What do I do? Need help, please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
What do I do? Need help, please!!!
3
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 2:34pm

My husband of 10 years and I separated last July.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 2:44pm

I know, it's not easy breaking up with someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:37pm

Ditto what Sheri said.

I think if this is truly how you feel, you need to get your ducks in a row with the current BF and STAY STRONG through his tears. His tears won't change the fact that you neither want kids, nor to marry. He needs to go and find someone better suited to him, and you need to let that happen, actually MAKE it happen by letting him go. He'll be fine soon enough, the heart is an amazing self-healer (contrary to popular belief on this board ;-) ).

As for your husband, well, honestly I wish every marriage or long-term relationship could be happy and gilded and lovey each and every single day forever, but the truth is they're not and never were designed to be. It's very possible to find that "spark" again, and as long as you WANT to, it can happen. It seems your husband is up for it, but like many men, probably doesn't have the foggiest clue how to make it happen. There are retreats, classes, therapies, new experiences, adventures, etc, you and your husband can embark upon to seek out that spark, even if you never had it to begin with. (Google the word Imago.) Being comfortable, close, and able to laugh with your partner counts for so much, actually, much more than romance novels and movies with all their undefined "chemistry" would have you believe. Guess what? That, what you described, IS real chemistry. You can stoke the other fires over and over as you go along.

I just spent a couple of days with my parents who've been happily married for over 40 years. Picture after picture I took of them shows them standing close, holding hands, kissing, leaning into each other, laughing and enjoying. Seriously, it's enough to make you gag ;-) I was talking with my Mom one night and she told me of quite a few times in their relationship where things were not peachy-- dang near divorce, for sure. I asked her how? How is it that they look and act like this even after all they went through when so many others fall apart for so much less? "It's no accident, and it's work. Lots of it." Basically, barring infidelity or abuse, you accept that there is an ebb and flow to love and partnership, you enjoy every second of the flow of love, and you work like hell to get back to it during the ebb, you try everything you can think of and when you run out of ideas, you ask others for theirs.

For you, I'd suggest you figure out pronto where those feelings of stagnation and of being trapped came from, especially the feeling of being wrong for each oteher (why?) and get to work on making the source of that disappear. That is, unless you want to be back here again. Thing is, those feelings come from within you unless you were held against your will, and will rear their ugly heads again in whatever long-term relationship you end up in. Better to ackowledge and deal with them now, no?

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 9:01am

Sandra and Sheri, THANK YOU for your wisdom and kindness.


You are absolutely right, and I see that now.