How would you like to get dumped

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
How would you like to get dumped
8
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 9:55am

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but I am curious to see what people's opinions are when it comes to being dumped by a SO.


If you were getting dumped, would you like to be dumped?:


1) quickly and cleanly where the SO just tells you that it isn't working out and then does not talk to respond to you and gives you no closure, etc. Acts cold to you and ignores you.


2)slowly because the SO doesn't know what he wants. Like he slowly pulls out of the relationship, saying you can still be friends, but first stopping the sex, then later on the affection, then later on cutting down the amount of time spent with you, then later on being colder to you, etc, etc. till it ends up he wants "space AWAY from you", almost a year later.


I've had it done both ways and both ways still hurts and leaves me in tears and weeping for what was once there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 4:20pm

Well, both of those suck because both of those are bad ways to break up with someone.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 5:11pm

Sandra,

That was a great post.
Thanks!
Really helpful.
My ex and i had a mutual break-up. Then i panicked and tried to get him back, but he said no and became instantly cold toward me.
He called me a few days to check in on me and acted very polite. He said he wanted to be my friend and that he would like to take me to lunch sometime. he talked about of his recent work accomplishments and asked me how my cat was.
I ws in a state of disbelief the whole time we were talking. it had been four days. I was a wreck. i was sobbing on the phone.
After a while, i realized that this was how he was going to be. So I told him it would be great to be friends in the future, but for right now, i need time to heal. And that i would call him when i was right and ready.

It's just so weird.
How can you love someone and then it is gone??
He was my companion, my confidante and my lover.
And then he's a stranger telling me we should "lunch" sometime.
No closure.
Ijust feel like i was a horrible person or why else would he be so cold???

But, if i had to pick I would pick No. 1 as the best way to break-up.
No. 2 is awful and cowardice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 5:38pm

Hi dutchess,


As always Sandra gives great insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 6:38pm
That's exactly what happened to me! He also asked how my cat was haha. It was originally that I broke up with him (some stupid argument), but then I had changed my mind and he was like "no, i think we should take a break" and then the "break" kind of dragged on, i was just hoping we'd get back together (as we usually did, although we never had a break before), I kept calling him and even saw him twice during this "break" and he was so cold towards me. I would be the nicest person to him, and he would just get extremely annoyed with me. I didn't understand why he had to be mean about it. He didn't seem interested in getting back together at all but I still kept trying. Then one night during the break, we had a big fight, and I went home and he called me right after I got home and said "I do want to give you a chance." AND THEN, a few days later, I instant messaged him and asked "you're not that into me are you?" and he said "no, im not that into you." And I responded, "why?" and he said "I don't know". OMG I almost died. I felt so terrible and just didn't understand what was going on. So I asked him, "why did you tell me you were going to give me a chance a few days ago?" and he responded, "I felt guilty. I thought about it, and I would rather hurt you now than later. This is for the best." He went on to say other things, and he said "It's not that I don't think it could work, I just don't want it to." I was devastated. I felt so stupid for trying the whole time. I don't regret trying at all, but I wish I wasn't so blind. It was a blow to my self-esteem, and I am still heartbroken. I still replay all the things he said to me in my head and try to figure out what it really is. I just can't pinpoint it, he gave me so many things as to why he didn't want to be with me, I just didn't see it at all. It really did come out of nowhere for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 10:43pm

The first example, my ex of two years somewhat did that to me. I could see the break-up coming but when he cut the cord, he really cut the cord and although he tried to give me closure, he didn't really know how to and it ended up in a drunken fight. That relationship took a while to get over and I ended up moving away to start over again.


The second example happened pretty recently with a guy I met about 2 months after I moved out here. He came into my life at a time I was very lonely and vulnerable. I had just moved to a new city and was very afriad. He wrote me and we started hanging out and then we started having a sexual relationship. He made the first move on me. We never really dated per se, but we spent a lot of time together and he came to mean a lot to me. I also found out, through some people I knew, that he was hitting on another girl on the same messageboard we belonged to. He explained that away as saying she was lonely and he was her sounding board.


About 4 months after we started getting sexual, he pulled away from me abruptly by stopping the sex and not staying over at my place. He claimed to be allergic to my pets. We stayed friends and hung out the same amount of time as before and he and I were still affectionate and stuff. Slowly he pulled away, first taking away the affection, then cutting down the time we hung out, and yet he told me that I still meant a lot to him. It was hard dealing with that, but I didn't want to give him up completely and he didn't want me to leave either.


He starting dating that girl in a LDR and she came out to visit twice and each time after she visited, he grew colder and more distant from me. I was so freaked out. He didn't want me out of his life though and we still hung out. Finally he convinced her to move out here to live with him. I was so scared. He promised me things would still be ok and we could talk and all hang out.


That all went up in smoke because someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 10:45pm
One other question, how do "boundaries" come into play into letting people know how groovy you are?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 12:56am

I really would like to know more about how "boundaries" make you a more wholesome and attractive person.


I have a lot of problems with creating boundaries for myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 1:53am

Hmm. I can't predict Sandra's answer, but this is going to come out sort of preachy and clinche.

In general if you have boundaries and you stick to them, you come off as a more independent and mature person, and hence, more attractive. For example, maturity is really, at it's root, the process of discovering and creating your own boundaries. Boundaries like, how far you're willing to go for someone, what you will or won't compromise, what is important to you, things like that. Things like, "I won't have sex before marriage" or "I won't 'settle' for someone who doesn't treat me with respect". In fact, boundaries are often rooted in how much respect and love you have for yourself. People who don't set boundaries or let someone walk all over them come give off the "I don't respect myself" vibe. If you cannot respect and love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Nobody will give a ratsa$$ about you if you don't even give a rat's a$$ about yourself.

There's an old Chinese proverb that says "Better to insult a general than a peasant". The reasoning behind this is that a general has defined boundaries about what he can and cannot do without betraying the righteous code he lives by. On the other hand, insulting a peasant can bring disastrous results because he has no boundaries for his behaviour. He is capable of anything, so to speak. Reflecting back, who do you think the common person admires? The general of course.

The bottomline is by setting boundaries, you come off as mature. And in the same breath, setting boundaries allows people to know where THEY stand with you and they'll respect you for it. Respect breeds admiration and trust, and these are the qualities that will draw all sorts of people to you.

And plus when you set boundaries and stick with them, you'll reflect back in the future and be happy that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

cheers

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your