HELP - Broke NC and Feeling Ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
HELP - Broke NC and Feeling Ashamed
3
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 8:59am

Hi everyone,


Well I came here to basically admit to everyone that unfortunately I allowed myself to go off course and break my 11 days of NC. What happened was, I went online to do some things last night, and he IM'd me. Just small talk, but I didn’t even ask and he wanted to let me know he was still going to make the payments to me. He also told me that he was on day 3 of detox from drinking (probably not any of the other drugs, pills, pot, etc) and I saw that he was in an AA chatroom.


Anyway, I chatted with him for about 5 mins or so, just the normal stuff, asking him how his new years was, etc. He said he was drunk and passed out and slept through it. The thing is, I'm upset and disappointed at myself for allowing my 11 days of NC to be broken. Why is it so hard to resist when they talk to you? I mean, it wasn’t like he was trying to get us to go back together or anything like that, and neither did I. In fact, one of the things he said at the end when we were fighting was "I want nothing to do with you". So I had to know and I asked him if he meant what he said that day and he said "not for now". What kind of thing is that to say? Not that I want him back either now because I do know how toxic that relationship was for me. In the words of a good friend of mine "that relationship was very high-risk for you in many ways". And I know its true. The only thing that’s making me feel a little better about allowing myself to talk to him was the fact that we kept it strictly "friendly" and about money and things, and that there was no talk of getting back together from either person, so basically I still feel as though my dignity is intact. I'm just disappointed at myself for allowing it to happen at all in the first place. I almost feel like not even going online anymore at home for a while just so I don’t even get any temptations. Why is it that I felt so empowered and able in the beginning of our breakup and now it feels as though that empowerment is fading?

Jacki

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 10:37am
Cuz you didn't seal the windows properly and the winds of empowerment are running out of yout house through the little cracks.
When I think about no contact I think about a bunker (yeah those who were supposed to protect you from bombs during the war). In order to make the bunker safe I have to isolate it from the bomb.. think about it, you are leaving this little holes here and there and the man can reach you through them. Block him on the AIM, MSN, SKYPE, E-MAIL.
Just seal the little cracks in the windows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 12:06pm
Loved that analogy!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 12:29pm

Perfect.