still thinking of him daily

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
still thinking of him daily
14
Thu, 03-27-2008 - 11:27pm

So confused... want to end all contact including friendship... need some advise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 12:48pm

Hi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:25pm

Hi orangemango,


I read your story and it sounds quite similar to mine in some ways. My bf had a lot more problems than just job iassues (but you can read my old posts if you like- starting on March 7th). Anyway, job issues are a SERIOUS issue because it signifies stability: financial, emotional, social, etc. It indicates an investment in the present and the future. It denotes responsibility. There is good reason to be upset over that.


I turned 30, and was going thru that whole thing also, a few months later my boyfriend broke up with me saying he "didn't love me anymore" after 5 yrs. SO weird sisn't it? Sounds sort of like feelings of inferiority and committment-phobia.


But, anyway, I just wanted to say I know how you feel and am here to talk. I hope you are feeling better about things soon!


<3 Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 5:59pm

Hi thank you for your reponses carrie and bballsweety32.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:57pm

You know, he's absolutely right about one thing: He isn't good enough for you. He really isn't, hot mama, you'll be wiping this boy's butt forever if you stay with him as he is.

I guess I just want to know how he stayed out of a job for four years, and NO, off and on does NOT count. Let's take off your rosy glasses and help you see this man clearly. He is NOT a good choice for a mate for you. You are in love with your IDEA of him, of what he could be, of his potential, of your past with him, of your time invested-- but it's pretty obvious you are not in love with the man as he is today. Today is the only day that counts.

I don't think it's necessary to tell him in a letter or even in person why you're going to cut off contact with him. Honestly, if he needs to be told why, he's not all that bright either on top of being lazy. It was so easy for him to remain lazy, why? Because you accepted it from him. You and everyone else, and when you finally womaned up to tell him, "Hey, you're not doing right by you," instead of appreciating your honesty, he whined you were being harsh on him. Well, SOMEONE had to! Let's put it this way, if a small child who is otherwise healthy is severely overweight, do you blame it on the child, or do you blame it on the parents who fed that small child only McDonald's and catered to their junk food cravings?

I speak of him as a small child because that's how he's acting. Stay away from him and watch him grow into his manhood-- finally. Maybe when he does he WILL be good enough for you, but don't hold your breath waiting on that to happen.

Lust is blind. Real love sees it exactly as it is and calls it by name, with the best of intentions.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 5:54pm

Hi Sandra


You are right,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 7:45pm

Now I see your story much better, and I'd just cut my losses now because you're trying to make him be someone he was never meant to be. Someone he may say he wants to be, but truly doesn't want that otherwise he'd be that way already, no coaxing from anyone. You're trying to make someone who's being handed the world on a silver platter into someone who actually has ingrained ambition. Do you see the futility of that?

You seriously need to take a look at your own motivations here and see what it is you were trying to force when you said all those "helpful" things about him needing to do something with his life. Why should he have to? Seems to me he's got it pretty sweet, why should he risk messing that up in any way? To create a future with you? Oh no, see, that's trying to control the situation, and whenever we attempt to do that, the Universe kicks it right back at us and resists. That's why you didn't get anywhere, you were trying to control it and him.

As far as his friends, well, if those friends don't suggest he change, then it's probably because it would mess up whatever sweet situation they have with him, too. Maybe he uses Mommy and Daddy's money to pay for their nights out. Maybe they accept him as he is. Novel idea.

Women all over the world have been ruining their lives by seeing the POTENTIAL in the man, instead of just opening their eyes and SEEING THE MAN. Usually, in fact, I'd say nine times out of ten, it's going to backfire on you in some way. You base your relationship on the idea you cook up in your mind about who this person "could be" instead of who this person "is" right now, this second, sitting across from you with zero idea how to move any further and that sets you up for confusion and disappointment because you're trying to make reality fit fantasy.

His issues are not your problem, they really aren't, so it's best to let go of the outcome and just focus your energy on you. Regardless of whether you believe he did the right thing or not by breaking up, and I *am* very sorry about your pain, but the fact of the matter is that for him, it was enough to make him unhappy to the point that he didn't want to try and work on it, he'd rather walk away. So you're both right and wrong, for you this was wrong, but for him, this was right. Very right.

You try your best to help a friend who is in need. Your ex doesn't seem to be "in need" here, regardless of what you or anyone thinks of his situation. He's not putting himself in danger of anything except remaining immature long into adulthood. His parents are facilitating a pretty cushy life for him, and if they continue to agree to do it, why should he change? It's not for any of us to decide. Point blank, you accept him as he is or you walk.

It seems you two have *fundamental* values, character, goals, and background differences. I advise strongly against "telling him of all the things you did for him that he never noticed." It'll fall on deaf ears based on everything I've said in the paragraphs above. Are you unaware that you are dealing with someone who is completely self-focused and has been since the day he was born because of his upbringing? He's not "wrong" for being this way, this is who he is. You telling him anything won't undo 29 years of of that, no matter how righteous or noble you think it might be.

Yeah, I'm being harsh, but hopefully it'll keep you from doing anything to hurt yourself further. Open your life to finding someone who IS ambitious like you, most importantly, someone who doesn't have to be told to be that way, because that's obviously the type of man you want. Sorry to say, this one wasn't it.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 8:59pm

Hey Sandra,

Just wanted to let you know that your words here on this post have been quite helpful in answering my questions that I had about my situation. I have to say I love your posts. They inspire and bring a lot of wise words that currently have helped me through my ups and downs.

THANKS!

always,
marzbarz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 9:01pm

Orangemango

I know it is hard right now and you are itching to write him to tell the guy off believe me I have those days too, but like everyone said take the higher road and don't let him know how you feel. If you need to write it out just save it on a word document and don't send it. I'm going on three weeks tomorrow of no contact or email even though I have wondered many times if I should reply to give him my 2 cents. But I haven't and don't think I want to anymore. Why bother I tell myself it won't do any good. Just might add fuel to the fire as they say.

Take Care We all here for ya!

always,
marzbarz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:24am

Hi Sandra, all


Come to think of it, you are correct that I have tired to change someone that they are not who they are and he the same to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 3:03am

hello orangemango-

i don't know the whole story of your breakup but i did the same thing with my ex, i realized that i acted like his mother and felt like i had to help him be a better boyfriend or better person, when really it was all about what he could be not what he was at the time. i figured now this is probably because he didn't have a good environment growing up. but it wasn't my place to be his "guide" and try and fix him. my ex said he would go back to school, stop drinking and smoking, and pick up writing songs for guitar again (he's been playing for 10 years) because i was his "muse", his inspiration. (lame!) if you didn't figure it out already none of those things happened and there were so many excuses for why he couldn't stop smoking, or why he couldn't go back to school. there was always a catch. my ex had to take care of his mother (as a child) who was an alcoholic. you shouldn't have to make so many sacrifices for someone and expect them to change.

i spent money, so much money on behalf of my ex because i thought i was helping him and i thought i was sacrificing for our relationship. usually a person like this will only throw it back in your face that you "sacrificed" so much after a breakup. they will find the one flaw that you believed was "helping" the relationship and hold it against you. what i've learned is that relationships are about equality and if one person is pulling more weight, it isn't healthy. you shouldn't have to do all the work, while they sit back and make excuses.

i'm sorry for you loss. i know what you are going through but you will only learn more and become a stronger person. stay strong!

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