he has another girlfriend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
he has another girlfriend...
2
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 9:08pm

Last night he told me. He said that they've only been dating a few days, that he felt like he was hiding it from me if he didn't say anything and that he hoped I wouldn't be too upset because he wants me to stop hurting.

I went completely numb. He said he wanted to talk to me about it in person, that he would stop by on his way home from work. I took twice my usual dose of sleeping pills and still spent the entire night tossing and turning. I woke up at 6 am and immediately started crying. I've never hyperventilated before, it was a scary experience...my mom came in and just sat there next to me, feeling helpless...what can she do?

This morning I went to my psychologist, and she told me I needed to let him know how I feel. She told me I've been holding it in too long, that it would make me feel better to tell him that I'm not okay. "Even if it doesn't change things," she said, "it will be a weight off your chest."

He came over for two hours this afternoon. I went through my journal from the past month and marked everything I wanted to say, read it to him like a book. These things that have been building up inside of me for so long...that after he left, I thought I was pregnant but didn't say anything because if I wasn't I didn't want it to seem like a cruel scheme to get him back. That he was the person who gave me the strength to take care of myself a year ago when I got dangerously thin. that if it weren't for him, I might not be here because things were that bad two years ago. That loving him protects me from myself because I can't bear to hurt him by hurting myself.

These revelations didn't change anything. I didn't expect them to but somehow...don't we all want to be proven wrong in these cases? He told me that he broke it off partly because my dependence on him scared me, that we wanted different things while he was at college. I can't say I blame him. Yet this hurts...so, so much. I wish I could change things.

And now this new girl...I'm sure she's great. He wouldn't date anyone who wasn't a genuinely kind and caring person. I hate myself for hating her. I know they just started dating, they're not serious yet, they could break up in a week. But still...it consumes me. Everyone told me he needed to be alone, that it wasn't me, that he just wanted to enjoy college and be single. Turns out, he does want a relationship. Just not with me.

Why I'm ranting like this, I don't know. Writing makes me feel better. I have so much to look forward to next year, but these next eight months will be like running in place. I'm dreading my birthday, prom, graduation. I'm afraid that no matter how much I love my friends and classmates, I'll look up from getting my diploma and cry to myself because the only person whose presence truly comforts and encourages me isn't there.

I know that for now, I have to let go of hope. I have to move on with my life. But does anyone else believe that if a relationship never soured because of a wrong committed, that it was merely bad timing, you can never really let go of hope? It's always there. "Hope is a waking dream."

I know this is a long, rambling, kind of pointless post. I want to get to the place where I can embrace today and just hope that the future turns out for the best. I know that eventually, this will stop hurting, because human emotions are an amazing thing. I want to find that balance between living my life and never giving up on loving him, because it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 10:34pm

Hi - I am really really sorry you are going through this. You said he helped you through all the stuff. I am glad you had a good friend in him; but always remember YOU did it. You are a Strong person; he just helped bring it out. Remain Strong, you can get through this. And dont get this the wrong way - but you dont need him to be doing all the good things you did to yourself. You will gain confidence and stay strong; lean on your family, friends and get through this. It is never a good thing to be totally dependent on this one person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 12:48am
You were right to tell him how you feel. I know it's hard to do, but