Why does the right thing hurt so much???
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| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 11:01pm |
I just broke up with my boyfriend last night. Last night, I was angry. Tonight, I'm just hurt and confused.
We had been together about 8 months. We have a big age gap (I've posted on the May-December board before.) Throughout that time, we'd had conflict, but we were both working really hard to make things work. Quite a few months ago, I'd had a party at my house and invited a girl I didn't know well. She ended up inviting a bunch of guys I didn't know at all. They latched onto my bf and after they left, he was acting kind of weird, like he was either drunk or on drugs. When we went to bed, he admitted to me that he had "done blow" with them. Of course, there are so many reasons why I was upset over that. The next day, we talked at length about what happened. I made it amply clear that I didn't approve of "doing blow" and I couldn't date someone who would take such a destructive drug. By the end of the conversation, I thought he understood where I stood. He had been afraid of losing me the night before, and he was willing to give it up.
Well, yesterday, after much prodding when my bf was acting weird, I got a confession out of him that he had done blow again the previous night. Because I had told him this was a dealbreaker, and because I just can't tolerate that behavior, I had no choice but to end things. When I removed his stuff from my house and brought it to him, I asked him if this had been a recurring thing--was he doing coke often? He said he had done it once before w/out me knowing. So, not only was he doing what i had specifically said I could not tolerate, but he was hiding the behavior from me. You know, trust your gut. My gut had been telling me for a while that he was hiding something--I just didn't know what it was.
The last couple of days, my feelings have run the gamut. At first I was incredibly angry. Now I've softened into confusion, wondering how he could have made me such a low priority (and himself!) that he would jeopardize our entire relationship for a fleeting high.
I'm sure a lot of you people out there who don't know him will say things like you're better off without him, etc. because this kind of behavior bespeaks a bad character. But he has so many wonderful qualities, and I do love him. The loss is crushing. But i know deep in my heart I'm doing the right thing, for many reasons. He is troubled, so he's turning to drugs. I know what his issues and problems are. I've always been here for him, to help him work them out. He's choosing to forego help from me and instead escape into his partying. I can't accept that. I can't help him, without his help.
So, back to the original subject header--why, if I know I'm doing the right thing, do I feel so confused?

I just wanted to write and say that I totally understand what you are going through.
Thank you, thank you so much for your reply. I'm bawling my eyes out...tears dripping all over the keyboard, because I so know where you're at and it's so comforting to feel understood.
I, too, have been questioning myself...am I doing the right thing? I'm 40...I've been in longterm relationships, including a marriage, that ended, and the pain of each loss never gets better. It's like rocks piling on top of each other at the bottom of a lake. And every new loss just re-animates the earlier losses. As I'm struggling with my thoughts of how much I will miss him, I'm also thinking about how much I miss my ex-husband, and how I never got over my divorce. I don't know if I can handle another breakup in my life!
And I know how much I will miss him. I will miss all the wonderful, sweet things about him.
But my best friend said it best, when I was asking her, as I keep asking myself...why would he do this? Why couldn't he just STOP using the drug??? Was I that unimportant to him?? And didn't he know that I was always here for him...I would have done anything...moved mountains and heavens to help him with the problems that are making him turn to this crap.
She said to me pointedly, do you think your bf would be willing to do all that for you? And don't you think you deserve to be with someone who would?
I think that said it all.
Just like your guy, mine is not ready for a serious, adult, give and take relationship. Maybe some day he will be, and like you, I told him that...that I don't close the door to it, if sometime down the road he gets tired of the partying and self-destructive behavior.
You may have done the best thing for him. Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they will get help. They have to lose everything and everyone they love. I know this because an ex-bf was an alcoholic, and I used to go to AA meetings with him. I heard time and time again, stories of people who could not get sober until they were abandoned by all their friends and family. And that day does come, because like me, they get tired of extending a helping hand that's constantly ignored.
So, while it hurts more than you can ever imagine, there could be a good outcome in the end for him--hopefully he can get help.
If you ever want to exchange emails, I'd be happy to write you :-)
Thanks again for your post.
The way I look at, all choices hurt, including the choice to stay. What I look for, then, is the choice that comes from a place of strength, that is about taking care of myself and promoting positive growth in myself. It sounds like you are doing just that.
*hugs*
Hang in there,
Claudia
It hurts so much because he's not all bad.
Thanks, Sheri. My bf and I chatted online today, and once again, he denied being addicted. He was forced into AA and NA and MA, or so he says, at an early age (14). He said that he learned from this experience that addicts are "weak pathetic carbon-based life forms." And that's not him-he's not weak. He thinks he is able to just dabble in drugs and walk away.
I gave him one last chance to give up the blow and be with me. He said he can't do it-he can't promise me that he won't do it in the future. 2 years down the road, he might be hanging out with friends, and decide to do a line or two. So, I said, you're trading away our relationship for your future ability to do coke? He doesn't look at it that way. He thinks he loves me. He thinks, that he DOES place a priority on the relationship. But actions speak louder than words, don't they?
I'm not asking him to give up anything else, just this--something that's harmful and destructive to him. And he can't do it.
I just don't understand. I think I never will.
That is one of the things I had a hard time with through all my ups and downs with my ex. I just do not understand needing something so badly that he will risk his relationships, his job, his life, just to take a drink. I don't get it. But I know now that I never will, like you said, no one who does not have addictions can understand it. I asked him why one time and he didn't even know the answer, "I don't know, Megan. I don't know why I thought I should by a smally bottle of vodka instead of a beer, I don't know why I thought I could handle it, I don't know why I thought you wouldn't be able to tell". Addiction is a baffling, baffling disease.