Could use a firm push..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Could use a firm push..
7
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:54am

I'm having a tough few days.
It has been almost 5 weeks since we broke up. I was the one who broke up for the final and last time.
This was after two other times we broke up that he initiated. I am in this place where I am feeling better. My head is clearer, i hate and blame myself less, I see his place in our relationship breakdown, when before i only blamed myself.
But, I also see my place and role.

Since I am feeling better, I have been thinking that maybe, just maybe ... i could be happy like this with him. That's all I wanted. All I wanted was to be happy with him, but we were so miserable the last five months of our relationship.
We couldn't connect, hear one another, he was shutting down, i was crying all the time and no one really knew why. It just wasn't working.
And tonight I was at a lecture and I was smiling and laughing and then I missed him. i wanted him to be there with me and I wanted us to be able to be that happy together.

Is it NORMAL to have these feelings of longing? regret? hope? doubt?
There are parts of him that i loved and others that drove me nuts. why am I feeling so much better these days? And why couldn't i feel this way when i was with him.
It's such a confusing time. I know I won't call him, because i am not sure what i wold say. I won't go back to that misery. I want back to the good days, that's all.
Just could use some advice and encouragement tonight. I'm feeling blue.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:37am

It's totally normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:46am

Yeah you gotta be strong. I ended a year long thing last night for the third time and at the mo all I can think about is the good times and how maybe it could work now but like the other reply says its easy to just think on the good times now the weight is off your shoulders.


Be strong and you will come through and meet someone to have those good times with wihtout all the negative things.


E

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:39pm
Thanks for your replies.
I know I have to remember all the reasons WHY we broke up, instead of just remembering the good times.
I think this is the part of the grieving process where I am just sad that he's gone and that it is over.
Now that the stress of trying to "fix" us is over. And I am healing my wounds, I am just sad that we didn't make it and that it is over.
sigh. it's is gonna be a tough weekend, i'm nervous. I live in a city that i moved to in order to be with him. I don't have a lot of friends and i can't move home until i find a job and that may take a while.
so, i'm a little nervous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 12:23am
"My head is clearer, i hate and blame myself less, I see his place in our relationship breakdown, when before i only blamed myself.
But, I also see my place and role.

Since I am feeling better, I have been thinking that maybe, just maybe ... i could be happy like this with him. That's all I wanted. All I wanted was to be happy with him, but we were so miserable the last five months of our relationship.
We couldn't connect, hear one another, he was shutting down, i was crying all the time and no one really knew why. It just wasn't working.
And tonight I was at a lecture and I was smiling and laughing and then I missed him. i wanted him to be there with me and I wanted us to be able to be that happy together."


I totally hear you, girl. My situation was the same. Now I tend to think about all the good times and think "maybe he could change. Maybe one day that would happen and I'll be happy with him again, especially since we were happy to begin with". The last month of our relationship, I was so stressed and crying, I lost 10 POUNDS, and I'm underweight to begin with. Even if I think of the good times, way back when now (the first half of our relationship ... we dated 1.5 years), there were even issues then. So probably all along it wasn't meant to be for the longterm. Of course he would disagree, and say people have to work through their problems, but when you're crying all the time, it's just not working and it won't ever be able to (unless you're talking years in the future)!


If you need to talk to me about this, I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm only 12 days out of my break up, so it's still pretty fresh for me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 4:09am
Wow.
Nicole, my ex would say the exact same thing to me. Although he brokeup with my first back in September and then he came back and just blamed everything on me.
After that break up I basically broke down and went into a depression for the next two months. I cried every day, lost 10 pounds, had anxiety attacks and was scared that he was going to leave me. I couldn't relax or be myself, because I felt like he didn't like who I was. he thought I was negative and i blamed myself for everything.
and when i finally ended it in December, i was crying, and i just told him that it wasn't working. and i didn't know why. and when i told him that i didn't know if i was in love and that things had just gotten so out of hand, he said that he didn't know if I knew what love was.
and that was it.
and now here i am.
what about you? what's your story? and how are you doing? 12 days is not a lot of time. you must still feel extremely surreal and like it isn't real yet. i know I still do. tonight i was out and i just can't believe that we are over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 10:23am

Hi-


After a year of fighting, and me being angry towards my ex, as he was leading me on (I KNOW, I was permitting it), he ended it in mid October. I was a mess as well. He blamed it all on my anger, us not being able to resolve things (he would not talk to me or could open up), basically everything was my fault. I went into therapy and started taking Zoloft around Christmas, as I was obsessing over him and needed to stop calling him. How he could talk to a female he met in a bar for 3 hours at a clip, 3 weeks after we ended a 3 plus yr. relationship, which

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 8:42pm

Hi seachells. I think i have a similar ex. He is such a mama's boy. Everytime things would get hard with us he would take off to his moms and stay there.

And I think you're right about them being where they think they want or need to be. As far as I'm concerned my ex left the best thing that will ever happen to him. Unfortunately I feel like I'm still holding on the the hope that he'll realize that and come back.