My First Break Up
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My First Break Up
| Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:39pm |
I've been dating this guy for a year now. Long Distance the entire time. A few months ago, we decided that our relationship wasn't going to go anywhere if something wasn't changed. I decided that I wanted to move where he was. He just started the second year of his three year surgical residency, so going anywhere was not really an option for him. The hard part of my decision was that I had just gotten accepted into some MBA schools where I curently live, but I decided that the opportunity of life with him was more important. I could always just go to school where he was. So I started looking for jobs, apartment, and applied to school there. I went to visit this weekend and I kinda knew that things weren't going to go so great. We both realized that over the past few weeks, it had gotten weird between the two of us and when i asked him two weeks ago if he still wanted me up there, he said he didn't know. After being there for a couple days, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him what the deal was with us. Basically, he was apprehensive about me moving up to be with him. He wouldn't have alot of time to spend with me; not the time I needed or deserved and he would be devestated if I moved and things didn't end up working out between us. The other problem is that he has so much on his mind with work that he is stressed out. (This, i can completely understand, his job is hard, time consuming and he makes such little money its ridiculous) I think that adding our realtionship on top of all that was too much. So we ended it.
This is my first relationship. I'm 26, which yes, makes me a bit of a loser. But, I am so picky about who I give my time and attention to. The thing is, he is such a great guy. We have similar backgrounds and goals. He is dedicated (maybe too much) to his career. He's honest and the one thing that makes it even harder is that he respects me and my decisions. For example, I decided that I did not want to have sex with him and wait. He has been completely fine with that and even refuses to give in when I want to. It's hard for me because I'm the type of person that will keep going until I know that it's a completely hopeless cause. To me, it feels like he just gave up and subsequently I feel like i just wasn't worth it to him. Thats what hurts the most. And now this thing that I had is gone and this life I was planning has vanished. And i'm empty. Part of me hates him so much and the other part cares so much and those are two things that I cannot put together. how can someone change their mind like that? So now i've started to over think it (like i do with everything) and wonder what happened. Is there someone else? Did he ever really care about me? Did we make a mistake?
I don't know what to do with myself. I need some advice. Right now its hard for me to swallow the fact that we will not be together again. And I'm scared that there isn't anyone out there that is better than he is.
This is my first relationship. I'm 26, which yes, makes me a bit of a loser. But, I am so picky about who I give my time and attention to. The thing is, he is such a great guy. We have similar backgrounds and goals. He is dedicated (maybe too much) to his career. He's honest and the one thing that makes it even harder is that he respects me and my decisions. For example, I decided that I did not want to have sex with him and wait. He has been completely fine with that and even refuses to give in when I want to. It's hard for me because I'm the type of person that will keep going until I know that it's a completely hopeless cause. To me, it feels like he just gave up and subsequently I feel like i just wasn't worth it to him. Thats what hurts the most. And now this thing that I had is gone and this life I was planning has vanished. And i'm empty. Part of me hates him so much and the other part cares so much and those are two things that I cannot put together. how can someone change their mind like that? So now i've started to over think it (like i do with everything) and wonder what happened. Is there someone else? Did he ever really care about me? Did we make a mistake?
I don't know what to do with myself. I need some advice. Right now its hard for me to swallow the fact that we will not be together again. And I'm scared that there isn't anyone out there that is better than he is.

There will be, don't worry. Heck there are 3 new cardiac surgery residents in my hospital every year. That's a lot of surgery students.
Anyways, on a more serious note, I hope you at least see that giving up your dreams for someone isn't the best course of action. Ultimately it' puts a lot of pressure on that person to stay together and if you break up, you end up with resentment and regrets.
In any case, I didn't really date til way past all of my friends. I don't really regret it. It meant I had the benefit of their dating experience when I finally started. I just ended my first serious long term relationship a couple of months ago. First Love always cuts the deepest.
Anyhow, a lot of people are like you in the sense that they like to work on things until they hit a solution. Especially the type A personalities. Hardest thing one has to learn is that this solution is the absolute worst thing you can do. And a lot of what you're feeling is normal - the emptiness, the wondering about what he's doing, thinking, etc. Don't focus on that too much.
Feel better!!
Susanna