Don't understand relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Don't understand relationships
4
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 9:39am

I was walking this morning and thinking about relationships. I have a friend who says she doesn't want to get married again.

Nate (which is the guy who I have to be friends with now) says he doesn't want to get married again. says it's an overrated institution.

I know some people don't get married, but what's the point in being in a relationship?? Sure for companionship, who doesn't want that?

I was brought up thinking everyone who really loved and cared and was devoted to each other got married. I grew up thinking people were to be married to have kids.

Sure things are different now (I'm only 31), I see a lot of different kinds of relationships, but I'm having trouble understanding them.....Which is why I"m here on this board.. Nate and I need to be friends because we want and believe different things.. So sad :(

I think it's good to have someone in your life, to be close with, to be intimate with, to share feelings only with each other and noone else, but what's after that? What's marriage mean? and why do you have to get married if you love someone??

I'm starting to change my views on relationships.. Do I ever want to get married again?? Would I be happy being someone's companion?

I don't want to be lonely in my life and I hate losing the people I'm close with. I'm only close with a couple people.

I'm confused. My head hurts! I'm hurting cause I don't want to lose Nate!
Why is it that I wouldn't just want him to be my companion and I would resent him??

any help would be appreciative.. Thanks




Edited 9/5/2007 9:56 am ET by skittlesrock
Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:25am

Skittlesrock,

I so hear what you are saying. I am in exactly the same place. It totally sucks. I'm so sorry you are hurting, if it's true they say misery loves company, then we are perfect company for each other right now.

I don't get marriage either. I am 35, and have been divorced for 3 1/2 years now. I have no children (still not sure about that one, and the thought of my time "running out" is not helping). My personal opinion seems to have landed on, What's the point in getting married? I know it can be great for some people, it's not like I am totally against it, but I feel like it places unrealistic expectations on people. People change, they grow/develop in different directions, and then they sometimes realize the person they are with is just not right for them anymore, through no fault of either party. But to say that to someone you are married to, that you most likely vowed to be with through thick and thin, till death do you part, etc. etc. will be most likely be met with a feeling of being betrayed, deceived, given up on, etc. To say nothing of the legal and financial aspects of ending a marriage. Or a person feels trapped or obilgated to stay because they are married, another horrible situation for both parties to be in, especially if there are children involved. So that makes me think, what's the point? Why not be with someone, for however long it lasts, whatever it may be, with out the legal binding? I know a lot of people would disagree (and I'm sure I will hear about it) this is just something I've been thinking about.

As far as companionship...I am confused too. I am in a similar situation (I just posted "friends after breaking up") I don't know what to do either. I don't want to lose the guy I was seeing as a friend, but it also hurts/confuses me to see him as just a friend.

I don't know if this helped...I just hope you feel better soon. *HUGS*

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:32am

Hi skittlesrock,


With or without marriage are you happy where you are in life (with or without him)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:33am

I'm starting to change my views on relationships.. Do I ever want to get married again?? Would I be happy being someone's companion?


No, I don't think you would be happy. You would be lying to yourself and settling for less than what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 4:19pm

I think I'm with Erica on this one. I'd say it's one thing to re-evaluate what you want one some, say, random day and it's another thing to do it post-break up when it's the reason for your split. The fact that your thinking never changed during the relationship is probably a good indication of what you really think.

Maybe I'm way off the mark, but when I broke up, I remember thinking for a while afterwards, "well it's not THAT bad. I mean rarely keeping his promises, being chronically late, never calling when he should. I can live with that". Only...that's the thinking of him and his group of friends, but not me and mine. That's the bargaining phase of this grieving, when you do the "if I do this....".

It's normal for beliefs and values to evolve as you experience more, but not when the underlying reason is to get someone back and not because you truly believe in that. There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage, no matter what other people tell you. Many people (not all) marry every day because there's something in the institution that resounds with them. I know personally marriage isn't just a piece of paper, it's statement that you're willing and happy to tie yourself to me in a way that will make splitting apart really difficult in the future. Or ideally anyways. Anyhow, better get back to work.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your