My first post. A vent, I guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
My first post. A vent, I guess
1
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 1:23pm

Frequent lurker recently, first time poster.

I just broke up with my boyfriend this morning. We'd been together a year and a half. I fell for him quickly after we met, the first year was great. Talked about future, looked at rings for future reference. He devoted himself to me, and me to him. He's wonderful with my special needs son, which is good because I'm divorced and my ex hasn't been the greatest with his attention to my son.

But the past 6 months have been hard. My bf had ADD and bipolar disorder and insomnia, and sometimes he would go into lows and have bouts of fatigue that, because he needed to deal with them, made him unavailable to me sometimes, emotionally. Which I tried to resolve within myself-say hey, I'm a single mom, I'll be Miss Independent thing and handle it myself so it doesn't matter whether I can lean on him. However, he said I just needed to tell him whenever I needed him and that he would be there. I guess I didn't feel completely like that was true. It can be hard to trust that things will be okay in the future when present behavior doesn't show it, you know?

Because of his mood swings, he'd sometimes go from talking to me like a boyfriend to talking like I was one of his beer drinking buddies. Not a lot of intimate talk, not too much sweet talk, which I confess I do feel I need. But he did make an effort, which is why I held on. He did try-he would say sweet things to me sometimes, do sweet things for me. We had several "big talks" over the last couple of months, I guess the first clue that it might not last. He could tell that he wasn't making me completely happy. He knew that sometimes he could be a jerk. But maybe he didn't feel like he really wanted to fight for us, which hurt me. Or he did want to fight for us, but just didn't know how. That's probably the case-I'm the first woman he's ever truly loved. I know that he tried, and I feel terrible because it hurts to say that it wasn't enough.

Practically, it makes sense for us to move on. If I'm not happy, I should move on because life is short. I shouldn't stay with someone (or "settle" or whatever) because that person has stability and is wonderful with my son, when I don't feel fulfilled emotionally. I've caught myself thinking about dating around, which is a telltale sign that something's wrong in the relationship. I know I'm not alone, I have friends and family here.

Having said all that, I have to admit that my heart just hurts. I love him. He's my heart. And everything feels broken. My gut is clenched. My limbs are numb. My soul feels broken.

I'm fortunate that my son is with his daddy today and I have another 5 1/2 hours to myself, so he doesn't have to see me like this. But I just wanted to air my feelings somewhere. I appreciate y'all listening. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 1:35pm

I feel the same way. I also broke things off and I'm hurt.