LDR Boyfriend MIA????
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LDR Boyfriend MIA????
| Sat, 12-22-2007 - 3:38pm |
HELP ME!!! I posted onthe LDR board but not much response. I also am beginning to feel like it is over. My bf and I have been together for a perfect 5 months. It is a LDR but we really make it work but talking everyday and email and seeing each other as much as we can.
He calls me the other day and is all upset about family (his mom died
He calls me the other day and is all upset about family (his mom died

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be really difficult . But hey! this time of the year can be really rough for some people, and being his first Christmas without his mom must be awful.
It sounds like he is having a horrible time and when you are feeling down you cannot schedule your feelings.. One day you feel alright and the next you feel like crap and it's normal to be overly sensitive.
From what you are sharing, it seems that you are not being very sympathetic about the whole thing. Of course he is sad, of course he is upset and sometimes you need someone to acknowledge the fact that you are hurting. KWIM?
Maybe you should try calling him once again and make the call about him feeling down and not about you feeling upset.
HUGS
Emilia
I was supportive we spoke for a half and hour the last minute of the conversation I asked if I should be worried about us bec he kept saying over and over how he didn't care about anything anymore and I asked if it included me. My father passed away so I know how hard things can be but I never would pull away like this from the person I cared about. I also left him a message letting him know I am there for him and since he was supposed to come here about how when he gets here we can talk more in person. On top of that I left him an email saying I was sorry if I said the wrong things on the phone and once again offered my support. There is no excuse for him to shut me out and hurt me they way he feels hurt. I just have to begin to accept that he isnt coming here in 4 days and he isnt going to ever call again that this was so easy from him to walk away from kills me.........
People deal with pain in different ways and, although it is unfair, they (we) sometimes need some serious time alone. I know that right now this is going to sound stupid but don't take it personal, he is doing this to himself, not to you.
He could be grieving with you by his side, but he chose to do it alone.
I'm sorry...
"I know it's not "me" or even "us" but I am not sure why I am being punished so much"
Look, I'm going to point out something that's obvious to me, and probrably not to you at the moment : you're making this whole thing to be about 'you'. Like this line " And unfortunately it's not. The last thing he needs to deal with right now is relationship business when he's trying to work through his pain. Even if you're intentions are good, if you keep pushing and pushing, he's going to run. The fact that you 'know' that it's not about you, but you're still griping about why he's hurting you means that you're still making it about you. And when you keep pushing, it makes you come across as unsympathetic.
So relax and give him some space to deal. You've told him you're there if he needs you and he knows where to find you.
all the best
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
It might not have started out being about me but when he shut me out 4 days before he is supposed to come here for a month it now has become about me. I have called 2 times and left
Hey! I'm sorry I don't want to bother you anymore 'cos it seems that you already made up your mind about this guy, and you are just trying to vent.
I was also in a LDR and the guy asked me for space so I kind of know what you are going through.
On the one hand the guy is obviously depressed and he is shutting you (and I guess everybody around him) out, on the other hand you think his behaviour is unacceptable under any circumstances. Both are entitled to deal with things the best way you can, this means: he isolates from the outside world, and you not accepting a guy who shuts you out no matter what. That's fine, you have different ways of sorting things out.
You have to try to be fair with yourself, with the guy and with your former(?) relationship. Again, it's not personal and as much as it hurts you just have different ways to deal with things and that's it. He is just flatline depressed and he ruined your plans by shutting you out.
It seems you are prepared to let go, so why don't you start by taking care of YOU and stop worrying about him. Go out try to have fun and enjoy your family and/or friends.
Guess what? sometimes people have problems and surely it does not help to have someone who insted of helping you to feel better starts to smother you with their own issues. You are not in a competition, he feels bad period. Its not the time for you to fight with him.
If you care about this guy and you care about the relationship, then PLEASE don't try to push your own agenda, get over yourself and LISTEN what he has to share. If you truly think that he is wrong and you are right, then yes, its very likely you are facing a break up.
Good luck!
Hi and welcome,
Emilia and Susanna have given you some absolutely fabulous and right-on-the-money input. I sincerely hope you find it in yourself to follow their advice.
You are very much making it all about yourself, he was opening up to you, expressing some utter sadness and despair about this being the first Christmas without his mother (I don't even want to THINK what that might feel like) and you had to turn it, even in just the last second about you. In your communication with him after the fact, you tried to recoup and I understand, but really the damage was done by then. The only thing that will help at this point is to give him time. It's not about you, it's about his mom.
Realize that all of this is going on in your mind at this point. You've got him already breaking up with you, walking away from you, being a jerk like the others, etc., etc., and yet you haven't even really talked to him yet. Storm in a glass for sure. I know this must feel very difficult and confusing, but take some deep breaths and focus on something other than this, because in all honesty, most of it is being made up in your mind, so stop torturing yourself this way, and stop taking it out on him for what you're imagining yourself. The funny thing is, unless you stop, it'll actually come to pass, you will create this situation you're so very afraid of because you're still pushing. Stop pushing to get what you want. What does your boyfriend NEED?
Like I said, I sincerely hope you really heed the very good input that Emilia and Susanna have given you, it's probably the only way to help yourself through this.
Good luck,