Friends after breaking up???
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Friends after breaking up???
| Wed, 09-05-2007 - 9:10am |
Hi everyone. I was seeing someone for just a couple of months, not a long time, but we spent so much time together, quality time, that I actually feel closer and shared more with this guy than other guys I had been with much longer. We weren't sure what we wanted but we agreed to just see what happens. Ok, last night we talked, and he told me he does not want to be in a relationship at this time (he has had serious problems in the past, battling drugs/alcohol, failed marriage, money problems) He has been rebuilding his life over the last year and a half and is doing very well, but I guess it is a constant struggle for him and he is still "not right" as he told me last night. Although I could see we weren't headed for anything long term, we get along so well together and genuinely enjoy each others company, I felt very sad that it wouldn't be more, but I am willing to accept it. Ok, here's what has me confused. Do we still stay "friends"? We don't want to lose each other that way because we really, really have a great time together. I've never had such in depth conversations with anyone, let alone a guy. We are so similar in ours ways, there is such a feeling of comfort when we are together, and we are constantly making each other laugh till we cry. That's what is driving me crazy! I hate to lose this, but how am I supposed to move on and mourn the loss of what will never be if I am still seeing and talking to him?! And what do we do if someone eventually enters either my picture or his picture, romantically? I DO want a relationship, but I feel like seeing him will hold me back from trying to meet someone else, because I will always have this little ray of hope that things might change. And I would be devastated if he met someone else. At least if I wasn't actively friends with him I wouldn't know. Right after we "broke up" he called me an hour later to ask if I wanted to meet him to go shopping. Then he instant messaged me on the computer and we were talking about all kinds of stuff just like always. Part of me is glad he is still wanting to talk/be with me, but part of me is saying what's the point??? Also, we never evolved to a sexual relationship (just some heavy making out) so it's definitely not like he's sticking around just to get that. Sorry this is so long...any input would be appreciated! THANK YOU!

It is entirely possible to be friends with an ex, but not until you are both over any romantic feelings for each other. Usually that means taking a break with no contact for a while.
The sooner you start that break, the sooner you'll be able to move on and then reconnect with him as friends.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thank you for responding. I've read several posts around here that suggest what you've mentioned. Is there any sort of "standard" time limit on this, or does is vary depending on the relationship/couple? This is all so new to me...any other breakup I've been through was always completely final, there was never any contact at all afterwards. He's acting exactly like we always were, which is so confusing to me. It also makes me wonder, why is he making such a big deal then, if he's still acting the same, because it's not like we were in some kind of seriously committed relationship for years. I feel like the semantics are getting in the way, if that makes any sense.
It would be hard not to see him or talk to him, because we talk every day and see each other almost just as much. I know I will miss him so much if I don't. And I am afraid he won't understand needing some time apart before we can be friends, I don't want him to think I just don't want to see him. Another thing that is hard is he lives close to me, another first as all my exs don't live close to me so there is very little chance of my running into them. There is a good chance we will run into each other. As it is, I already have a feeling he drives by my house.
Damn this is hard.
It varies based on several factors, including how long you were together. But basically the length of time is however long it takes to not have romantic feelings for him. You'll know you're ready when the thought of calling him up to catch up and him telling you about this great new woman he met doesn't make you want to throw up.
I would just explain to him why you're taking a break so it's clear.
And yes, of course you'll miss him! But the pain of being in the limbo of a so-called "friendship" with someone you still have feelings for is worse, plus it's never ending so long as you continue like that. At least with no contact, it WILL get better.
Sheri