Really Sad
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| Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:47pm |
Hello
Found this site yesterday as I was looking for help to make me strong. I have been married for 22 years and yesterday my husband left me. We have 2 lovely boys aged 15 & 11, a lovely house, no money worries and some great friends.
Last month my dad died and my husband told me the day after that he was very unhappy with our marriage and whilst he loves me he is not in love with me. I persuaded him to stay as i was so sad over my dad that I couldn't cope with what he was telling me. So for a month I tried to do everything to make him happy and to make him want me again. Things got much better and he get telling me we were going to be alright, he bought me presents and was much nicer to the boys. He has a really high powered job and is always working and I has always been really supportive of him - he never had to do anything round the house - despite working full-time I worked really hard to make sure that when he was home he could recharge.
So anyway yesterday he said he had tried but felt everything was forced and wanted to leave. I was so shocked and devastated as only the day before we had had such a nice time. we told the boys and they were crying it was truly awful - he left to stay at his mum and dads(who think he is mad for doing this) I just don't know how he can throw all these years away and everything we have without trying harder.
He is adament that there is none else and I believe him. He is 43 yrs old and recently I saw that he was looking for books on amazon called "How do i want to live my life" He has also just bought a really expensive road bicycle and has decided to ride from London to Paris in July (on our sons 16th bday which he says he didn't realise) He says he's always wanted to work abroad as well - news to me.
Anyway so here I am can't sleep for wondering what to do. I don't know if he has gone permantly cos he said he just needed space but if he doesn't love me then I can't see he will come back. I couldn't stop texting him yesterday and he was really supportive. Looking on here though has helped me see that I need to stop seeing him through rose coloured glasses and realise just how selfish he is being. I have resolved today not to contact him but really don't know if I can do this - I keep thinking that if I don't he will realise what he's lost and come back. I am trying so hard to be strong - my boys are helping and my family and friends have been great. but I love him and am hurting like hell.
thanks so much for listening and any support you can give.
x

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Hi hels and welcome.
You know, I have to say it was UNBELIEVABLY SELFISH of your husband to pull this stunt on you the DAY AFTER your father's passing. Really incredibly lousy of him.
Just because he's feeling his own mortality (aka, midlife crisis) doesn't mean he has the right to take it out on you. Honestly, sometimes it's totally laughable the things guys do when they start to think "Oh no, my life is over, I need to re-capture every bit of the life I never led, the one I never got around to making for myself because I was too busy/unfocused/insert common drama here."
I'm coming across harshly about your husband because how dare he? Seriously, and while you were needing to grieve the death of your father, which by the way I am SO sorry, he had you jumping hoops to turn on his deflated ego and after a month says, "No not good enough?" Oh hell no!
You tell him to hop on his precious Harley, go trippin all over God's creation, and you and the kids will be just FINE without him, thankyouverymuch. Especially seeing as he'll be paying quite nicely for his newfound freedom from domestic bliss, as you DID say he's quite the business executive? Oh yeah, this one pays.
You know, my Mom and Dad have been happily married for over 40 years. Not all easy, of course, but they're strong. Regardless, my MOM says let my Dad mess up even now and she's got no qualms about sending him packing and being on her own. Guess what? I beleive her, and more importantly, so does my Dad.
Toughen up, girl. Get that backbone straight and show Mr. Midlife Crisis what you're REALLY made of. Don't be mean, be fabulous!
Best,
Loved your post, Sandradee. You wittily expressed exactly how I feel about this situation. To the OP, your husband is plain selfish, and seriously lacking in creativity if he thinks rejuvenating his life means hopping on a Harley. In time he will learn that "finding yourself" doesn't work too well if you lose your family in the bargain. It's unfortunate your DH is not who you thought he was, but YOU have the opportunity to show your character. Of course you'll go through periods of intense sadness and anger, but I have a feeling you'll come emerge strong and proud from this ordeal.
(((Hugs))) Freelance
Hello-- texting him like crazy does not equal fabulous.
Turn off you phone.
Read this:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=20822.1
Then this:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=25394.1
Don't be too hard on yourself.
thankyou for these i have read them and know they are right. It was only my first day without him yesterday and I really thought he'd call to see how I was. I did get angry with him and called him selfish and told him i can't believe he's left now when we need him so much.
i have written down all the reasons to hate him and will try harder today. I also tried to find my legal rights financially and it looks like he will be the winner here as I will have to sell our home. Its all so unfair and I feel so bad for my boys.
thanks for listening I'm grateful to have this support.
Hi,
I have a completely different take on this than everyone else. People that post on this board primarily are not married, nor have been in a relationship for 20 years, so keep that in mind when evaluating the advice you get. You have been with this man for 20 years and obviously love him. This appears to be a man that is struggling. How would we all want to be dealt with when going thru a mid-life crisis and facing our mortality? If he's having issues, maybe the death of your father made it all the more "real" to him. Granted, the timing of him dropping that bomb on you was incredibly selfish, but is that the man you know? Has he always been that selfish, or is his crisis so strong that he can't help it right now? My advice would be to not respond out of anger, but with understanding and love. Of course you have to do what's best for yourself and your children, but "showing him what you're made of" right now should include your best qualities, not your worst. He's a human being having some problems right now. Wouldn't you rather try to help him through this, and hopefully get the family unit back together, then act in such a way that you drive him away further and become a person he wouldn't want to be with? Not saying it's easy, but think about what you would like the outcome of this situation to be, and act accordingly. Just my humble opinion.
ducky
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