Why did this happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Why did this happen?
5
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 8:27am
I have been involved in a 2 year relationship of which 1 year we were together in the same city and 1 year it was long distance, as he is still in med school. I graduated from college and started a great job. He's about a 5 hour drive from me. We spent labor day weekend together and everything was great. It has been hard and after he leaves I do get very upset cause I know I won't see him for another 3 or 4 weeks. Back in the summer,I was so upset one night because of the long distance relationship and he offered up that I should move there, he could quit medical school or we could break up! I didn't understand the 3rd option..but right after we talked he called me right back and said his parents would help out and fly me there whenever I wanted to go. When he is back home, I spend a lot of time at his house with his family. They are great people, I get along with all of them...but when it comes to being with or seeing my family, he always has excuses, ie, I'm only home for a few days and want to see my family & friends, etc. Well....right after a great labor day weekend together, I was talking to him every night like I always do and he seemed more upset than usual. By Thursday night of that week he told me he didn't think there were any other options but to break up!..and I was shocked. I asked him if there was someone else, he said no and he wouldn't even have the time (great answer). He asked if he could still call me and I said absolutey not! and I hung up the phone. He texted me immediately after and said he was upset too...an email he sent me after the weekend asked if we could move forward and be friends. He still felt the same for me and was interested in knowing about my family, friends, etc. and that I should understand why he made this decision. I didn't respond to the text or email...and he hasn't tried to contact me since. It's now been 3 weeks. I have been reflecting on this, and have to say there were no signs that this was coming. I guess reality is setting in for me now and I'm thinking he just lost interest....but there were absolutely no signs of this when we were together. I am wondering your thoughts on why this happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:26am

Hey Hanala2007 -

I'm sorry you're going through this!

Med School is a crazy ordeal in itself! My first ex bf couldn't be with me because of med school, my good friend's ex dumped her because 1) he couldn't see her in the future but more importantly 2) He didn't even put any energy and time into seeing her because he was studying 24/7. PLUS he lived like 2 streets away.

I met another guy who wanted to settle down after med school but before his Rotations, so he was ready to be in a relationship, only after the 4 years of med school.

It sucks that you had a great relationship and it's ending like this, but I'm so sure his decision to break up with you has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you.

Med school is grueling and very very time consuming. He probably just felt that he didn't have enough time and energy to put into the kind of relationship you want and you deserve. He's under a lot of stress right now.

That's why he still wanted to talk with you (on his own terms when he had time I assume) and still cared for you - because he still has feelings for you but just can't give you what you want right now.

I hope everything works out and you understand where he is coming from, but at the same time, live your own life without waiting for him.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 12:56pm

thank you for your reply. i understand that med school is grueling, but i was in a two-year relationship with him and he ended it on the phone...on his terms, without letting me have a chance to express my feelings. here is the email he sent me 3 weeks ago;

It's been such a weird and difficult couple of days not speaking to you. As tempted as I've been to pick up the phone and give you a call, I know that the right thing to do is give you some space. Eventually though, I hope that you'll understand why I felt the need to make the decision that I did, and that we can move past it and remain good friends. The way I feel about you hasn't changed, so I still care to know about what's going on with you, your family, and your friends.

I miss you and look foward to hearing from you. And even if I don't hear from you, I'm still gonna try to keep in touch whether you like it or not...

Love always,

i did not respond to this...and haven't heard from him since. i know he was back home last weekend and thought i might hear from him...but no. i realize he can call me whether or not we're in the same city. i really feel like i was blindsided....we talked about a future to the point that he said he was looking to do his residency in the same city where i am and other little inuendos. what's also so crazy is on our 2 year anniversary, he sent me a dozen roses...that was just 7 days before we broke up. i do feel i am handling this well and have tons of support from my friends and family. i will not put a hold on my life...but i still do love him and have my moments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 1:40pm

Dear hanala2007,


I went through med school and residency, and most of my relationships in the past have been with other med students/residents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 2:32pm

Hey -

Even a two year relationship can suffer due to enormous amounts of stress one person is facing.

It was really actually 1 year of a real true meaningful relationship cause the other year was his first year in med school, it was long distance, and I'm sure he couldn't put his all into the relationship cause he was feeling med school out. I'm not saying that the second year of your relationship was crap, it was just not the best it could be.

True, it's not fair he ended it on his terms and didn't let you have a chance to talk about it. If you feel you need to express your feelings, I would respond to his email. I don't think he even has the time to chase you down for a response to his email and that's why he hasn't contacted you since.

Yeah the flowers before the break up - he sent it to you cause he still loves you. You know that. :)

I'm glad you're handling this break up well. Hang in there. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 3:44pm

Hi hanala2007,


::he offered up that I should move there, he could quit medical school or we could break up!


I can understand that you felt there was no warning, but in my opinion the fact that break-up was an option, that was a warning sign.


Here's your previous posts for others:


Broken up and confused...please help!


Just left with the imagination


Most people cannot be friends right way, especially if one of you still has