Busy Boyfriend

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Registered: 03-29-2008
Busy Boyfriend
8
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 10:54am
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Edited 3/29/2008 2:00 pm ET by broken_12
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken_12
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 11:56am

So are you saying you'd really truly be ok with him not being able to spend time with you?

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Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: broken_12
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 3:27am
i'm telling you right now, don't put up with it. my old boy friend never have time for me and was ALWAYS busy at work or with hockey or with whatever. But don't hide your feelings about this. if it bothers you, tell him before you get too involved. That's what happened to me and now i'm totally heartbroken. It's not worth the pain... seriously. If he can't be there for you now, what makes you think he'll be there for you 2 years from now?? you can't change a man and don't even try. If it's meant to be, he'll be there for you every minute of the day, calling you whenever he's free, making sure you're alright, making you feel special every moment of the day. If he's not doing that, get rid of him. He's just not that into you and you need to realize that. if he was, he'd be by you side EVERY chance he could get and when he couldn't, he'd call every minute he could. That's true love, baby. A man WILL make time for the one he thinks is worth being with and if he doesn't, that's a sign. However, do YOU really want to be with a man who's that way? who isn't there for you? you're so much better than that!! You deserve the best and you should settle for nothing less because every woman is pure gold. we should be treated like the queens we are and when true love comes around, we will be and you'll want to treat that man the same way. If he's not there for you, it shows that he's too weak for you and that he's too chicken to call it out before you two get involved seriously. Take my advice... you're way too good for someone who is "too busy" to be with you.. not worth waiting around for to find out you are.. you're too good of a woman for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 1:31am

I have to disagree with this:
....."If it's meant to be, he'll be there for you every minute of the day, calling you whenever he's free, making sure you're alright, making you feel special every moment of the day. If he's not doing that, get rid of him. He's just not that into you and you need to realize that. if he was, he'd be by you side EVERY chance he could get and when he couldn't, he'd call every minute he could. That's true love, baby.".....

Um, no it's not. That's unhealthy attachment bordering on desparate neediness, codependency, and obsession.

I understand you had a similar problem with your ex. So the reason WHY you're saying what you are now make sense to me, because you want opposite of what you had, which is a normal, if extreme reaction to your breakup. If I could make a suggestion to you, don't let things fester in your future relationships, bring issues up right away while they're small before they get out of hand or become a bad habit, and simply notice their reaction, that'll tell you everything you need to know.

I take it the OP had problems with her boyfriend not spending "enough" time with her. Okay. So the thing to do is to say how much time is enough, and see what the man (any man) does about it. If he adjusts, groovy, if not, THEN that's the time to start to reconsider the length of time and amount of emotions invested in the relationship.

It's normal to want to be in contact with the one you love, to spend time with them, but the way you described it, ebeatle, to expect someone to be at beck and call and hold them to these astronomical standards and if they're not then they're not worthy, well, that's just not a healthy outlook or recipe for a good relationship. Statisically you're setting yourself up for either major codependency, or major disappointment, because the people who can keep that pace up indefinitely are rare-- in good and bad ways.

Simply my opinion. Good luck,

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Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 1:59pm
i understand what you're saying and i suppose i worded my response wrong. What i mean is that if it's meant to be, he'll be thinking about you all the time and vice versa. You'll be in agony when you're apart and in heaven when you're together. He'll phone you a lot and want to see you when he's free. To see each other everyday, talk on the phone everyday for hours would be a little extreme (for me anyways) and would drive me insane! You need that period of not communicating to figure out how important that person is to you. The situation with my old boy friend went something like this: He called me a total of 6 times in the time we were dating and i would call the rest. Not once a night, but enough. I usually set up the dates, there was a period of me not calling him just to see when he'd pick up the phone... a week later i gave in. He basically lead me on thinking this was something great and i eventually fell in love with him. And of course, in the end i got brutally hurt and still am. Granted, it was my first very serious relationship so what did i know right?
Nevertheless, i came to realize that i shouldn't have to change my standards to match the ones of some mediocre person who's great, but not what i wanted in total. and that's what I'm trying to say. If it's meant to be, he won't be too busy to be with you. he'll want to see you as much as he can without over doing it. you see? That's love.
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Registered: 02-04-2008
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 2:58pm

hey ebeatle. i agree with what you said on your last post. my ex sounds alot like yours. he never called that often, only in the beginning and then it was like he hardly ever did. when he did i would look at my phone and be like, "wow! he's calling! yay!". A girl shouldn't feel that way when her boyfriend calls.


i work with a lady who is in her 50's who has been married to her husband since she was 20 years old and he will text her at least once during her shift and i think that is awesome. Thats how it should be if you're in a relationship, not constant communication, but enough to feel like he thinks about you when you're not together. we all know space is very important but we shoudn't feel like we get too much space in a relationship. i would go a few days with not really talking to my boyfriend and i knew that just wasn't right.


when my ex and me had a "trial breakup last year" we still communicated and he started to call and check up on me more and was more williing to come over and etc. and then when i started feeling more comfortable in the relationship it got back to where it was. and then i was unhappy, then he was unhappy being with me so the second break up was real and i don't talk to him anymore. he didn't love me, i think he tried but he just wasn't that into me because he wouldn't have moved on to another relationship so fast after our break up. i will admit i continue to wonder how his new relationship is going, perhaps she's not so needy and doesn't demand

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Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 5:22pm
i know exactly how you feel greekgirl23. But it isn't being "needy" or "possessive". It's just what use girls want in a relationship. Why shouldn't we have the best? why shouldn't we want a guy to talk to us and want to see us all the time? Our hearts are big and for that, we need a lot to fill it up. Life can come at you pretty fast and we move as fast as we can to take in every inch of it. Sometimes, we just get caught up in the magic and lose our balance and fall. We want a man who is strong enough to catch us when we fall. That's all love is. Learning about it is harder than anything you'll take in school or overcome in your career. Allowing yourself to love and taking the risk of allowing someone to love you is an incredible feat. Sometimes it's so scary that we just want to run and hide and sometimes we just jump in with two feet. Thats what i did and i'm so glad i did because i wouldn't knwo the things i know now. Everyday i am sad and feel alone because i know my old boy friend who i loved for a long time is out there, capable of loving someone else that isn't me and really, it kills me inside. But everyday i grow stronger and stronger, knowing that if this didn't happen, if he didn't do this to me, i would be as naive as i was during the relationship forever and eventually, getting my heart broken at a much more degree. Life sucks sometimes but we can't let that stop us.
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Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 7:04pm

I understand your position a little better now.

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Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: broken_12
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 7:23pm
The thing is, i've always known and had expectations of what i want in a relationship. Even when my old boy friend and i were dating and he would let me down, i still knew that i shouldn't be treated this way but really, was so blind because my feelings for him were incredibly strong. I felt that in time, he'd see me in the same light that i saw him and that if i kept trying harder and harder, things would just magically fall into place. Can you blame me? We all are stupid and naive when we're in love. We see mirages all the time and want to believe they're real. The entire time he and i dated, i exhausted myself, trying to make things work and i just figured that this is what love is like. Yet, at the same time i knew that love shouldn't be this hard if both people feel it... obviously i was the only one who felt that way in the relationship. Another fault is that i wanted to be in love so bad that maybe i did fall in love with him or maybe i just fell in love with love, you know? i wanted things to move quickly and was so excited i was with this great person but clearly, moving at break-neck speed isn't the best thing to do. I've always had standards of what to expect and they haven't changed. What has changes is the fact that in my next significant relationship, i'll be waaaaaaaay more cautious and know that things can't go at rocket speed and to listen to myself! Countless times, i remember just not listening to my conscience because i thought i could fix things. Your conscience is there for a reason, but when you're new to something, it's pretty much the last thing you want to listen to because it speaks the truth. I didn't want to hear the truth EVER because i knew what i was doing, what i was apart of wasn't fitting. No one wants to admit they're wrong. My heart is still broken and will be for a very long time but i find solitude in the fact that i have learned to listen to myself because i think i'm pretty smart at figuring this stuff out. i almost can't wait for my next relationship so i can watch myself put the puzzle pieces together in the right way.