If I contact him, I lose power
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| Sat, 04-05-2008 - 11:32am |
I keep telling that to myself because boy, is the urge to contact STRONG. It's only been 8 days since the break-up. Last night, the mutual friend who introduced us came over with wine and ice cream. I knew she'd probably been in contact with him; I didn't ask but she ended up telling me some things he'd told her this past week. It was the same stuff he'd told me...he doesn't think anyone in a long-term commited relationship is happy, he plans to stay single forever, he doesn't need counseling, etc. But, he also told her that when I drove away for the last time on Sunday (it was a long distance relationship), that he cried harder than he's ever cried, and that he'd never heard the kind of noises that were coming from his body.
Sigh. I knew that meeting with this mutual friend would in fact be "indirect" contact because I'd hear something about how he's doing since the break-up. But, this friend has four kids, I never see her, she'd made the effort to come over...so I accepted the offer. Now, however, I know it's going to set me back just a bit.
Which is why it's so hard not to contact right now! But, the last contact was initiated by him. On Monday, he emailed to ask if I'd accidentally packed his phone charger because he couldn't find it. I responded with "no" and he sent back a longer than necessary email. The email didn't need a response, and I didn't respond. Neither of us have contacted since then. But, if I do contact him, for whatever reason, that gives HIM the power to either ignore or respond. If he does respond, he has the power to decide WHEN (could take a while) and how much (a terse reply would hurt me, for instance). As it stands, he was the last one to initiate contact, and that gives me just a tiny bit of power - something I need, since I was the one so unexpectedly dumped!
I've been here before. It was much worse before. 4 years ago my husband of 9 years (13 year relationship) left for another woman. He went back and forth about wanting to come back to me for a good 8 months. And I know, from that experience, that initiating contact always left me feeling worse, and left him feeling as if I was always there, "just in case", which just prolonged both of our agony.
So, one way in which I'm desperately trying to avoid typing a long email to my now exBF, is by typing a long post on this board! I think I just may go shopping later today as well (if my 6yo has the patience). One good thing that came out of all of this, is that I was getting ready to move to be with my BF; had the job offer and everything. That's what freaked him out, causing us to break up. I turned down the job, they offered me more money, I talked to my current employer, and they matched the offer, effective April 1. So, I think that spending a tiny bit of that raise wouldn't hurt. : )

Sounds like you're in the right frame of mind to get though this with grace. You'll be just fine.
Stay strong!