When the final ties are cut...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
When the final ties are cut...
1
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 6:19pm

It's funny how you think you're moving on because "no contact" has been redefined in today's era. Since our breakup was strange on his end-- him insisting it was not really a breakup, but just a "break" to think about the relationship... where as I told him I was not waiting an indefinite period of time so I would just ocnsider it over.... I expected him to ACT like he last spoke to me: still in love, still loves me, still wants to marry me... all the things he said in his last email to me. It was strange because there was nothing angry in our last phone conversation or emails. NOW it feels like there is anger. Which makes me want to talk about WHY but I also need to maintain NC. I think me sending him back all his letters made him mad... though I am not sure why. I just didn't want to keep them and figured if HE is the one thinking we have a future, then he should keep them (logical, but then again, I didn't really explain it to him--just sent them). That seemed to trigger anger.

We were both avid Facebook users, even though we did not use to contact eachother much since we had other ways. I immediately took off pictures of us together and deleted public love messages, though I had never set my "relationship status" so that was not an issue. When he got my package of letters, he changed his status to "single," deleted our pictures on his en, and began RAPIDLY messaging as many girls as possible, knowing I also saw his private messages since I had his pw (it was an issue a while back that I felt he was responding to fliratious girls incorrectly so he stopped messaging single girls altogether unless I okayed it). I, being mature and wise, retaliated by messaging MY single guy friends (though not as intensely as him). We did not delete eachother as friends at this point. I was shocked he was advertising himself as single since he told ME he did not consider himself free or single since he still loved me. LIAR. Anyway, this went on for like 3 weeks and then he changed his pw. I was a little relieved because it removed the obessession with checking. At the same time, whlie he messages were not hurtful when I knew they were intended to make me mad and not because of any interest in a girl, now I didn't KNOW what he was doing-- so it wasn't for me and that makes it worse. Then last week, I had a thoght he might possibly have guessed my pw since I had given it to him for other websites in the past,and changed it. That same day he deleted my as a friend and completely blocked me. I was so taken aback. It was like a breakup all over again that he was saying to me "I don't want ANYTHING to do with you"... to ME, whom he told 1 month ago (1 month 3 days post-break now--wow) he loved me and was still mine. HA. Anyway, it's a relief I didn't have to do it because I knew I should but couldn't bring myself to do it...it felt too mean. Of course, I think part of it is an immature power play because he feels since I was the one who just didn't respond to his last email, that I got to be the "dumper" and this was his way of being the one to cut final contact.

Of course, the BAD part is that since I have my best friend's password and they were FB friends (because of me, they met once through me) and he hasn't deleted my friend... SO I can still see his site and his messages to most girls. He has a new neighbor who is hot and a co-student of his and he is definitely flirting with her. AGH, I KNOW I shouldn't look but somehow it's just hard not too. It is a WAY relief to know he can't see my site and I can now freely interact with my true friends without it being a show for him that I am moving on. I also can't see his private messages so I really don't know what is going on, and he goes to school/works/and lives near these girls while I am across the country so I don't stand a chance anyway. I know from experience that the online flirting stops when the 8-hours-a-day convos start.

Amazing how short posts turn long so easily. ANyway, I found these final severances of communication to be hard because I am no longer convinced I am all he thinks about...and the hardest part of all this has been that he was mr. "Iwanttomarryyou" for a year while I was the reserved one, and now HE withdrew those promises and it sucks.

I know I just need to let the anger simmer and dissipate instead of trying to resolve it but a HUGE part of me is wanting to go "Wait, we ended amicably, why is there anger now? What did I do?"... but I won't. And time is passing quickly, so I am grateful for that. How can he email me and say "I love you" and then delete me as a friend? AHHH. Jerk. Of course, I ironically still get the last "cut off" because I deleted subsequently him as a myspace friend and we both use myspace so little that to my knowledge he STILL has pictures of me and love notes to me all over his page... it will be embarrasing when he realizes I unfriended him and he still hasn't ungirlfriended me yet =)
-Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 6:29pm

Ah the FB wars. lol. Wonder what people did before FB started.

Anyways, regarding the anger on his part, I can tell you I was pretty damned angry when I picked up my 'extra' stuff (hello pictures + gifts). I am clueless regarding how to handle gifts, but I can tell you I'd rather he'd have thrown them out.

I don't recommend playing games on facebook like this. It ties you to him a lot longer than it should and delays the moving on process. Plus it comes off as sort of childish IMO. I can't speak for his friends, but a lot of my friends who have access to his facebook profile don't look too highly on the fact that he's trashed me repeatedly on everyone's wall. Hurts now, in the long term you'll look back and be proud of taking things graciously. I know I definitely am.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your