Frustrations with new relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Frustrations with new relationship?
4
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 12:49am

My situation is so frustrating, I'm so tired of not knowing anything..!! But I split from my ex of 3 years about just over a year ago...haven't spoken to her since January of this year. Since we broke up, I started to date a new girl about 5 months after our relationship ended. We have dated on and off the past 10 months or so...Mostly because of my inability to commit and I just haven't felt comfortable enough to go out and date elsewhere. I have tried to break it off with her numerous times, but we are very close. I know it is not right to be with someone I don't want to be with. BUT we always end up hooking up and spending all of our free time together. Which, I understand, is not the healthiest thing. But she IS my best friend and I want to show her respect and avoid inadvertently causing her harm... I do love her and know she needs to be treated right..so please don't judge me...

So she asks, what is so wrong with her that I can't be with her...? I have told her the following many times... I just don't want to commit, I eventually Do want to date other people, I DON'T know what I want, and it is obvious to me that because of my internalized resentment and hate toward my ex (which was the toughest, most agonizing break up for me), that I still was holding onto the past. At first I compared this new girl to my ex, constantly. As much as I did not want to, I could not help myself doing this. Every little things, I kept seeing my ex. I was not ready. I have sort of gotten over that, but now, currently, I find myself doing the same thing, though not exclusively to my ex.

Instead of nitpicking specific things, I think "well I want someone who is more assertive and laid back". Why can't I just be happY?! I always keep comparing to my last relationship, which generally was a fun, loving and happy relationship until things got messy in the end. It's been more than a year, and I'm still thinking this stuff. It makes me sick. I certainly don't want to be with the old ex ever again, but I long for a relationship where the love and attraction is like that, again. Not with her, but with someone else. And in the mean time I want so badly to stop letting it affect my future relationships...

I am pretty sure I will be moving next year, to a bigger city..I feel like there is too much bad karma where I currently live (Where I graduated college in 2004) and still on ocassion run into my ex at a bar or store. I have also given up on a majority of all of my friends, because I am just so tired of hearing about her, their 3rd party stories (although negative).... I think once I move it will all start to work out, but in the mean time please advise.... Thanks




Edited 9/24/2007 1:18 am ET by theconcretedonk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 9:35am

Hi,

You don't want to hurt the girl, but that is exactly what you are doing. It would be better to break it off with her, work on yourself and healing yourself from your breakup. You are not ready for a relationship with anyone, and until you are, you will most likely cause pain to the other person.

You control you and your actions, so you can be a man and put a stop to it, or continue on not being healed from the last relationship and letting it color the rest of your relationships, and not being happy. It's your choice, but you are the only one that can fix it, by fixing yourself first. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 11:09am

p.s. i am actually a women >;)

Sorry I didn't make that clear

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 12:16pm

Same thing still applies just change man to woman. Get yourself in a good place before getting into a relationship. It's not fair to them or to you. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 4:28pm

Welcome to the board theconcretedonk,


What are you doing to get rid of the resentment and hate of the last relationship?