He came over last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
He came over last night
6
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:48pm

OMG! After 5 weeks apart and almost NC he wanted to see me. It was his birthday this weekend and it made me so sad to be here and not celebrate with him so a girlfriend suggested that we go visit a best friend of ours from high school who lives out of town. He emailed me on Friday asking to see me over the weekend. Well when he got my "out of office" reply he started calling me. After several phone calls from him I finally called him back on Saturday. He asked me what I was doing that night because some friend had some stuff planned but he wanted to make me first choice. I explained I was out of town which he responded with "Well I guess I deserve that" He asked if he could see me on Wednesday or Thurs of this week. He has been calling all the shots since the day he left me for his "break" and I'm tired of it! I have respected the no contact thing from the very beginning so I told him NO. I said I was going to be home Monday night and it was either that or nothing at all. He called me yesterday and said he would be there!

God the anxiety leading up to it! He came over and the minute I opened the door he grabbed me and we hugged forever. He explained that he knew he had been selfish with this whole thing but he had to get his head straight. He explained that he has run from every relationship he has ever had and after a couple of weeks he gets over it. With me he said that the first two weeks flew by but then they started getting longer and longer. He found himself missing me more and more and realizing how much he did love me. It wasn't going away but just growing stronger. I was very quiet and let him talk. I'm still very confused as to why he left but he said it was just something he had to figure out by himself.

The problem now is that when we met he lived about 5 minutes away from me and we saw eachother almost every day. Then he moved in for a couple of months. Now his work has transferred him to another job 45min to an hour away. That is where he is now going to get an apartment. He told me he couldn't believe I thought he didn't want to be with me that he does. I just don't know if I can go from 5 minutes down the road/living together to almost an hour away. I'm used to seeing him everyday. I'm not sure this is a step backwards I want to take. My girlfriend told me that the second we saw eachother for the first time last night I would know and he would know. Well I know I felt it and I feel he did too! He asked me if I wanted to be with him and I told him I wasn't sure. He said he understood and we could take it slow. I don't know what to do! There was still so much left undiscussed last night. With this break and him freaking out the way he did I have put up a wall and now I'm afraid to talk about anything serious. He knows we need to have more converstaions so I know we will. I cried this morning because when he left I had no idea when I would see him again. I don't want last night to be just a quick fix so he can continue his break. I'm going to continue the NC or very minimal contact thing for now. He is going to have to come to me but I'm not going to sit here a longer than a week after the night we spent last night with him not trying to see me. I would assume that him coming over and talking and telling me that he wants to be with me that we will now start working on it. But then again I don't even know if I'm able or willing to work on it with this big move he has made. Why couldn't he find an apartment in between my house and work to make things easier on both of us????? I don't know what to do!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 6:38pm

Oh, it's tough to be in limbo like you are now! I'm glad for you that he's at least opened the door to seeing if things can be worked out, but you're not going to know whether they can be for a while.

However, I do think that if this is meant to be, you'll work out the logistics of his apartment. It's not like he's buying a place, right? And if you do decide to try to work things out, a little distance will help you take things slowly.

I'm a little concerned about what I'm reading as his sense of entitlement though--as though he's thinking that you should have just been waiting around for him to decide he wanted to see you and not made plans for the holiday weekend. That's something you'll definitely have to explore as you continue to work through this and see if it makes sense to try again.

I think your plan of letting him be the one to make plans to continue to talk is a good one, but I know it's hard. I hate ambiguity myself--I have so much trouble with staying in that space and being ok. But unless you want to break things off altogether I'm not sure what other choice you have.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:50pm

northwestwanderer,
Thank you so much for your response. I agree about him thinking I was just waiting around for an invite to be with him for his birthday. That is why my girlfriend felt that it was so important that we go out of town. I'm so glad we did! It showed him that I was still going about my life and not waiting for him! Knowing it was his birthday I still went ahead and made plans for myself. I was very proud of myself and I think it helped me in the long run.

You're right about the location situation. You're right he isn't buying anything and if it's meant to be it will be.

Thanks for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:50am

Hey little_one8 -

I'm so happy for you!!! Well happy that he came back and realized that he wants you. And I totally understand how you're afraid to just jump right back in the relationship. I agree with Sheri in that the hour distance will help you maintain your well needed space and will help you guys go slow.

If he really wants to be with you, he'll do everything he can to see you and work on things.

Good luck with everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:24pm

Hey!
I'm just still real confused! He emailed me twice and called 5 times yesterday. I'm afraid to respond or answer calls because I'm still so hurt I'm afraid I cant be nice so it's easier to just ignore. I finally called him back last night and it went went ok at first. He said I seemed a little out of sorts when he left yesterday morning and it seemed as if I had been MIA all day. I explained my fears of how I will act when we are on the phone that I was out of sorts when he left because there is still so much uncertainty. I said that I still thought we had a lot to talk about and his response was "nah everything is cool" Well that is when my attitude changed. NO EVERYTHING IS NOT COOL!!!!! I'm so freakin frustrated!!!!! When we were about to hang up I asked if we were gonna do something tonight like he asked and he said "I'll call you at work tomorrow and we will play it by ear" Well I'm not playing anything by ear. I need to know if you are able to see me or not! I don't think I can continue with him. This is just too painful! I want things the way they use to be and I know they cant. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I can't go backwards. Oh and as I'm writing this he just sent me a text message that said "I love and I'm glad you're back in my life"

I don't know what to do!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:33pm

Yeah, he's being a little too cavalier with your feelings IMO. Like he's thinking, hey, I'm back on my terms and *I'm* ok with it, so you should be fine with it too--pay no attention to the five weeks I was AWOL!

I would REALLY try not to ask anymore questions about getting together--assume that you are NOT unless he makes plans with you, and make other plans so you're not waiting around.

I would do some thinking and writing in the meantime and come up with a list of what you need to see from him in order to feel comfortable moving forward with him and talk to him about it the next time you see each other in person.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:14pm

How annoying!!!

It's like he isn't even thinking about how you felt through this whole ideal or even considering the fact that you're really hesitant about him.

Here's the thing: He took a "break" from you because he said HE had to figure things out, that he had some personal things to figure out that had nothing to do with you therefore he believed you didn't need to know about them. He came back from the break after "solving" or fixing his problems, comes back to you thinking you want him back as much as when he left you, and that everything will be hunky dory because he finally got through what he had go through. And you would be happy because he was back. And when you say you have to talk to him about things, that you still have unanswered questions, he thinks, "why should she worry about anything? I'm back. I'm fine now, nothing's the matter, there are no problems. I've fixed what I needed to fix."

That just shows me that he's still being selfish and not considering your needs and he hasn't thought about the fact that his taking time off also affected YOU, not only him.

I would recommend sitting him down and telling him how you felt when he was away. Let him know you're glad that he figured out his issues and you would like to know what was going on with him while he was away and how he got his stuff resolved. Only because you love and care for him and you two are in a relationship where you know what's going on with the other person. And make a list of what you want and how you want it. For example, if you want to build up your trust with him, how do you think you'll get it.. or if you want to start slow, then casually date each other.. like starting over. And discuss it with him.

But definitely sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel. I know you're angry but I don't even think he realizes that he isn't reconciling the best way he can.

Good luck and tell us how it goes!!