Feeling Guilty...
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Feeling Guilty...
| Sat, 04-05-2008 - 1:44pm |
I've posted before about breaking up up with my ex about a month and a half ago. I've been feeling sad but in general doing well. Recently however, I received an email from him in regards to the breakup and he mentioned a lot of things as to why he wanted to break it off with me. We never had a sit-down discussion as to

Guilt has been a major problem with me. Though i think i've been feeling guilty for acting in ways that were too absorbed in my partner, rather than being absorbed in myself, but all in all its still a guilty feeling. I think my behavior though, was selfish. i was wanting him to act a certain way and give me the attention i wanted and when i didn't get it i complained and cried and he really didn't like that so i constantly pushed him away. i think guilt is probably
Thanks GreekGirl. Your post had me thinking...especially when you said "Everything that each of us did right or wrong is just a product of who we were at the time and now its the past." And that is true but some people have a hard time thinking that I've "magically" changed dramatically in the last 2 months. But I feel like while not totally changed, I have changed a lot because this breakup has opened up a blind spot I didn't realize before -- me questioning myself, my motives, my wants, and who I am as a person. I just never really thought about all those things and the more I think about it, the more I start viewing things differently and it is after all, our perceptions of the world and those around us, that changes our behaviors and actions.
I still feel guilty but maybe another word would be regret. I don't understand WHY if I am willing to change (and have started changing) what we had could not be saved? I can't get that out of my head. I guess because in my mind, I'd be head over heels if someone I went to and told them what I didn't like about them, was willing to genuinely work on things and change for me but more importantly because they want to for themselves. This isn't a rhetorical question but I don't even know if anyone out there (or even me) can answer that question.
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I dont know if this will explain what you're asking, but I have asked myself the same thing. A little background, my ex and i were together almost 3.5 years. About 2 years into the relationship he has a one-night hookup in college. He worked for many months to win me back, and he was willing to change- and he did. We lasted a few more months and I ended it again. I also wondered why, if someone had so much remorse and regret- that I could not work on things more. Now I know cheating is a very different subject than you bring up but Its been 18 mos since that incident and he has still not given up proving how sorry he is- he has changed and he has learned from this. While I appreciate it, I just dont feel the same anymore.
I think possibly your bf's feelings changed prior to you realizing you were willing to change. That is what I figured out about myself. Damage had been done- in my case, he was aware of the damage immediately- but in your case, you were not aware of the damage you were causing until he broke it off. Bottom line, he had already checked out of the relationship
Beleive it or not, I still feel a lot of guilt over my decision. I know it was the right one, but I look at this guy I once loved, and who still loves me so much and I see the changes, and I wonder if I"m just making a big mistake to let someone who would work so hard, get away. I know he's going to be a great catch for someone else, and Im sure that day will be tough for me- but you need to do the same. Learn from your mistakes and make yourself that great person for the next guy that comes along.
As hard as it is, life is just a lot of tough lessons.
I think there's too much focus on the guilt issue here. I know Sandra has briefly or throughly gone over it on the next post over in regards to getting over the guilt, but I'll re-interate it anyways. No matter how fantastic your ex was, it took two of you to get into this break up. You because of whatever personality faults you or he perceive that you have and he because he expected you to read his mind and correct it accordingly.
Case point: last relationship I was in, we had very different conflict resolutions. If I don't like I spoke up and he adjusted his behaviour accordingly (or not sometimes). But unfortunately he never spoke up until our break up, at which point I was presented a LAUNDRY list of my faults. I was wracked with guilt about how I'd single handedly messed up a great relationship.
Now case lesson - a. he was the perfect guy because I'd communicated my problems well and he'd responded well. Check mark on both parties. b. relationship ended because he didn't speak up and I had quirks that annoyed him. Big X on both sides. Point of this? Just to prove that everything that works and doesn't work in a relationship is a product of both parties.
Being 'selfish' in a relationship isn't a great trait, but most people have a hard time identifying their own faults and pitfalls in a relationship. Sometimes it's up to the other person to speak up because you can't change what you don't know.
So this is your chance to fix whatever it is that bothers you so that your next relationship won't fall into the same pitfalls.
All the best,
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.