I know exactly how you feel...I have been having panick/anxiety attacks ever since. It's a terrible feeling when someone breaks up with you and then they are no longer around. It's like they leave a huge gaping hole! :-( You have to fill it with family, friends, and other types of support! The way he broke up with you was just so....terrible! You really deserve better! Email if you need to talk! xx
Hey Colleen--there were quite a lot of weird board-specific acronyms that I came across around here, and it took me a while to get used to them to! NC stands for "no contact". :)
uncommononsense I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Girl, I know how you feel. Its been almost two weeks for me without my boyfriend. We dated for almost 3 years which enatiled me moving across the country to be with him only to be left in the dark, and neglected and having said that I have moved back and trying to start fresh all over again..
I strongly suggest you smile and realize how wonderful you are. These women on this board are strong and definatly supportive if you dont find yourslef having a support system. Its always easier said than done, this I know. But DONT CALL HIM!! There are some nice men out there. It will happen when you least expect it. Im trying to convince myself of the same thing.
Keep smiling, and know that if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you its yours if id doesnt it never was.
I haven't been on the board recently but as soon as I read your situation I had to write to you! First of all, no woman deserves to be broken up on an e-mail. Especially in a long-term relationship/engagement. That is something my ex taught me (how ironic). If it meant anything, he will be man enough to have a conversation with you face-to-face. That's how I feel.
Second, the family thing is so up my alley. Mine put his entire extended family on a pedistal as well but nobody beat out mama. The first time I met her, we walked across the street and he started holding HER hand. Later on in the relationship, he would allow her to sleep in our bed when she came over after her night shift- and I was still sleeping! Some girls might be okay with this but I was always really REALLY uncomfortable by all of it. Apart from that, I loved his family and they honestly thought I would marry him. I was pretty devestated to think about losing them after the break-up. But then I went over the facts. 1) He NEVER put me first in that relationship. Any time any family member called, he would drop me to go over there. Didn't matter if it was seeing MY family or just hanging out, he would just say, "Sarah, they are family" I actually asked him if there was a time when I would be considered part of his family and he looked at me like he didn't understand what I said. That's because he didn't. 2) I started picturing what his mom would be like as a mother-in-law and a grandmother. Holy crazy psycho! She is a sweet woman but very controlling, manipulative and emotionally closed off (weird how her son turned out that way too, huh :-) 3) My sister's husband recently told me that marriage is not, oh I think about my wife sometimes but that a partner will stick up for the other one 100% of the time. I would not have gotten that with my ex and from the way I read it, I don't think you would have either. It sucks and it hurts but it is the truth. I was where you were about 2 months ago. Willing to forgive the family and forgive him for not treating me like the family or even like the way I would have been treated. I would have overlooked all the craziness and even try to convince myself that it was a situation that I actually wanted.
The truth? I want to be married and have 3-5 kids (those are also the two big reasons we broke up. He did not want to get married and wanted 0 kids.) And I want my husband to be my husband. Not to have to compete for his attentions with his mom. She actually told me one time that we would have to "share her son" and my first thought was, I hope you don't get the part of him that I'm getting!! I want to have a relationship where a) I don't lose myself and love myself above all others and b) where my boyfriend/fiance/husband comes in first for other people. I feel that is how it should be. My ex doesn't see it like that (he really doesn't see anything except himself anymore) so I am not with him.
It takes a LONG time to get over the hurt feelings. I still get hurt and angry and it has been almost 10 weeks. But you start gaining a perspective- it IS weird that his sister was in your relationship. Don't discount your feelings. If it feels uncomfortable, it is probably a red flag. We like to blind ourselves to red flags but all of a sudden, they all spring up and you realize you can't compromise some things.
No contact is horrible. I will tell you that. It sucks so bad but it is also the best thing for you. I read somewhere not to cause yourself any unnecessary pain. It is one of my mottos now. I still pick up the phone and think how great it used to be to call him anytime but now, I know how it will go. He will be cool and distant and say something like, "I know I am not the person you want to talk to right now" (swear to god! and this was after a tragedy!) Nothing I do or say will get him to change his mind. So why would I belittle myself to pretend I am happy or content with what he did? I won't so I won't call. If he needs to call me so bad, he knows the number. In my situation, this means I don't expect to ever really hear from him again but that is okay. Why would I want him back or as a friend if he is treating me like this? I don't.
I hope you got through all of this and that it makes some sense to you. Break-ups throw you for a loop. I am high up one day and then crashing down the next (like yesterday--bad day but the sun is shining, I am alive and my dad just called me. It is a better day already) but everyone goes through that and everyone gets through that. It hurts it sucks but you will be okay. Write on the boards, write in your journal, read the book "Its called a break-up because it is broken" and I think, in time, you will realize that you deserve so much more and you will not be afraid to ask for it next time.
I tried to e-mail you but I can't figure it out. If you knew me, you would laugh because I have been known to post on my own wall on facebook. :-) I am laughing anyways!
Thank you for writing so strong in your last post. It has helped me get through the pain today. I don't think I miss him. For the reasons I detailed, I know I would never have found true happiness in that situation. I had been thinking for a while how I would have to give up some of my dreams for him. I realize that in order for it to have worked, he would have had to acknowledge my sacrifices and made some of his own. But he does not want to do that. So I am going to move on and be strong. I fear that I won't be able to meet anyone. I fear that nobody will be interested in me again. I fear that my anger and bitterness and fear will consume me. But I am hoping again. I hope I live out the lyrics to Jewel's new song (awesome! It is called Stronger Woman) I hope if I ever run into him in the future (years and years) I will be able to be cordial and mean it (it won't hurt that I will have my handsome husband, gorgeous children and fabulous new haircut :-)
Welcome to the board colleen2008,
Rule #1 - wait at least 24 hours before acting on your desire to contact an ex.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Girl, I know how you feel. Its been almost two weeks for me without my boyfriend. We dated for almost 3 years which enatiled me moving across the country to be with him only to be left in the dark, and neglected and having said that I have moved back and trying to start fresh all over again..
I strongly suggest you smile and realize how wonderful you are. These women on this board are strong and definatly supportive if you dont find yourslef having a support system. Its always easier said than done, this I know. But DONT CALL HIM!! There are some nice men out there. It will happen when you least expect it. Im trying to convince myself of the same thing.
Keep smiling, and know that if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you its yours if id doesnt it never was.
email me if ya need me!!
:)
Colleen-
I haven't been on the board recently but as soon as I read your situation I had to write to you! First of all, no woman deserves to be broken up on an e-mail. Especially in a long-term relationship/engagement. That is something my ex taught me (how ironic). If it meant anything, he will be man enough to have a conversation with you face-to-face. That's how I feel.
Second, the family thing is so up my alley. Mine put his entire extended family on a pedistal as well but nobody beat out mama. The first time I met her, we walked across the street and he started holding HER hand. Later on in the relationship, he would allow her to sleep in our bed when she came over after her night shift- and I was still sleeping! Some girls might be okay with this but I was always really REALLY uncomfortable by all of it. Apart from that, I loved his family and they honestly thought I would marry him. I was pretty devestated to think about losing them after the break-up. But then I went over the facts. 1) He NEVER put me first in that relationship. Any time any family member called, he would drop me to go over there. Didn't matter if it was seeing MY family or just hanging out, he would just say, "Sarah, they are family" I actually asked him if there was a time when I would be considered part of his family and he looked at me like he didn't understand what I said. That's because he didn't. 2) I started picturing what his mom would be like as a mother-in-law and a grandmother. Holy crazy psycho! She is a sweet woman but very controlling, manipulative and emotionally closed off (weird how her son turned out that way too, huh :-) 3) My sister's husband recently told me that marriage is not, oh I think about my wife sometimes but that a partner will stick up for the other one 100% of the time. I would not have gotten that with my ex and from the way I read it, I don't think you would have either. It sucks and it hurts but it is the truth. I was where you were about 2 months ago. Willing to forgive the family and forgive him for not treating me like the family or even like the way I would have been treated. I would have overlooked all the craziness and even try to convince myself that it was a situation that I actually wanted.
The truth? I want to be married and have 3-5 kids (those are also the two big reasons we broke up. He did not want to get married and wanted 0 kids.) And I want my husband to be my husband. Not to have to compete for his attentions with his mom. She actually told me one time that we would have to "share her son" and my first thought was, I hope you don't get the part of him that I'm getting!! I want to have a relationship where a) I don't lose myself and love myself above all others and b) where my boyfriend/fiance/husband comes in first for other people. I feel that is how it should be. My ex doesn't see it like that (he really doesn't see anything except himself anymore) so I am not with him.
It takes a LONG time to get over the hurt feelings. I still get hurt and angry and it has been almost 10 weeks. But you start gaining a perspective- it IS weird that his sister was in your relationship. Don't discount your feelings. If it feels uncomfortable, it is probably a red flag. We like to blind ourselves to red flags but all of a sudden, they all spring up and you realize you can't compromise some things.
No contact is horrible. I will tell you that. It sucks so bad but it is also the best thing for you. I read somewhere not to cause yourself any unnecessary pain. It is one of my mottos now. I still pick up the phone and think how great it used to be to call him anytime but now, I know how it will go. He will be cool and distant and say something like, "I know I am not the person you want to talk to right now" (swear to god! and this was after a tragedy!) Nothing I do or say will get him to change his mind. So why would I belittle myself to pretend I am happy or content with what he did? I won't so I won't call. If he needs to call me so bad, he knows the number. In my situation, this means I don't expect to ever really hear from him again but that is okay. Why would I want him back or as a friend if he is treating me like this? I don't.
I hope you got through all of this and that it makes some sense to you. Break-ups throw you for a loop. I am high up one day and then crashing down the next (like yesterday--bad day but the sun is shining, I am alive and my dad just called me. It is a better day already) but everyone goes through that and everyone gets through that. It hurts it sucks but you will be okay. Write on the boards, write in your journal, read the book "Its called a break-up because it is broken" and I think, in time, you will realize that you deserve so much more and you will not be afraid to ask for it next time.
Have a good day,
Sarah
Wow, I just wrote a big long post and my computer lost all my info :-( I have appreciated all the support I have recieved from this message board.
Hey Colleen (and anyone else reading this post)-
I tried to e-mail you but I can't figure it out. If you knew me, you would laugh because I have been known to post on my own wall on facebook. :-) I am laughing anyways!
Thank you for writing so strong in your last post. It has helped me get through the pain today. I don't think I miss him. For the reasons I detailed, I know I would never have found true happiness in that situation. I had been thinking for a while how I would have to give up some of my dreams for him. I realize that in order for it to have worked, he would have had to acknowledge my sacrifices and made some of his own. But he does not want to do that. So I am going to move on and be strong. I fear that I won't be able to meet anyone. I fear that nobody will be interested in me again. I fear that my anger and bitterness and fear will consume me. But I am hoping again. I hope I live out the lyrics to Jewel's new song (awesome! It is called Stronger Woman) I hope if I ever run into him in the future (years and years) I will be able to be cordial and mean it (it won't hurt that I will have my handsome husband, gorgeous children and fabulous new haircut :-)
Thanks for reading. I'll be posting later.
Sarah
Edited 3/29/2008 12:31 am ET by swallens