just broke up, it hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
just broke up, it hurts
13
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 9:35am

Hi, I am 40 years old and was just dumped by my year and half boyfriend.


I thougfht i was a great relationship, we did EVERYTHING together, spend week-ends together, knew each others family well, sometimes hinted on " if we get serious" ....... this or that, although he always had the I´m not sure i want to commit phrase.


I have a 10 year old son, and although at first he tried, he would use it when he would tell me " I´m not sure I see myself living with you and your son " ...... but then he would just call me the next day, and keep averything just the same, great calls, movies, everything................


Maybe I was blind but if " actions speack louder than words" , his actions were great, I mean talking 5 times a day every day , seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week and every week-end , having fun, enyoing time together, calling each other cute names, relating well with each others family.


I never pressuerd, he would always say like " ............ well we ´ve been together for a year, wonder what will happen............ but he did start to say things like in the last 2 month , I don´t know if I want to give up my freedom


So past time I felt I could also talk about the future and I told him, well would you move in with me...........,cause we were like great, spending all trhe time togerther, having fun everything,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 9:44am

Sounds almost exactly like what I just went through last Friday. My boyfriend of a year and a half broke it off, just as I was getting ready to accept a job near him (we live 4.5 hours apart) and move. He'd even helped me find the job! I'm currently reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" based on a rec from my post earlier this week. Have you read it? I think you should run out at lunch and get it if possible. It's really helping me.

Based on my tiny bit of experience and research this past week, it definitely sounds like you were dealing with a c-phobe. BTW, they often jump right into another relationship, instead of facing their problems with the one they just left. They know the new relationship won't last either but it's a distraction.

Here's the link to my post from earlier this week: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=25420.1&ctx=0




Edited 4/4/2008 9:45 am ET by luna1940
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 9:49am

thank you Luna, I´m gonna read your post.


So they get scared of commitment and RUN to someonelse ???? just like that ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 10:00am

this is like " COLD TURKEY" , after more tha a year talking everyday, doing everything together and enjoing it, 1month and NOTHING.


He wouln´t do anything without telling or asking me first, he always wanted to see me was jealous , he would introduce me as his GIRLFRIEND , would tease " when we are married....." imagine if we have a girl ........ but to be honest lately wehn that isuue came up ( getting serious" he would hesitate and say " I don´t know " ..............


does he even miss me a little ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 10:04am

I brought the book with me to work today, as a coping mechanism. From pg. 329:

"Your ex-partner can't live with the two loud voices of conflict , so one of them has to be destroyed. The easiest way to turn off the voices and try to eradicate the conflict is to find someone new. The fact that someone can jump from one intense relationship to another is proof of a commitment problem. It highlights the fact this this person can only have a relationship based on fantasy. The moment any commitment becomes real, the same problems will emerge."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 10:27am

I guess knowing this can help understand.


But there still is pain, hurt , devastation. How can someone just DISAPEAR ???

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 11:13am

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:49pm

Thank you very much Sheri.


I juast want somone to tell me it´s ok to be said, I am sooooo haert brocken, is it ok I don´t feel like doing anything ?


I promise I have tried to change my atitude but I miss him so much, i can´t yet digest thats it´s over, GONE


Is it normal for me to be sad and mourning and apathetic and no wanting to do anything ?


I´ve lost 10 lbs. , i hate to see myself like this.


But please somebody tell me the pain is normal and that I´m not being pathetic ......


My girlfriends ask me to go out with them, to move on, but it´s only been a month and I can´t

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:56pm

It is normal, and yes, you will get past him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 2:01pm

Antonia,


Me and my boyfriend weren't together as long as you and your boyfriend, but he exhibited the same symptons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 2:31pm
haha. its funny that you said that Nicole. my ex was an excellent salesman as well, was the top salesman at the store he used to work at. Made all these promises at the beginning of our relationship. he told me the moment we started to get to know eachother other the first night he had this feeling like, "i'm going to marry her". haha!

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