I feel horrible

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
I feel horrible
1
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 8:18pm

I did something last night that makes me hate myself. I went out with a few of my girlfriends last night. At the first bar we went to we met some really nice guys. We talked, exchanged numbers, danced a bit (ending in my friend making out with one of them). Then we all parted ways and went barhopping.

There is a club on that strip that my friends and I go to a lot. I walk in and who do i see? My ex. I haven't seen him in almost a month. In fact the last time I saw him we avoided each other. Since he was standing by the door there was no way to avoid him without appearing conspicuous, so I smiled at him and waved. He nodded back and I thought that was the end of it. Well I walk to the back and the guy that I had met earlier was there too. I started talking to him and I noticed a mutual friend of my ex and I's standing nearby. I walk over to her and we talk a bit and I noticed that my whole "old group" was there. They are all still friends with my ex and they never invite me out- only him (shows who they sided with even if I was the one who was dumped, right?)Anyway, we started kidding around and she jokingly said "I dare you to dance with your new friend." I was already planning on dancing with him anyway, but I just nodded and said yeah.

Well a few minutes later my ex walks up to talk to our mutual friends. I tapped him and asked how he's been, told him it was weird because I felt that we didn't know each other anymore and told him not to act like I was a stranger and that he hated me (certain actions he undertook recently made me feel as if he portrayed me as the "bad guy" even if I didn't do anything). We hugged awkwardly (if you call one arm around my shoulder a hug) and I went to the dance floor with my new guy friend.

I don't know what happened. I had a few drinks in me, I was hurt that my ex acted like he didn't want to talk to me, and somehow I started making out with my new friend. Of course people saw. I'm pretty sure my ex saw. So now I feel like some sort of whore. It was totally out of character for me and I feel like I let myself down. I know I shouldn't care about what my ex thinks, but now I'm worried that he now views me as an easy person. If I was completely sober I wouldn't have done it. I'm so disappointed in myself. What makes it worse is that people probably thought I planned it. I signed online today and one of my friends who was at the club put her away message up as soon as I signed on. She never does that.

I feel so bad. I know I shouldn't care what other people think- but it's not just that. It's what I think of myself. I always put myself in other people's shoes and I would have hated it if I saw my ex do that to another girl. I feel like such a bad person =(




Edited 12/30/2007 8:21 pm ET by ming_88
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 8:22pm

I'd be surprised if everyone of your "friends" hasn't done something similiar in their life. We all have- so don't beat yourself up. Its these moments that we learn from and we make sure we don't do again!