5 years, 4 mnths, how much longer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
5 years, 4 mnths, how much longer?
1
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 7:40pm

Just found this post earlier and have been reading thorough all the stories and advice given. Heres my story:
I am 35. He is 37. I met my guy when I was 30. We have been together (with one summer break up) until last January when he came over to my place after being out drinking, and said we needed to break up. I have just finished my master’s course in December, and he started his last October. He has always been insecure about his abilities, and it took me to encourage him to go for the course, write his application form, and then pay for half of it......(I know what your thinking- but you just don’t think about these things when you are in what I thought was a committed relationship!) So he came over to my place (we live across the road from each other- another thing I sourced for him- got his buddies to take a beautiful Georgian 5 storey house similar to mine, so that he could have his friends around him after he left my place- we had been living together for 2 years prior to that - and he needed space to work) Fine! He even got an office space in this lovely house......anyway- cut to the scene- he comes to my place drunk, after I asked to see him- I sent him a text that evening to say that I couldn't remember what he looked like (as a joke) -he hadn't been around over Christmas, and new years eve…and this was Jan 3rd.
So - he said he needed to do this course alone- for himself, to prove he could do it- both to me and to himself. I agreed. I just finished my course, and it was time for me to really focus on my work also. He said he could see us together as an old couple, sitting in front of a fire together, and that our relationship needed a shake up, so that we could appreciate each other more- I listened carefully and agreed (slightly awkwardly) with that- I asked him if there was anyone else- and he defiantly said no, there wasn't. I accepted what he said and was very calm about everything- this was for the benefit of our future together, and if this was a plan that he thought would make us stronger- then it would be a good idea by me also. He then asked that we might have 2 months silence- no contact, I thought that that would be difficult, (living across the road from each other and in a community of friends all sharing the same space) however, I said ok, reluctantly, to this too.
A week later I am out with friends and hear from one of his housemates that he has been having a girl from his course staying over with him since early November- and that they did not want to tell me, as it might distract me from my studies which were very intense coming up to the end. I met with my (now very much ex) the next day to try and confront him as to whether this was the truth or not. We met in a cafe and I remember trying to force a sandwich down, knowing that if I heard the truth from him, I wouldn’t be able to eat anything, I was really nervous, and kept fumbling with the food, not getting much in..) -all the time he was winking at me and chit-chatting about the course etc. We left the cafe walking together towards our road, and I knew I only had a couple of minute’s left to ask him before we would both go into our separate houses. So I asked him- Are you sleeping with her? He (of course) said no, he wasn’t. I asked him again and again, and he kept repeating that he wasn’t, they were merely working on a project together.....I really needed to know, so I took another tack with him and said that I would have to ask her for the truth, and, if it was going to take me waiting outside their college on a Tuesday at lunchtime, then that’s what I would have to do. So he blurted out yes, he had slept with her, and turned on his heels to quickly exit my company. I was horrified. It was as though someone had just turned on the gravity switch, and my body had turned into lead. Its funny, the pain only lasts a minute, then it turns into anger. (My counsellor today told me that anger locates itself very easily in the mind - it activates the brain- and that’s why someone caught up in the adrenaline of an anger rush can access all their vocabulary and wit readily, to express themselves in such a lucid manner they might never have thought possible before), anyway, that didn’t happen, I was rooted to the spot in disbelief. He was already inside his house across the road. I went up to our living room that overlooks the street- and his front door. I lit a cigarette- and rang him. I kept him on the phone for an hour telling him / trying to get him to tell me how and why this had happened especially after he had told me the things he had, only a week earlier. He mentioned that this girl was arriving to do some 'work' with him, and I resolved to keep him on the phone til I saw her arrive at the front door, and I would intercept her (I didn’t know what I would say/ or why I wanted to do this - I was getting no concrete answers from him, and perhaps I thought she would have some light to shed on the situation) So I kept him talking. I thought that if he was on the phone to me- she wouldn’t be able to get through to ring him to say she was outside and could he let her in. So, eventually she pulled up on her bike, a pretty thing, 29 years old.... its comedic thinking back- I leapt up to grab my keys. Unbeknown to me- he was doing the same thing in his house- we both made for the door, while trying to disguise the fact in our conversation, me trying to keep the sound of the key going into the latch and my heart racing from being audible. I made it over to his door as he was closing it, and I shouted her name through the letterbox. I could see them consult for a moment and then the door opened, and I told him I needed to talk to her. He went back inside giving me a nervous glance. We began to walk away from the house -I had no idea what to say. I asked her if she was sleeping with him and she said yes- my heart sank again, even though I thought it couldn’t have gone any lower...she didn't say very much- I guess I did all the talking, saying I was a reasonable person and that this was a very unfair situation. We walked around the block- it might have only taken 10mins but it felt like forever- here was the woman who he wanted more then me, did she know that we had been together for 5 years? I can’t remember if I even asked her, I wanted to know everything about her, but I was too afraid to ask, I was perfectly civil, and I’m proud of the way I handled it looking back. I delivered her back to his front door, knocked on it, and when he opened she scuttled in behind him and he closed the door in my face. I couldn't think of anything to say to him, I was just in incredible shock. The 40ft to my front door was the longest walk I have ever taken, and maybe the hardest. I was devastated to think that he could just close that door on me, without any explanation, and that this was the way it was finishing.
I went to my room and said nothing to anyone. I guess that’s when somehow the denial set in. I did not contact him again for two months- I was giving him the time he had asked for, believing what he had said- that this was some way to ‘activate’ our relationship= stir it up, change it, make me jealous, whatever- I fixed my thoughts that this would pass and we would be that old couple sitting quietly together, contented at the end of our days. I went out drinking every night, my sister booked me a flight to London where I stayed for 3 weeks and then went on to Berlin for another week with friends I had got to know through him 5 years ago. (In fact I met up with an old ex of his from about 15 years ago who is a very strong woman, and who is great friends with his course coordinator, who had told her he hadn’t been showing up on his course, and that the girl he was sleeping with was a vamp - using her sexuality to gain help from the males in the class)
..Not that that helped- but I was thankful that she respected me enough to tell me such sensitive information.
I remember the flight home was when I broke down. It was all ok in a foreign city, with so many new distractions, but the thought of coming back to our street, where, if I walk into my living room I would have to avoid the window in case I spotted them coming in or leaving was just too much to think about. My amazing friend on the flight - I remember her saying- 'grace under pressure girl'- keep this in mind to keep your head above the water...be dignified in these coming weeks and you will reap respect among all your peers...
I went straight to my parents house for a couple of days, but I had to come back sometime, and when I eventually pulled up outside my house my breath began to quicken and I panicked, scanning the street and his house convinced I would see them. I didn't leave the house for 3 days. All my work had been put on hold and I was nearly out of cash, but this was very secondary to what I was going through. I had been eating very little and had lost a half stone in weight, even with the constant drinking I was practically down to skin and bone. (I think they have a new word for this- Drunkorexia- where you can’t eat because of the levels of alcohol in your system- apparently some women will take a shot of vodka to quell breakfast pangs!)
So the time had come to find some exit for myself, and I decided we needed to talk. I rang him and we arranged to meet for lunch on the following Monday (this is the first week in March at this stage) Lunch! The audacity of him to think I could sit in his company and stomach food!!! I met him in the cafe. He walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder- I jolted with the reality of seeing him and facing up to what I had to do. We grabbed a coffee and walked. I was prepared- I wanted to ask him all the difficult questions- and I was ready to hear the answers. I asked him if he was in love with her- he couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me- I asked him if he was in love with me- still no answer. I tried to give him a virtual knife to cut all the thousands of invisible silver threads that connected us- but- he wouldn't take it- or couldn’t see it! I resigned myself to the fact that I would not have closure that day. I cried, I begged him to give me some reasons- but all he could say was- 'you know that we didn’t have a great relationship, don’t you?' Again in disbelief I asked him why he was trying to convince me, 3 months after we had split up, that our relationship was not that great- I said well why didn’t you ever say something if that’s how you felt?? Why are you trying to make me believe something now, that I should have felt 6 months or 2 years ago??? I was not going to get anywhere, but inside I was just so happy to see him, and the conversation somehow moved on to telling each other stories of what we had been up to for the intervening two months. We found ourselves in an old pub that we used to go into, (under the guise of going in for something to eat) and I suggested that we have a drink! (Oh the fool I am!) I suppose I was so nervous, and I didn’t want to let him go until something was resolved, and that I thought I could coerce him to stay and hang out with me if we were having a drink together. This was 3pm and we easily fell into our old ways, really enjoying each others company. We made friends and joked with the old guys in the bar, and he postponed what he had to do for the afternoon, and we stayed and talked and laughed and I cried, he hung his head, and we laughed some more. The afternoon turned in to the evening and we went to a few of our old haunts, somehow managing to avoid anyone we knew. By 9pm we were sitting together in a lively old bar and, without my prompting him, he declared that he would 'cool it' with this girl. I couldn’t believe my ears, and I got him to repeat it. He did. I didn't know what to think- but I took this as a sign that he valued our relationship, and that my pain at seeing him with someone else superseded his relationship with her. We left and made our way home. He came into my house, much to the horror of my housemate, and I gave him back a suit that was there, and he said that we shouldn’t spend the night together that it would be just 'too weird'. I fell straight asleep- little wonder really considering I was pretty drunk- but it was a safe kind of sleep, I felt everything was wonderful with the world. I woke up to see the dawn just breaking, I lay in my bed transfixed by the sky as it got brighter, as though this was the first day I had ever witnessed. I let my love for him wash over me and fill me up, and I can tell you I have never felt such bliss. I wanted desperately to share this with him, and I hoped he was awake. I texted him to say that I felt like I was in a dream, but only he could tell me if it was real. I waited for a reply, but I felt safe and the sky was just becoming more and more beautiful.
The morning passed in a haze of happiness, I had appointments and the people I met were commenting on my spirit. I had dressed in pale blue, and I felt like I was the most beautiful girl ever to step out into the world. The afternoon came and went and there was no reply to my text. I was starting to feel anxious. I had texted him after lunch to meet up for a coffee when he was free, just to check in on all that was said the previous evening, but I had gotten no response. All the colour and light of the morning was starting to drain out of my body, but I was sure that I had shared a wonderful day with my boy yesterday, and that everything was ok. I slept soundly and dreamt of him that night.
The rest of the week passed and he took a call from me on the Friday night- I guessed he was busy with his work and trying to work out a diplomatic way of ending his relationship with this girl. We arranged to meet on the Saturday, but when it arrived he was busy. He postponed til the middle of the next week, but on the day of our date he cancelled saying he was really up against the wall with his schedule. 15 days passed before we set eyes on each other, and when I asked him tentatively in a round-about way, had he done what he said he would do, he denied that he had ever said that he would 'cool it' with her! He eventually conceded that he had in fact said that- but that I had misinterpreted what he had meant by it!!???!!
This fall was now turning out to be the worst one of all. I had allowed myself to be taken on an emotional roller coaster, and I was exhausted. I was empty and weak and I didn’t even have the energy to release tears.

How is this all sounding? – do you think I am the ultimate sucker?
There’s much more- but I will have continue tomorrow, I didn’t realise id written so much! x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 10:00pm

Welcome to the board arnica08,


Ok, I'm kind of confused..... he broke up with you, but probably cheated on you before the break up.