My ex wants to have dinner with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
My ex wants to have dinner with me
13
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 3:08pm
Long story - i've posted it previously....but quick overview again - my fiance and I broke up last month and he moved out. The breakup was basically because he's going thru some emotional stuff that he needs to fix before he can give me what I need as a lifelong partner. He's been going to therapy for a couple of weeks now - sorting thru his issues - he still emails, texts or calls daily. Sometimes, I answer and sometimes I don't. He sent me a text last night that said "I know this is hard, but just know that I'm trying to fix me so we can fix us". He asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow night. I REALLY want to go. I want to see him. I'm just afraid that I'm going to get emotional while I'm there. It's sad to say, but I need some guidance on how to put on a happy face and make conversation that is not related to the current issues between us. I just want us to go out and have fun so that he can realize why we fell in love in the first place. I think that's what he needs. Not for me to get sad or make him feel badly about what he's going through. HELP? Any suggestions on what to do or how to "fake" happy if I need to so I don't get sad?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 4:02pm

Okay I had to reply to this post when I saw you wrote "I just want us to go out and have fun so that he can realize why we fell in love in the first place."

I understand that you think being in that environment may make him miss you more, but honestly, I think he misses you so much that he doesnt need to be reminded of how much he loves you. He already loves you! That's why he's taking this time to fix himself so that he can be with you. His love and his health is what is motivating him to move forward. So you don't NEED to go out to dinner just so you can remember why you both fell in love.

And do you know why he asked you to go out for dinner? To make amends and start over? Or just to spend time? I think it'll be difficult to have a good time and talk about things unrelated to your relationship, because I bet you have all these covered emotions and these questions that you want to ask so badly but you know you can't.

And sure you'll get emotional, and he may to.

But do what you feel is best. It seems you guys will make it through this, so keep your head high, but be prepared for it not working out as well.

But I don't think he needs to be reminded of why you both fell in love. He loves you already. This time that he's taking to fix himself has nothing to do with you. No amount of love you give him will make him suddenly fix himself overnight. This is his own personal journey. That's what my guy (who is also trying to "fix" himself) said to me after I said, "I hope you miss me a whole lot to come back to me." He said, "I miss you now as much as I can miss you." From that I realized this has nothing to do with how much he misses me, he really has to go out and figure himself out so he can be prepared to be in a relationship.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 5:45pm
thanks for the post - i definitely think the dinner is just so we can spend some time together - I don't think he's quite ready to start over yet. I don't know if I'm ready to start over after he's only seen the therapist twice. He still has a lot of healing to do. I'm scared to jump right back into things until I know he's on his way to making things better with him. The things he's going through are the same types of things he's dealt with in past relationships. Fears of change, fears of disappointing, etc. He totally walked out on the other two ex's without looking back when he had these feelings. Didn't even try to make it work. But, he's told me that he loves me in a way that he never loved the last two (including his ex-wife) and can't imagine walking away from us. He never considered therapy when he was with them. So, I know there's something different with us. He wants to be a better person. So, I'm just trying to be patient and take things day to day. I want him to get better so we can start again. I can't imagine my life without him - and he's said the same of me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 6:30pm

Actually, I'm going to disagree almost categorically with what r2boston has said (sorry, girl!) for the reason that long-term couples (and I mean years n years n years, longer than I've been alive) need to do this all the time, do things and have an *unencumbered good time* to remember why they fell for each other in the first place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 9:29am

It's all good Sandra! I'm not a "pro", but I tried my 2 cents. I almost kinda knew you would reply back with something more deep and insightful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 8:43am
So, he sent me a text yesterday that said "I need a raincheck for dinner - sorry".
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 6:57pm

In a nutshell, yes to all your questions. Let it sit for a while. Have a full break and let him feel how that tastes in his mouth. A month does wonders. the only thing I have issue with is that he sent a text instead of dealing with this over the phone. Agh, the evils of technology in relationships! And this from the engineer! lol ;-)

Make sure you keep your focus on you for the next month. Work out, eat well, drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep, go out with your chicas, get your toes done, you know the drill.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 6:59pm
Glad you didn't take it personally ;-) So not pro over here, just been around the block one too many times, seen too much, made too many of the same mistakes and so I already know the outcome of them, you know? lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 10:54am
ok - here's the latest - Haven't talked to the ex since he said raincheck for dinner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 10:27am

Oh boy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:17pm
ok - so I got another text last night that said "I'm sorry about the other day - I want to go with you to your therapist".

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