His "loss of attraction?"
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| Mon, 09-17-2007 - 9:21pm |
My boyfriend of ten months broke up with me a week ago. It was sudden. We had spoken about marriage, had plans, and our relationship was the most stable that either of us has ever been in. All the way to the end (a week ago), we were still sending each other romantic messages, texting each other non-stop, missing each other even when we would only be away from each other for one day! He has repeatedly told me that he's never had a relationship with any other girl like he has been having with me. Constantly telling me that I'm the coolest girl he has ever been with, how hot and attractive he thinks I am, etc.
About a month ago, I asked him why we don't passionately kiss as often as we did only a few months earlier. We never fight about anything (except an occasional tiff about his want to stay home more often than me), and that was really the only thing I noticed that seemed weird. He reassured me that everything was fine and that he thought it was because he was just comfortable (also stating that he'd never felt that before either).
Well, last week, he was acting irritable (NEVER SEEN BEFORE) and I asked him if everything was okay. He mentioned being stressed about work and didn't feel like going to my mother's birthday dinner, but didn't mention this until after it was over. It kind of turned into the most uncomfortable situation that we've ever been in. Like I said, we've had tiffs about me wanting to stay out too late, or spending more time with my friends than his, but never to the point where it wasn't over in a matter of hours. They were hardly even bad enough to call fights. After his irritabiility, I went home (I have been staying at his house a lot lately) and wrote him a letter before I left telling him that I think I was going to stay at my house for a while and give him some space. I was afraid maybe he was getting sick of me being around or something. Later texts revealed that he didn't want me to do that and he kept telling me he loved me. Something still felt odd to me. I kind of pried, asking him if he wanted to still be with me, even though I could never fathom him saying no, because everything in our relationship is so strong. Our sexual activity wasn't as frequent as it was in the beginning, but I was under the impression that that was normal.
He finally did. He broke it off. He said that there is a spark missing and he has lost his attraction to me. I am devastated. This was the boy I was going to marry. All of his friends are shocked, as are all of mine. People are speechless. His girlfriends constantly would tell me that they have never seen him look at another girl the way he looks at me. This is just overall shocking. I feel sick, nauseated, can't eat, sleep and I feel like I can't do anything. I lost it a couple times and texted him, sent him emails, all asking him why? I guess because I can't wrap my head around this. I'm not being conceited, but I am attractive, as is he. I know if I were to go over there right now, especially after a week away from each other, we would just feel right in each other's arms. It's almost as if I just KNOW he is making a huge mistake! And so does everyone else. He is still telling me that he loves me and misses me (only through messages -- he won't talk to me on the phone) and I can't help but hold out hope that he just needs space and I just have to be patient. He is being somewhat definitive, telling me he thinks he made the right decision, but he said he is also scared that he is going to regret this. He even told one of his friends that he broke up with me, but he was scared he made a mistake because our relationship was still so good. All he can say is that he lost his attraction.
What am I supposed to think? I've suggested going to counseling with him. And I'm wondering if he maybe has a hormone imbalance? Or am I just tricking myself into believing that he's going to come back to me? He mentioned once that this has happened to him before in relationships, except this is different because before, he lost the attraction because the relationship was going sour. His longest relationship was 2 years, but he said it should have been over after one year.
I don't know what to do. I mean, obviously, I have to leave him alone. Just totally give him space. He also said that he needs to be away from me to "see if he can live without me." WHAT? I told him that after a while, time heals all wounds, so even if he starts feeling better about this, that doesn't mean he made the right decision! I could shake him! Is he scared? What does this "loss of attraction" mean? Is there no hope for this? I know he's upset and he's been crying and sad just as much as I have been. If he's so sad, why isn't he with me? He even went as far as to say that he thinks I'm hot, but he doesn't look at me "in that way" anymore.
Am I fooling myself into looking too deeply for hope that eventually he'll want me back? Is this loss of attraction thing normal and have you heard of this before?
I feel like I'm never going to feel better. He is my world. :(

Welcome to the board littlediz78,
I'm so sorry your post got overlooked.
Give him space, for yourself, not for him.
But I'm not sure I agree with Carrie on this loss of attraction business, since this sounds less like a 'loss of attraction' and more like 'loss of the golden glow'. Too many people (mostly guys in my experience) confuse the loss of the fireworks and passion with loss of attraction (in my opinion). They think because it's not thrilling and explosive like it used to be, that the relationship is dead.
But either way, no matter how he came to the conclusion, you're still stuck with the same problem. And fortunately the rules for dealing with break up are always the same. Don't worry, I promise you'll weather this and feel better.
Hugz
i wanted to bring this up again b/c christian carter writes a lot about this, so it's very in the public eye (if you read pop-psych stuff).
i see the point of this concept - where