Thx god I finally get to here pls advice
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| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 6:13am |
Life is interesting isn't it? For the past six months I jumped here and there in the forum. I started off from the "long distance relationship", to "Is it Mean to be?" and finally got to here "Breaking up is Hard to Do".
I dated this guy for a year, then he moved back to his home state for good. We managed to keep our long distance relationship for 6 months, we visited each other like once in a month/2 months. We both just got out from college and we do not see in short that we'll be in the same city. However, we tried hard to keep the relationship and think positively. Things gone worse when he quit his previous job and was looking for a new one. He got all confused abt his future, with family issue and financial concerns.
2 weeks ago he broke up with me because he thinks he can not commit to a serious relationship for now because he's so confused about what he wants and he wants to be alone to figure out abt life. I was shocked coz our conversation was starting off abt talking over future but then he just changed the topic all the sudden. 2 nights after I called him again and asked if this is really what he decided. I also told him how much it upset me. He confirmed to me that this is what he wants and he said he still wants me to be in his life as his best friend. I also asked him if he is my bestfriend what would he recommend me to do at this point. He said "move on". I was heartbroken. It took me few days to really accept the fact that we're over and I tried to respect with his decision. He still called me and talked to me like normal.
However just right after a frd in between revealed to me that he actually was liking this girl in highschool and found her very attractive. My world was upside down. I do not know the time line he started hitting on this girl, was it before we break up or right after? Either way I felt like he somehow betrayed me. I then stopped taking his phone calls for 3 days till one night - I was sleeping, I picked up his call without knowing it, when I realized it I'm already on the phone with him (crazy isn't it). So he asked me why I didn't talk to him, I said we broke up, he then said he can't let go of me, he still loves me and how much he misses me. I said I knew you were hitting on young girls, he kept denying it and said if he wants to be with a new girl he would, but instead he calls me becoz he still loves me. I then said I have to go to bed and cut him off.
2 days after he texted me and said his grandma is dying and he needs my support. So I called him and talked to him to make him feel better. Since then he kept telling me he still loves me and he concerned if I'm seeing new people. The more I talk to him the more I feel indulge with him and confused with the whole situation.
Today finally I asked him what's going on with us, he said we're taking a break. A stress-free break till he got settle with his life then he'll want to commit to me again. I asked if I'm still his gf, he said "more or less, yes". I was shock, he just broke up with me like 2 weeks ago, my heart was broken and now he is telling me we're actually in a break?! But he still doesn't want me back till he "figures out his life". I told him a break would not work for me becoz I don't like things in between, but then he said "think about it". I said "then would you just stop calling me?" He was like "No, I can't stop calling you becoz i still love you".
Now I totally understand why "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do", coz you're not determined enough to leave someone when your heart still in love with this person. My friend said he is so selfish, I feel so too, but I don't know what to do for now. He said he still needs my supports so much becoz of his grandma's bad health, I don't want to ignore him but at the same time this situation makes me feel like he's taking me for granted and thinks I'll not leave him even he treats me unfairly.
Please I really hope someone can tell me what I should do.....:(

Hello
So sorry about your situation. I have just been through similar with my husband of 22yrs. He left saying he needed space blah blah and I was devastated. It was the not knowing if this was really it or was he coming back that did me in. I tried all the no contact/being strong but in the end just collasped. Fortunately this did force the issue and he has come back to my great joy. everyone's situation is different but get strength from this board and make sure you know that you do want him back - I weighed up everything about him - will I be happy - men are strange for sure, and it is so unfair on us. Only you know if forcing the issue at this time is the right thing to do - maybe like me you won't be able to stop yourself but then you'd know either way and can move on.
Best of luck - really hopeit works out for you.
Helen xx
Welcome to the board cotton_cotton,.
He tells you he wants to be 'best friends', but move on and support me with my grandma, I love you BUT....I'm
Thank you Carrie and Helen for your reply. I actually do see that he's being selfish and not really considerate. I do not understand if he keeps saying me he loves me why won't he want to be with me. My friend said he just wants me when he needs me, but all other troubles involved in relationship issue he doesn't want to deal with it.
I had a very good relationship with his family and I also feel sad with his grandma's bad health. I don't know if it is the right moment to ignore or stop talking to him and move on.
You have a wise friend.
It's obvious, at least to your friend and I and to you I hope, that you're convenient. He gets all the perks of a relationship and doesn't have to deal with all the nasty stuff like being there when you need him. This guys should give lessons.
Secondly, the minute he broke up with you was the minute you started to have every right to say "I'm sorry your grandmother is sick, but you need to move on and find someone else to lean on because WE BROKE UP TWO WEEKS AGO REMEMBER?" And just to stress the point, a 'maybe' girlfriend is not a girlfriend. It's a Friends With Benefits until such time as another girl comes along. I think you deserve better than that. Don't you?
Stop talking to him. Stop contacting him. If he comes back with his 'want to be best friends/part time girlfriend', tell him you'll keep his resume on file and let him know when the position opens up. Seriously. Do best friends lead each other one? Do they destroy your trust with a break up? Do they use you at their convenience and intentionally hurt you but dating other girls? Do they not realize your worth or fail to treat you with the respect that I know you deserve? Do they lie? No? I think he just failed the best friends test.
Be strong! Break off the contact and in a month or so, when you get a sense of perspective, you'll look back and be proud of yourself for standing up for your own self worth.
All the best,
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.