Breaking up after almost 6 years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Breaking up after almost 6 years!
15
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:36am
I just need some support to know I'm doing the right thing here. My boyfriend of 6 years told me a few days ago that he's at a point in his life where he's not happy and is no longer in love with me. He seemed to change somewhat, months ago, distancing himself from me. I thought maybe it was stress from work, etc. and when I asked him if he was okay, he always said yes.
Well, at first I was devastated, and my heart is broken. I loved this man from the bottom of my heart and thought he was my soulmate. Apparently not, huh? We talked awhile, and decided that after a period of time, we could try and be friends. I can't imagine my life without him in it, so I'll settle for being friends. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that he just turned 40 and is having a midlife crisis, and if I wait long enough, he'll realize he's still in love with me and come back. We got along so well, with very few disagreements in all those years.
I am keeping busy, working hard and saving my money for my future, whether it includes him or not. I'm taking care of my health, and doing things I enjoy.
I'm sure, since time heals all wounds, that after awhile I'll be fine. I'm just wondering how many of you are friends with your ex and how you deal with it after being so in love with that person.....any feedback? Please?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:31am

Almost exactly a year ago, my 7 year relationship ended. Just like your situation, he told me he wasn't happy and that he lost feelings for me. He said I would be the perfect wife, but he wasn't looking for that right now. He said we fell in love too early and he wanted to experience other "things." Instead, he wanted to be promiscuous.

It hurt me so bad since he was my first love/first boyfriend. I thought he was going to be my future husband. It was really difficult for me because everything was just so new. I'd never experienced a break up. Just like everyone says, you've gotta keep yourself busy. I started exercising, worked more hours, shopped, rekindled lost friendships, ect... One thing I had to do was stay away from the internet. Seeing his pictures up on Myspace and on other websites would just hurt me even more. I tried being friends with him, but it was just too hard. I always had feelings for him and I think those feelings will never completely fade. The only thing I can do is accept it and move on.

From the looks of it, it seems like you are very strong. I can't commend you enough! You have a very positive outlook on everything. You are better off without him! Someone else will come along and appreciate you so much more!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:10pm

Welcome to the board shanoose,


It's really hard to remain friends with someone when you still have romantic feelings for the person, like in your case. If you are hoping to stay friends to 'be there' in case he decides he really does love you, that probably won't work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 1:17pm

Hi Shanoose,

I'm really sorry to hear about your break-up and can completely relate to what you're going through. My 5-year relationship (which was a 10-year best friendship prior to the romance) was broken off last November, and I am still heartbroken. While I hope to find happiness with someone new eventually, I know I will miss my ex forever. He has been such a major part of my life for so many years...the loss of him feels like a death. I know how badly you must be hurting right now, and how hard it is to go through the motions of everyday life while trying to handle it.

As much as I hate to say this, the others are right about remaining friends. It just isn't possible to do that when one person is still in love with the other. All it does is create false hope, therefore prolonging the misery of the one who still loves. The best thing to do is cut off all contact with him. Believe me, if he has a change of heart, he will contact you.

Hang in there...you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 9:50pm
Thank you, iminseclusion, for your kind words. I do feel fairly strong, as I was in a 23 year marriage with someone who was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive. It took me that long, and years of counseling, to take that step, and I've never regretted it. You can't be something you're not just to make other people happy. I feel sad at losing this wonderful man, but I know there's nothing I can do to change his mind. Our relationship was based on each of us being ourselves, and maybe someday he'll come back to me, but I don't want to wallow around in self-pity and beat myself up wondering what I did wrong, because I know I didn't do anything. He even told me that. I will always love him-I didn't really know what love was until I met him. I wasn't even looking for anyone when he came into my life, so I know God had a hand in our meeting and falling in love. I thank Him for the time I got to spend with this man, and I leave the relationship with much more than I went into it with. Yes, my heart is broken, but it will heal and I will be a better person than before. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.
Iminseclusion, keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:07pm

Hey, cl-itwinflame,

Thanks for your insight. My ex also said that even though he wants to be friends, he would rather not keep in touch for awhile. I still have the house key so I can get all my stuff out eventually, and will give it back after. I really think I have more sense of self than to remain friends "just in case". He has enriched my life and taught me so many things, and I am grateful, but I won't put my life on hold for anyone. He has, since I've known him, been friends with one of his exes and I met her. We even went out with her and her husband a couple of times. She is sweet and told him she was on my side and that he has issues to deal with! But I won't contact her for awhile either, because I don't feel it's my place. Even though it's only been a short while, I can feel the healing starting.
Some of it is because of you guys and this board. Thanks for everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:22pm
Yes, scorpiogirl73, you are right, he will probably contact me eventually, even if just to be friends. I just have to find time to get the rest of my stuff out of his house, and then it will be easier. I work 50 hours a week and take care of my elderly mother.....which keeps my mind occupied, but doesn't leave much time for other tasks such as that! I do trust him completely not to mess with anything. I feel a lot better now and I thank you for your input. I will look out for my own happiness, and not worry about how long it will take him to contact me.
As for you, I hope you find someone who can love you like you deserve to be loved. Just take care of yourself, and be happy with who you are. Let's keep in touch and cheer each other on, K?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:12pm

Hugs, that one is tough. I have a feeling he may be depressed, in which case, no, there's not a whole lot of love in him to give. Doesn't mean there never was or never will be, there's just not much there now.

I'm wondering, even though I read you're ready to keep moving on, is whether your boyfriend has ever been married before or been in a long-term relationship, meaning longer than the one you shared with him? Some people unfortunately don't learn how to caretake long relationships until much later on in life, maybe they never had a good role model for that, or they have this Hollywood-infused and distorted view of love that it must forever remain like it was "in the beginning," which is naive in the extreme. Guys who've never been married before or haven't had exceptionally long relationships are especially prone to this type of thinking. (Rutgers studies show this)

Good luck to you, maybe you can answer my questions and shed some light on your situation for me? I'd appreciate that :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 3:30am

Sorry to hear about your break up - I know it's very hard, I have been there. As far as remaining friends, I would not because it would be hard when you know you still love the guy. Best way to heal is to cut off contact, continue keeping yourself busy, and believe me, the right guy who will appreciate you will come along when you least expect it. It's much better living a life as a single person than being lonely inside your heart. Just remember to keep smiling and hold your head up high. You will be fine. I wish you well.

Anna

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 12:39am
Sorry, my computer has been down for a few days....to answer your question, no, he's never been married before. He had a two-year relationship while he was in his early 20s, then a seven-year one in his late 20s-early 30s. It's weird because we had so much in common that we became instant friends on our first date. And I talked to him again this evening, to find out when I could move the rest of my furniture out of his house. He still brought up the fact that he's the one who's not sure what he wants...so I guess you're right about him not being able to caretake long relationships. We did talk about how we had alot of fun, and only really got on each others' nerves maybe three or four times during our relationship, which is a record for both of us considering our past track records! His parents' relationship was strained, so apparently he learned all about relationships from them. Maybe he's afraid of true happiness, or he doesn't even know what that means. Where do I find information on the Rutgers studies?
Thanks so much for your input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 12:49am

Hey, annameow!
Thanks for your input. Actually, I wasn't looking for any man when he came into my life. And our breakup wasn't really bad, as we never really hurt each other. We were mostly really good friends. Also, I really don't feel lonely. My life is still full of friends and family, and work, too. I won't keep calling him after I get all my furniture out of his house, and let him call me if he wants.
How long ago was your breakup? Are you doing okay?

shanoose

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