need some help tonight
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| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 7:06pm |
Hi there,
I'm writing to ask others what to do with this right now. My boyfriend of a year and a half is moving out. It's a mutual and very amicable decision. There's a story to this (isn't there always?)...I was married for 7 years and met my current bf as the marriage was ending. We were very close friends for awhile, and he became this beautiful, soulful confidante on whom I leaned as my marriage pulled apart. The ending of the marriage was my decision because I needed to have a life of my own. I was very young when I was married and never had the chance to live for myself. I left for that reason. As soon as the pain of loneliness set in, my friend turned into more. We quickly became serious and I sort of lost myself in this new relationship. The relationship has been riddled with my angst about truly needing to be alone, and being so torn by my love for this man. If I were to meet him at a different point in my life, almost everything about him is what I want, but couldn't get in my marriage - deep soul connection, incredible physical fulfillment, emotional and intellectual stimulation. But I'm just not ready for it.
He finally...finally...realized this the other night. He called me (he's out of town) and calmly and so lovingly told me that he knows that there's no fighting this anymore - that I must claim this time for myself alone and that no matter how much he loves me, it won't give me the room I need to grow in myself. I sat there and wept so sorrowfully. I needed to hear him say these words for so long. I have tried time and time again to break this up, blaming silly issues that are easily remedied in a healthy relationship. All the while, I knew this truth was lurking...I have some work to do on my own that doesn't involve any man. He sees this now. We both cried and felt so safe and understood. There is no more confusion. He promised to be out as soon as he can. He works out of town so he may be here a few more weekends before he's gone.
In the meantime, I'm so terrified. I feel deep, deep sadness and aimlessness at what to do with myself. So I'm supposed to be alone now. I only know myself in a relationship, in relation to another person. I have friends that live 3 hours from here. (we moved here away from my home town only 4 months ago) I'm starting an exciting career in massage therapy. I live in a town that is so outdoor-friendly. And yet I feel totally uncomfortable and unsure of how to proceed.
My question is this...what are some ideas to get me through the initial pangs of this? I realize that the solitude may become something I love after awhile. But this sucks! He's coming home for the weekend tomorrow evening and I'm sure it will be emotional. At least now I know that it's for real. He's quite a bit older than me - 14 years - and really knows that this is what I need. But I am having a hard time even concentrating and making a "backup" plan for those nights when I want to crawl out of my skin. I can feel depression just knocking at my door. I have anxiety anyway (unmedicated) and am seeing a therapist on a regular basis.
The hardest part is saying goodbye when I love him so much. He says his dream is that one day we'll be ready for this to work. I think that's a beautiful dream, but I also realize that life moves on. I may not want then what he has to offer me. He will likely move out of state within the year. Who knows....ya know? There's so much out there for me and all I can see is two feet in front of me. Pain and sadness and loneliness.
So some solid ideas would be great. My therapist has lovingly forbid me from reading any self-help books for 6 months. She says I need to just love where I'm at and stop trying to force growth. Wait till she hears about this development...the real work is just beginning.
Anyway, thank you for any replies and for reading this far! I know it's long. I'd love to meet some other women who are experiencing similar things. Maybe an online friend or two would do me some good.
Have a swwet evening and thanks again.
izzy

Izzy, I'm really glad I found your post. I'm going through a similar situation, only it's my boyfriend who's not ready for our relationship. I had to let him go. I've tried to do it lovingly, but it's hard because he did something that really upset me (see my post from tonight).
I have had quite a few relationships end now, at this stage in my life. I don't think you ever get over the pain or the loss. Being alone is hard. I've done it, and it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I can relate to the anxiety you feel. Been there, done that.
What I've tried to do is occupy myself...do things I enjoy...reading, taking classes. If you take some recreational classes, you might end up meeting people. There are also "Meetup" groups--check out the meetup.com website and see if there are any people getting together to discuss a topic that you're interested in. That's a great way to meet people.
I hope that maybe at some point, my boyfriend will get tired of the partying lifestyle and want to be with me. But we have a big age difference too, like you and your bf. So I foresee us moving on more than anything else.
If you ever want to email, let me know. I'd be happy to exchange email addresses.