All of a sudden it hits
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| Thu, 12-20-2007 - 4:50pm |
It has been a little over a week since I ended things with my ex-boyfriend of one year.
This was after the last four months of essentially breaking up once a month and then getting back together. It took its toll and I took myself out of the game telling him I no longer knew if I loved him or wanted this relationship. The pain had finally overshadowed the pleasure.
I am trying very hard to be strong and to not call him and tell him how much I miss him. I want to, but then I know deep inside that what will change? Nothing. Nothing will change. This got so bad, we imploded and I don't really know how to get back to 6 months ago when things were better.
I am trying to keep busy, be positive and tell myself that this is for the best. He will find someone that fits for him and so will I.
But there are moments, like right now, when it hits me so painfully that we didn't make it. That I won't ever hold his hand like I once did. That I won't ever look at him with the warmth in my stomach of a girl falling in love. That we won't ever talk about work or what we did that day.
The realization hits hard and leaves me breathless. How can it be that you spend so much time loving and nurturing someone and then it just dissipates? where did we go wrong?
It was as if we couldn't get it together, we weren't speaking the same language anymore, we couldn't emotionally reach other anymore and now it is gone. And it is so very sad.
Does it have to hurt this much even when you KNOW that you really have no choice? I think to myself, well, maybe I could call him and we can go for round 5. try again. but then I know that we just can't. so much has happened. so much hurt. so much abandonment. so much disillusion.
It just hurts. I miss who we were. who we thought we would be. and where we thought we were going.
I guess my question is, is that even if you know it is right, how in the world can it hurt so much?

Because it just *does*.
Ain't it the truth!
I go through waves. I just had a wave and now I am feeling better.
but it is important for me to write down what i am feeling. perhap's i am still in denial. I think it might be possible.
thanks for your words. trying to get to the other side. one small step at a time.
Hi,
Grief is a powerful emotion.