Isn't a break a break-up?
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Isn't a break a break-up?
| Fri, 04-11-2008 - 12:10pm |
Ok, here's my situation.
My guy and I have been together for almost 2 years. I always joked that he was the 'girl' in the relationship...kinda needy, liked attention, he'd always surprise me with visits, was always talking about the rest of our lives together, etc. Where as I was the distant one, I'd forget to call him, I was always busy with life in general and he was pretty much on the back burner. But he was ok with my 'busy life.'
Add to that it was a long distance thing. We both knew that in 2 years time, I'd be in the same city as him as that is where my job is putting me (which is now 3 months away).
About 6 months ago the relationship took a turn. I became even more busy and paid even less attention to him.
Plus, at one point I (and I love his children dearly), had a bad day and yelled at his young children. He hasn't gotten over it. I'm always late and/or never made enough of an effort to make time to see him.
He says he gave, gave, gave and received nothing in return.
I loved this man with all of my heart, I was honestly busy with work, etc., and knew that we'd be together in the end(or thought that we would be).
Now he has finally told me that he loves me, but he has lost some feelings and respect. He said he needs time.
Time. We're hardly together, how will time solve this problem.
He said he thought he'd get over feeling 'pushed away' for so long but he is having a difficult time with that. That and my freak out session on his children that one time.
I've cried, I've went out and surprised him but I think it's too late.
I'm going to give him the time & not call him I guess but how will that change this?
Advice?
My guy and I have been together for almost 2 years. I always joked that he was the 'girl' in the relationship...kinda needy, liked attention, he'd always surprise me with visits, was always talking about the rest of our lives together, etc. Where as I was the distant one, I'd forget to call him, I was always busy with life in general and he was pretty much on the back burner. But he was ok with my 'busy life.'
Add to that it was a long distance thing. We both knew that in 2 years time, I'd be in the same city as him as that is where my job is putting me (which is now 3 months away).
About 6 months ago the relationship took a turn. I became even more busy and paid even less attention to him.
Plus, at one point I (and I love his children dearly), had a bad day and yelled at his young children. He hasn't gotten over it. I'm always late and/or never made enough of an effort to make time to see him.
He says he gave, gave, gave and received nothing in return.
I loved this man with all of my heart, I was honestly busy with work, etc., and knew that we'd be together in the end(or thought that we would be).
Now he has finally told me that he loves me, but he has lost some feelings and respect. He said he needs time.
Time. We're hardly together, how will time solve this problem.
He said he thought he'd get over feeling 'pushed away' for so long but he is having a difficult time with that. That and my freak out session on his children that one time.
I've cried, I've went out and surprised him but I think it's too late.
I'm going to give him the time & not call him I guess but how will that change this?
Advice?

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Welcome to the board advicegal77,
Read this from the Resource Section - When he asks for space (aka, "a break")
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1
Sorry you are going through this.
Hi advicegal.
Thank you so much for your replies.
I feel terrible. I feel terrible for the way I've treated him and I feel terrible right now.
In this time what am I supposed to be doing? I know I've messed up. He says to me, "why does it take this for you to realize?" Because sometimes it takes something detrimental to understand and see clearly. I was treated poorly in my other relationships, so poorly that this time around I think I had my guard up and didn't want to let him into my heart. Even though he was there already.
He is thinking about "the rest of his life" and after his failed previous marriage said to himself, when the answer to "do I see myself getting old with this person?" is no, then he'll discontinue seeing whomever.
Now, I've said to him, "are we closing this chapter and moving on?"
He says he still loves me and doesn't want to completely close the chapter. I questioned his motives, i.e. sleeping with other women, dating other women. He says no repeatedly.
He said that if he didn't want to be with me (at some point), then he'd flat out tell me, I don't want to be with you, I don't love you. He says thats not it.
I told him that I gave someone the "I need time" routine in the past when I wanted to let them down gently, then I figured the time would eventually pass and by then he'd have moved on.
He says that's not what he's trying to do.
Anyways, I have so much work to do right now and I can't focus and I'm not meeting my deadlines. I miss him so much. I can't stop crying and thinking about him. For almost two years we spoke every single day, now nothing.
That being said, in the meantime, what do I do? No contact?
Because no contact was the intial problem on my part.
Yet, he 'needs time.'
Further to my last post.
I just found out something that I really needed to know anyways and I thought I'd share with you.
Just a little while ago I let a friend of mine know that we had broken up, she says to me that she's been meaning to tell me something for a long time but didn't know how to go about it.
Turns out they were talking on msn around time of a surprise birthday that he threw for me, and he was asking her if she'd ever cheat on her husband, etc.
Well, something in my heart did a complete nosedive (yesterday I was crying and asking for another chance)...today (after that), it pretty much summed up all I needed to figure out about him.
He clearly didn't care about me then, and he obviously doesn't care enough about me now to "work on it."
His needing space is all b.s.
I am so upset right now that I could just scream.
About an hour ago I left a message on his cell telling him that "you were hitting on so-and-so after my party, you make me sick, I can't believe I trusted you, obviously you didn't care about me then and you clearly don't care about me now, have a nice effing(but the actual word) life. *slam*
Do I feel better? Yes. But, now this will just confirm his whole outlook of "can I see myself growing old with this person? no" b.s.
Well so be it. When someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. When they don't they get out of it.
Do I want to be with someone for the rest of my life that asks other women questions like that, then follows through when they actually say "yes, I would cheat on my husband"?
No thank you.
Anyone out there agree with me or think I over reacted? Everyone I speak to thinks he has something else going on...i.e. another woman, otherwise if someone is crying and wants to work on something that involves their children, etc., would they not stay?
I see I'm going to need to tread very carefully here.
What he asked her is, taken out of context, outrageous. I agree with you on that. HOWEVER, don't for one second think that it absolves you of neglecting him, ignoring him, and basically by your own admission taking your relationship with him for granted. One thing definitely leads to the other, just take a look on the marriage boards and see how many spouses are neglected and finding no other recourse, seek comfort outside them. I'm not saying that's right, but it does happen. How do I know? Well, because my marriage fell apart after nine years because my husband cheated on me. This was after a few years of me thinking he'd "always be there no matter what," no matter how many hours I worked, no matter how long I left him alone. In a perfect world, no one would cheat on each other under any circumstance. However, in a perfect world, each partner would fully immerse and give of themselves in a healthy and loving relationship. But we don't live in a perfect world.
A man of character would not ask his girlfriend's friend that kind of question or flirt with her behind his girlfriend's back for sure. A man who was getting what he needed from his relationship probably wouldn't go looking outside it, though.
Basically, we bring into our lives exactly what we fear the most-- in your case, that is a man who will let you down eventually. That's your biggest fear, and to "protect" yourself from it, you closed off all parts of you to him, even the good ones. By closing yourself off to him and not opening yourself fully to what could have been in this relationship, you did not fully allow the feelings and commitment between you to blossom and strengthen. Do you think that serves you well in your quest for love? I don't think this could have played itself out any different. You didn't pay attention to him, he didn't speak up about it, and when he felt lonely and unappreciated it seems he took a step outside. I'm sorry this happened, at the same time, given the full set of circumstances, I'm not all that surprised.
I hope you use this time to really seek within yourself some peace and understanding from this whole thing. I hope you use the time to look at how your actions are incongruent with what you claim to want in your personal life. I hope you know that it's not your fault that this happened, but that you did have a part in what did happen. How could it be otherwise? I mean, it IS your life after all, so how do you want it to look? And oh by the way, what are you doing today make your life look EXACTLY the way you want it to? Your life isn't coming later, it's already here.
Best of luck,
Wow.
Thank you.
That was the best thing I've ever read before in my life.
I hope you are a paid writer, because if not, you would make a very good living at it.
You are absolutely right about everything and I am sorry to read about what happened in your case.
He called me back and said that he saved all of "her" messages so that "if" the day ever came that he'd show me what she said to him. According to him, it was her inviting him to her home (while her husband was out) and her making suggestions.
According to him, he deleted her and blocked her from his contact info shortly after her come ons.
Why would he not tell me about this sooner? She said she didn't want to tell me sooner because she didn't know how to put it, apparantly her husband knows as well.
My guy did say to me, "Why would I cheat on you, you gave me everything (intimately) that I could ever ask for, we had the best intimacy that I've ever had, also, why would I (if I were to, which I wouldn't) choose someone you know to have an affair with."
He's always been against cheaters, he has said it hundreds of times...his father cheated on his mother and they divorced.
I'm confused and I literally feel sick.
So now he goes from "needing a break" to this, and now he won't stop contacting me.
This woman acted as my friend.
I completely understand what you're saying about the attention thing. How if you always assume that they'll be there even when you don't make the time...then it's a natural occurance to look elsewhere. I never thought of it like that.
You hit the nail right on the head about how I feared what would eventually happen.
Thank you so much, I needed that.
i think your situation is different than some....
You have to give him the space.
This entire thing is killing me right now.
I feel like I am going insane.
Last night at 3am he calls me, "I'm thinking about you" (we live 2 hours apart so he wasn't looking for a booty call.)
He sent the same text message to my email.
It was 3am and I was half asleep, so I replied "thank you"... what the hell else was I supposed to say? I love you, thank you for calling me when you're drunk?
I am so pissed off right now.
So I call him this morning at 11:30am, surprise, surprise, no answer.
I send him a text saying I'll be out for the day.
It's now 10:05pm at night, no phone call back, no email, nothing.
How can a man take a break from a woman if he freaking loves her?
How?
I love this man and want to be with him, I can't do this break crap. I can't. It is absolutely killing me picturing him meeting other women, etc.
Can someone please give me some advice, please? Before I do something really stupid like leave an I love you message on his cell phone.
Ok this is it.
I am quitting this person cold turkey.
I will not send him another message.
Nor will I hide my phone number and call him.
I will attempt to make myself busy to try and forget about him.
I honestly think, that if someone wants a break...they don't care enough to be with you.
He was the neediest person I ever met, ever. Always asking me, Do you love me? Do you want to be with me?
To which, I'd always reply with, yes, of course I love you.
I can't breathe right now and I am sick of crying over this man. Sick of it.
I need to move on with my life.
If he can forget everything good that we had, well then so be it.
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