Is a "mantra" healthy?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-01-2008 - 9:06pm |
Not even sure you'd call it a "mantra". But, to deal with my recent break-up (Friday evening), I'm referring to my exBF as the "alcoholic-porn addict". Only referring to him as that in my head, though. Otherwise, I might sound a bit crazy?
I only recently realized my (ex)BF is a functional alcoholic. We live 4.5 hours apart. But, I started to understand that he drinks a bottle of wine A NIGHT. On the nights he's not home, he drinks around 5 beers, in the name of "happy hour." When we broke up this weekend, he finally admitted he might have a problem. He doesn't get mean when drunk, he doesn't go nuts without access to alcohol, he doesn't drink during work, before work etc. In fact, he's quite a "fun" drunk. But, that's an excessive amount of alcohol. Plus, I found out his grandfather was a "traditional" alcoholic.
I know that he once had what he called an "addiction" to online porn. No idea if he still does. It never affected our s3x life but then again, we only saw each other every other weekend. Based on another post, I see he's a "textbook" commitment-phobe, and I bet that finding sexual fulfillment through online porn fits in that profile as well.
So, maybe my mantra should be "alcoholic-porn addict-commitment phobe"?
I'm not new to massive heatbreak. My 9 year marriage (13 year relationship) ended four years ago when my ExH had an affair/midlife crisis. This relationship lasted only 18 months, and the pain isn't nearly as severe. But ,still, I can't believe i'm going through this again! BTW, we broke up because I got a job near my (ex) BF, and he freaked out over the implied commitment. Good news is that my current job and the new job are now in a "bidding war" over me. I might get more money out of this at least!
Anyway, this kind of "focus on the negative" worked in helping me get over my marriage. I guess I just want to double check that this kind of coping isn't completely unhealthy. I want to do things "right"; as I know it impacts future relationships.

My feeling is, so long as you recognize that you're demonizing him and that no one is all good or all bad (or at least very few people are), then if thinking of him that way helps you, go for it.
I find that I become more balanced in my viewpoint about my exes as I gain more distance and perspective
It worked for me with my first real heartbreak. I can not repeat here what I referred to that guy as, but it made me feel better. I think I even told him years later (we are great friends now) and we laughed about it.
As long as you aren't being malicious with it....go for it!