What to do now
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What to do now
| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 7:15pm |
So I have read and reread all the posts, and have realized that I need to start No contact.
My Ex and I broke up 2 months ago, and naturally it was unexpected.

I'm glad you are starting NC. I think the whole point is not to worry about when you can make contact or when you can get "it" back because as long as you have hope, even if it is a hope for a non-romantic type of relationship, you will never heal. A breakup is like a death. You have to go through the mourning phases. You can't grieve for what you still treat as still alive in your heart.
Hope you feel better. Things WILL get better. I know it sounds cliche but it's true. I'm still trying to work through my issues but am better than where I was 2 months ago.
'it' as in the relationship? Step 1 - let go of it.
And I'm very serious. You hear that quote about "if you love something, let it go?". It's completely cliche but completely true. If you're still waiting for 'it' to come back, you aren't really moving on. You're just running around in circles at the same place in an illusion of moving on.
Take 3 months off then come back for re-assessment. I mean 3 months of NC. It will hopefully give you the perspective to see the relationship in a different light. And if you think it's long, I think there was a girl here who was on 3 years of NC.
And have people ever gotten back together? Definitely. But, as blunt as this sounds, none of that should be your concern. Your concern should be moving to a point where getting back together no longer crosses your mind. That is the end of NC, be it 2 months or 20 months from now.
All the best.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
My advice is to start with a boundary of at least 3 months no contact (the last couple times, I've set 4 months as my boundary, just to be safe). After that, I just knew when I was ready. I knew because I no longer felt the tug.
Be strong!
Claudia
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Well, I didn't forsee us breaking up. Though I thought about it, and mentioned that things were really getting rough, he would always just start to cry and get emotional, etc. He really was the 'feminine one' with all of the feelings. I work in the Auto business, and I have a lot of male clients whom have my cell phone number. He HATED this with a passion. He even went as far as accusing me of "Emotionally Cheating" on him when I was talking to a client... He ended up apologizing after his therapist told him that this wasn't the case. See, mine is a graduate student in the psychology program... I bet you can draw your own conclusions.
The breakup was so weird... He knew I was THINKING about our options... and 2 days before he wrote me a lovely card about how we wouldnt be as strong as we are today without our struggles. Then, 2 days later, our conversation started as it usually does via gmail, as I am so busy in work that I cannot take phone calls; and then it ended with him saying that he wanted to break up.
I of course thought he was kidding; he always says we should break up, but then we talk and we're fine. He's just over emotional. But he did the opposite this time, he stuck to his guns, and turned into a cold ass on me. Told me he didnt want me in his life, and that we just needed to exchange our things and move on. That was 11 days ago...
I really didnt see it coming, but as I get further along, I think I wanted this breakup too. But I never really allowed myself to move past the idea of it...I would always convince myself that everything is fine, and maybe I just needed to try harder... much like women in abusive relationships do.
But the fact that HE didnt trust ME was so baffling. I mean, no, I didnt call him at every waking moment, but I never once gave him any reason NOT to trust me. He had some pre-existing trust issues from before me. He just started uncovering them with his therapist... I know I was the one who he told most of these things to, and I was the first one he discussed these things with. I think as much as he claimed "We drifted apart" as his reason for breaking up, I seem to think its the opposite. HE got too close; We were too much in love, and he felt threatened and in danger that he was going to be hurt. So, he dumped me, before I dumped him.
Of course I've tried to stop thinking about the whys, but its still hard. Sometimes I just want to call him and say "Andrew, lets just work this out..." I do love and care for him, but the truth is is that I cant have the kind of relationship that I want with him because he is who he is...
Sorry for the ramble...its nice to talk to someone who actually has a similar issue that I had... Its so rare for the man to be the untrusting one..at least from my experience.
Trust me, I know how hard it is to try to convince someone that you can be trusted.
I always thought I had successfully talked mine through it, but then it would fall back again.
I got the "Situation" scenario too! Too weird. I mean, shouldnt you TRUST that I would make the RIGHT decision in the situation?
I didnt beg mine back when he said he needed space, I asked if he was sure this was what he wanted, and he said "Let's just swap stuff..." so he went completely cold on me, uncaring, etc. A few days later he sent me a message saying "Oh, I don't want you to think that I do not care, it's just that I felt that too much contact would make this too hard." I didn't say anything back. I wanted to, but I enjoy counting my days... 12 days of break, 9 days of NC :)