Never going to find peace : (

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Never going to find peace : (
18
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:49pm

It's been almost a week since my breakup (re

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 6:12pm

Hey Starry


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 6:15pm

Oh my goodness girl. Reading your post must be what my friends have heard from me! And maybe what I write will be of some help to you. Obviously, you are not alone. Look at this board, look at this post. I still am in exactly the same boat you are.

We broke up 10 weeks ago. I still feel the way you are (how could he do this when he said he loved me just the day before, does it mean that he never did care, was everything he ever said a lie et...) but I am coming to realize that I probably will never know and it is okay. You have to be okay and make a life for you without the answers you think you need. I am talking to a friend of mine who is also going through a break-up and who also has the same questions we do and we both agreed that the answers you seek will not change the past. They might change how you feel now and might change the future. But nothing is going to change what happened. The two of you may talk, you may get back together but for right now, you can not do a thing to rectify all of this. That sucks. Its a horrible position for everyone to be in. But totally trust what you read and what people say on this board, time will heal everything; you will gain some perspective and you are going to be okay again.

I really thought I would be with my ex. That it was he and I together forever. Even when I saw a red flag, I would pick it up and set it to the side. Soon, I had a huge pile neither one of us could ignore. He did exactly what yours did--left with hardly an explanation and we talked maybe 5 times in the 10 weeks since it happened. It is what it is. I totally miss him, wonder if he misses me and all of that. But he is not putting thought or energy into me (I figure if he is, he would have contacted me so far) so I can't do it either. Some days are better than others. I don't remember the first 2 weeks after the break-up. I cried all the time. I couldn't sleep. I lost about 17 pounds. I talked and talked and talked about it. I think that's what you do. You give into those feelings and soon, they dry up. I cried yesterday but that was my first time in 3 weeks. THINGS ARE NOT POINTLESS. You have friends and family who love you and who are hurting for you. Going through the motions is okay--its like a pattern for your brain. Your brain is getting you through the basics until you can put your energy into things. And you will, and soon. I didn't think I could but here I am 2 and 1/2 months later, focusing on school and friends and realizing I have a lot to learn from all of this. I know you will get to that point too.

Please be kind to yourself and let us know what we can do to help.
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 6:23pm
Oh God...YES I so understand! My ex did exactly the same...he adored me! I NEVER IMAGINED he would EVER leave me. I have NO CLUE what happened! We are left confused and reeling...things just turned on a dime. It makes no sense. The only sense I could make of it was the commitmentphobia thing. They pursue you with fervor in the beginning, just to disappear just when things are getting serious! It took me a while to give in to my ex and trust him, love him, etc. the way he wanted me too. I totally understand your pain. I have good days and bad...today is BAD!!! I know what you mean...I don't want him back either! It's like grieving for what you thought the relationship was, what didn't happen, dying dreams! Just keep posting girl! YOu know I'm here if you need to vent! xx
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 6:42pm

Sweetie, what you are expecting is *impossible*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 6:53pm

Thank you both so much for your responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 7:20pm

Litgirl01, yes today is a stinky rotten day!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 8:12pm

Well, I don't say this to scare you--rather to prepare you:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 8:25pm

Hi Sheri,


Seems like this is a low-point for a lot of us today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 6:08pm

Hi Starquake,
Sweetie..how you are feeling, I am feeling the same way. Some days are ok, some are worse. But my situation is different, we have a child together and 8 years. And I basically got tired of the red flags and the gut instincts and called the girl up and went to his house. He then started running after her, told me in front of her that he didnt want me and called me all kinds of names and all i could do was stand there....wordless. Just hours before, he was texting me, loving me etc. This was on March 8th. Still very fresh. Right now our conversations have been about our daughter in which I kind of wont let him see because in talking to her, i found out why he didnt come get her alot because she was around and knew my daughter would come back and say something to me. So he put his daughter aside for his own selfish needs. I cant say I want him back, I have realized that probably no woman he will ever be with will be "the only one". He has problems. I am more hurt over what I thought I had and who I thought he was. And often times I lay in the bed and look at the ceiling for hours and cry over what "I thought".
At this point, I have no clue of what to do. No one can really give you the advice you need and no, its not going to be ok right now. I hate when people tell you that, just be real. It s going to hurt like heck for a minute but I got through one break up one time and I thought that I would never feel this kind of pain again but here I am. Suffering because I am. 8 years and come to find out he was with her for about 2 plus he was engaged to her. They got engaged last October, this just happened the breakup and all last month. So just imagine what I am feeling. My days are long and my nights are longer. And I often have to put on a happy face just to deal with my kids. I think about it all day and all night until I fall into a deep sleep then I dream. Its haunting my mind. The first man I loved like that took no less than everything from me and he took what was left. But I bet it wont happen again. I can promise that. I dont want to bash men but..it is what it is. Alot play games and show no regards for your feelings. Im not going to make anyone else pay for his mistakes but I just dont see myself getting that caught up again...in no one.

So I can relate. I feel right now that I will never get over this too. I have to basically look at him everyday because our daughter looks just like him and the hurting thing is, its like she really dont matter too much to him anymore either. So i got it double. And its easy for people to say that it will be ok who have been there done that and its fine for them right now. All I can tell you to do is pray, cry, get mad, cry some more etc. Me myself, I dont want to go out for fear of seeing them together. My friend saw them together at a party last weekend and they managed to put on a little show for her because they know that she knows me. And I think this weekend, they are going to the beach. So I have alot to swallow. I swear, I can be just fine. In the kitchen cooking etc, then I will just go in the bathroom and cry. I have begged god to just make it all go away. I know the answers will never come. He has called and "tried" to be friendly and say a little something out the way to me but I just ignored it. Then I started to feed into it, get him over, tape record the whole thing and then send it to her job just so she can see who he really is but she saw that the first time and he lied to her so good...thats why she is still with him and got mad at me for bringing to her attention. So I am just relying on karma right now and hoping he gets his. What goes around comes around. And hopefully she will do it to him and he will see how it feels but then again, the prick may just end up being happy with her. My luck. She said they were supposed to be moving in together so..Lol. Its alot. I wonder how I have made it this far without cracking up. So I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I KNOW.

I seen the signs but now I live by that quote from Maya Angelou...."If someone shows you who they are.....believe them".

Best wishes to you and take care. Keep in touch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 7:18pm

Hi starquake -


::I am sorry, I just can't see ever getting past this.


If that's what you dwell on, think about, focus on, then it's a true statement and you won't get past it. It's only been a week?

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