SOS, should I contact him ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
SOS, should I contact him ???
15
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 4:10pm

It was a month yesturday, when my boyfriend of a year 1/2 called me sobing that he neded to figure out about us, so he needed to be alone. He said it was going to be very hard for him bacuse he really, reaaly loved me. But wasen´t sure.


Saw him a week later having lunch with a girl.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=25440.1&ctx=128


I swore he would call me, he hasn´t , I haven´t either but am about to.


I have a perfect excuse to text him, I found his tee-shirt that he loves and I had it.


The reason I wonder if a text message is ok, is because he is soooooooo insecure, I used to contact him usually when we started off more than a year ago ..... he would only call me after I text´d him


I am BIG TIME DEPRESSED,I am going to therapy but still DEPRESSED the pain and apathy is killing me, I´m just SAD and feel like crying all day today, BAD DAY ........... I guess I thought he would even miss me a little and contact me since it´s been 1 month.


what should I do


what could be the worst if I contact him ?


I think he would be scared to contact me because he probably thinks I´ll reject him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 4:16pm

Also because when we broke up ( he did ) he was very very depressed because he didn´t feel motivated and starting a Life as in getting a job or having something. He would tell me " I can´t stand myself, how can you stand me " ? , he would say " the onlyone who can help me is myself 2 ........... he really had low self-esteem and felt bad.


He said he had to be responsible and look for his " something" he was very DEPRESSED ........... is that a reason for contacting him just " how do you feel .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 5:42pm

Antonia66,


The worst, just read a few stories on the board, about being devestated that the conversation didn't go better, or that he was cold, short with you, unfeeling, leaving you feel worse than you do now.


Just mail the shirt to him.





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 9:34am

this is defenetly what " cold turkey" is.


You have a comanion wich who wants you, depends on you, calls you every day, wants to see you, shares his life with you, you with him, you laugh, have great times do everything together for a whole year, non-stop, familiy´s included . EVERYTHING ! the after a few signs of not wanting to commit and then one day " I love you a lot but I need to be alone to figure it out "........ then you see him with another woman and NEVER hear from him again ??????


You try to tell yourself it´s over, you don´t contact him because simply he doesn´t want you but you think hes going to miss you ( it would only be normal ) I mean you get use to sharing and doing everything together but for him I guess it didn´t matter.


IUs he a casanova, a DON JUAN ?, he can share a whole year of love with you and udenly be dating another woman or if he was honest " loves you but can´t figure out about commitment ¨" .................


was I just another from just 100 women,he´s 43 and single


The fact is I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 9:46am

is it fair to give into grief ??


If it´s morning and just don´t feel like doing anything , having that horrible stomach pain sesantion, wanting to cry and not even wanting to get up, is it fair that I just give into the motions ?????

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 11:48am

Yes, you will get better--a month isn't very long I'm afraid although I'm sure it's seemed like an EON.


Have you read any of the resources on the board, such as the post on thought-stopping and making a set of index cards that list all of the bad things about your relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 12:41pm

thanks sehri


but the NC. really isn´t an issue for me, maybe one desperate day it went through my mind when I

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 12:44pm

Thought stopping is not the same as NC--it's intending to get your brain out of the groove of thinking about him all the time and especially thinking only of the good things.


Have you considered talking to a counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 1:02pm

hi sheri


yes I have been going to a counseler, but she tells me " I promise in time he will call back, it´s human nature " , she says ofcourse "


So I´m thinking of going to anotherone who wont say that cause I think it´s counterproductive.


Next week I have an apointment with anotherone.


I am not doing the NC either to " make him call me " , and though it´s good for getting over him, thats not the reason either, I am doing the NO CONTACT because I think I wouldn´t have any dignity if I contacted him after he broke up and I saw him flirting with that girl.


I just miss that funny loving , nice perosn I had in my life ............... so much and in " cold turkey" it´s devastating.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 1:06pm

I agree--that counselor does not sound very realistic or practical.


I'm not sure why you keep referring to no contact in your posts to me when I was talking about something else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Fri, 04-11-2008 - 4:32pm

I'm so sorry for you loss. I would advise you, from my experience, to treat this break up like a death. You must realize the person is gone... and that is why cold turkey no contact is so difficult, because one day they are there, you talk to them almost every day... then one day they are no longer there and all the moments you would've been talking to them or with them make it more painful.

Even if they "say" all these things and you "know" them and know how they will act, people can turn on you in a second. That is the difficult part to accept... I never thought my ex would break up with me, ever. I was completely blindsided. My ex was the most loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend, and the second we broke up, he was a DIFFERENT person. Now looking back he really wasn't those things. But I had to accept that everything he said and did in the relationship was no longer, and the way he acted in the relationship was obviously not the person he really was. He had turned on me and became someone I didn't know existed, but someone he obviously was. I went through pretty bad depression as you are going through trying to accept the reality of the situation.

And if you do talk to him, he may just be rude, and may not be completely honest with you. That's why it would be best not to talk to him. It may make you feel worse and prolong the grieving period.

I also have my ex's favorite shirt, and I'm glad i have it. i think of it as a souvenir, and if he wants it, that is his problem... : )

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