a long-distance relationship. He lives and works two hours away from me, and I go to school and work in our hometown. He has family and friends here as well. We see each other only on weekends.

We have been fighting alot in the last few months. I work every other weekend in our hometown, and on my weekends off I drive to where he lives. He complains that the driving is expensive, which I agree, because I do it as well and I don't work full-time.

He says that he needs "space and time" to figure things out. He says that he wants to figure out if this is going to work between us and that he just wants a little distance. (We live apart.... how much more distant can you get?)

He says he wants more space and freedom to do things with his friends where he lives, and all of those friends are single. When he comes to our hometown, all of our friends are married.

He says he doesn't want us to date other people, he just needs a 'few weeks' to think about things. He says that he loves me, wants to be with me and no one else, but doesn't want to jump back into things right away.....(he says his friends will give him crap since he complained about our relationship before and then he just runs back to it.)

He doesn't want to come to our hometown as often (like the weekends I work)... but he still wants me to drive up and see him when I'm off.

His roomate is single and a major player, and I'm afraid has more influence on my exbf than he knows.

He says he'll call when he's ready to talk about things........and I'm stuck waiting.

any suggestions as to what this is all about??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 12:04am

No explanations, but I thought I'd share that I went through the EXACT SAME THING.

Let's see, my ex and I went to school for 8 months of the year together so we saw each other steadily. Then I went back to my hometown (he lives in the same city as our school) and he flies to china to see relatives. Because of time difference we talk 2-3 hours max on msn. 6 weeks later (just before he's scheduled to come home) and a week of silence (where he was on a tour of the country) and he wants space. SPACE?! We haven't seen each other in a month and half, or talked for more than an hour total in a week and he wants SPACE?! Oh, and then it was my self-described 'week of break up hell'. Where he went from "oh I didn't mean it", and "I want you to come visit ASAP" to "i'm not happy with you".

And wouldn't you know, it coincides with an invitation to this damned party from his friends. He had no idea I got an invite, but he didn't bring it up with me at all. So the train of thought from this is party -> the three amigos -> teasing about being WHIPPED -> uh oh, better dump the girlfriend. I"m not knocking his friends (oh wait I am), but people who's idea of a relationship is 2 months of "hey come over, babe, cuz we're going to screw" every night (and dear god I wish I were kidding), are perhaps not the best critics of your relationship. They taught him really neat things like how you shouldn't need to compromise with your gf or how gossiping behind her back upstairs is OK.

Anyways, enough with the rant. the whole point is that I've agonized over the same issues, and it's gotten no where, so I thought I'd save you the trouble. DON'T WAIT. Go read the posts "space", "zen of nothing", and "when to call". Best 3 posts I've ever read. Sandra's got it right on the dot. He wants space? Give it to him til he chokes on the excess.

gl!

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 11:00am

Welcome to the board cnm619,


You might want to read this: When he asks for space (aka, "a break")

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 9:35pm

I don't know if this is any comfort, but I'll relate my own experiences.

I also dated a guy for 3 years, whom I was best friends with since childhood. Toward graduation in college, he got too involved with his frat, friends, and partying, and said he "needed a break" from the relationship. We lived long distance and only saw each other once every 2 or 3 months and talk less than an hour a day, so I couldn't understand how he could want a break when we hardly ever talked or spent time together. I felt that we had no relationship and yet he said that I demanded too much of his time, which took away from his friends and beer parties every night, and he wanted a break.

So, I gave it to him and initiated NC for 5 months, until one of his family members died and I contacted him to give him my condolences. During those 5 months, he had called me repeatedly, left messages, emailed, texted, sent IMs, and everything, but I was strong and changed phone numbers, blocked him, etc. He never apologized-just expected to confirm our relationship status because he heard rumors that I was seeing someone new.

And the rumors were right. I had no desire to respond to him because I had met the most wonderful and caring guy a girl could ever ask for. Several years and many many delightful dates later, that wonderful guy and I are happily married. And the ex? He's still single.

"God never closes one door without opening another"