Right Place?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Right Place?
3
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 7:56pm

I hope that I am in the right forum. I tried the ending an affair support and I don't seem to fit in there.

I was dating a man that I had met online on an adult website. I started talking to him in February and finally met in person in June. We saw each other monthly. I would spend a week at a time with him. He is a commercial pilot. In September, I had a total hysterectomy. He was there to take care of me after the surgery. I was raped in October and he took care of me afterwards. In September, I found out through a friend of mine that he is married. Just a few clicks of the mouse and she found everything. I confronted him with what I found out and he blew up at me. He said that the marriage was for a green card to help keep her in the country. I was stupid and I believed him. I believed him because I had a similar situation in my family. I kept trying to break things off, but I kept going back to him. He would say that he wanted me happy and to work on things. He wanted to know how I was doing and wanted to be able to contact me.

I went to visit him this past Monday in LA. While I was there and before I left, I kept thinking that something wasn't right and that I shouldn't go to LA. I went anyway. All this time, I am thinking that something isn't right, but I would talk myself out of it and say I was silly. I told him that something didn't seem right and he said I was silly. While I was there, I asked him about his marriage. He said that it probably wouldn't work out anyway. I told him I thought that there was more to the story.

He let me use his computer and then went to sleep in the bed. I did something I shouldn't have done. I looked at his email. I looked at his work email and thought that I wouldn't see anything there, but I did. I found emails to and from his wife. In the emails were pet names, I love you's and such. I felt physically sick. I didn't say anything to him about knowing. When I left, I told him that it was goodbye. I was done. He kept getting all snuggly with me. I told him that I wouldn't say anything about the "green card" situation and that I wouldn't contact his wife.

I cried in LAX and on the plane ride home. I was miserable. I came home on Thursday night and realized that everything that he told me was a lie. I knew that was the case, but I finally admitted it to myself. The stories about the marriage always changed and stories about where he was at and such changed. Being an airline pilot, he was able to juggle his schedule. I found internet personal ads for him and asked him to take them down, he wouldn't.

On Friday, I contacted his wife. I told her that I was seeing her husband and that I ended things and that I do not want him at all. I told her that he had told me that he married her for a green card so she could stay in the country, that she was a lesbian and that he was just trying to help her. I told her how long the affair was going on. She said that she had an idea for the last year that something was going on, but he kept denying it. I gave her my phone number and told her that I would give her anything that she needed.

She called me last night and asked that I send her proof because she had talked to her husband and he said that I was mentally ill and that I was lying. I sent her the chat logs dating back to May of this year. I sent her pictures and posted the video clips of he and I playing around and joking (I do have the x-rated stuff but didn't send that, I thought that would be too much for her). I also took screen shots of his personal ads and sent them to her before he took them down. She asked for it so she can take it to an attorney to get a divorce. She then asked me to not contact her again. I apologized to her, but she said she doesn't know me and can't accept my apology.

He tried to call me and then was able to reach me online. He has threatened to ruin my chances with a job I am supposed to start in a month. I left voicemails with the company to ask what I should do and hope to get a phone call back on Monday. He told me that I am sick, that I shouldn't hurt her.

I told her about me because if I was being cheated on, I would want to know. I also thought that since I was sleeping with him without protection, I was probably not the only one. He was placing personal ads for women in England because that is where he spends most of his time when he flies. I didn't do this to hurt her. She didn't deserve what has happened. The few things that we did share with each other seemed to be lies that he was telling the both of us. She said she never needed to marry him for a green card and that she married him because she wanted to help him.

I feel bad that I ruined her marriage. I know that his actions ruined his marriage but I am wondering if I should have even told her about the affair. Once I knew for a fact that the marriage was a marriage of love and not convenience like he stated, I felt so stupid for believing him. I just looked at him while he slept and kept thinking everything he has said to me was a lie. He looks so nice and sweet.

I hurt because I feel betrayed by him. I feel stupid for believing him. I feel bad for hurting her. I hurt because I miss him, but I don't even know who he is. I don't know who I was dating. I think I fell for a guy that doesn't exist. I just feel so confused, betrayed and angry.

Did I do the right thing?
Am I in the right place to post?

Sorry so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: krysten75
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 11:29pm

Welcome to the board krysten75,


You've been through a lot this year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: krysten75
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 1:01am

Thank you for the welcome. The general consensus is that the wife needed to know and after talking to her, she had an idea that something was going on. I feel bad for having to confirm her ideas because I know she is hurting right now and nobody deserves to feel that much pain. She asked me to not contact her again after giving her all the information she needed and I will agree to that.

Thank you for the links. I just feel so lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: krysten75
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 2:32am

I think, in my opinion at least, I agree with the general consensus.

Another way to look at it is that, I don't think she was completely unprepared for it. The fact that she actively asked for evidence, filed for divorce, and didn't pin the blame solely on you shows that she's a mature and self-respecting woman. And women like that deserve to have a committed and loving husband and you've given her a chance to do that.

Agreed, she's probably in a lot of pain right now, but I'm certain that when she looks back one day, she'll see that it was better to have it end in one intense moment of pain, than to have her dread of his infidelity drag on indefinitely. In fact, chances are, she'll be glad that you told her, even if the reminder of his affair (you) is too painful to deal with.

All the best


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your