i snooped on my ex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
i snooped on my ex...
3
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 1:08pm
i'm starting to believe that i'm crazy, insecure, jealous and paranoid - all are things i need to work on, and me snooping on my ex-bf is a sure sign of that.

prior to my ex and i breaking up, i snooped around on him once and once only

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 2:32pm

My question to you is: Why do you feel the need to confess

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 3:37pm

My personal ethics on snooping are that if I'm going to do it, I need to be prepared to TELL the other person, or end the relationship with them (in which case it's not necessary to tell them)--I don't think it's ethical to continue to be in a relationship with someone you're snooping on without them knowing about it and giving them the CHOICE of whether they want to be in a relationship with you or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 2:22am

Hi thewirefan,

Well, that's a pretty pickle, isn't it. Oy vey, what a mess ;) Hugs, chica, you're gonna need them. Some people are going to tell you that you need to come clean, others will tell you to take it to the grave, me, I'm going to go one worse on you: Do what you feel is right. Not what you feel will help you get the results you desire, but what you know, being a grown-ass woman, is the right thing to do for you. It may be tell, it may be shut the heck up, but I can't put my own standards on you, just like you can't put your own standards on him.

If you do decide to work on this, you are going to have an unbelievably hard climb uphill. That's not a relationship growth challenge, that's a hard truth. People start relationships at a trust level of what, zero, right? There's no reason to trust or not trust because you don't know each other. So everyt'ing is everyt'ing and it's a level playing field. What you two have done to each other, and actually, you mostly because of whatever it is you did to hurt him, plus the uncontrolled snooping both before and after the breakup, is dig the trust level down into a pit which you now have to get yourself out of. You're starting at a negative number already, and for a long time, no matter what you do to improve the situation, it's still going to feel like you're in the negative. Many many couples never make it out of that.

You know, every single thing under the sun happens for a reason. Maybe the reason you're going through this is to teach you this is still not the right relationship for you, or that you're not the right person to be in a relationship with him or with anyone right now. Maybe it's to teach you the real value of honesty, respect, trust, personal integrity, and having a personal code of conduct that doesn't become a double standard. Maybe it's to show you what can happen when you ignore the value of these things and what's really at stake in a relationship when they are squandered.

I'd take a while to think about these things, sit with the feelings, let them wash over you, and see what surfaces at the end. THAT is usually the right answer for each of us.

Good luck to you,

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