do i break no contact?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
do i break no contact?
3
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 10:23pm
hi everyone.
i have posted on here before, but long story short, here goes:
my ex and i officially broke up about 2 months ago. he was the one to break it off, and dealing with that has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i am still not over him yet and still fantasize about getting back together with him, even though he's said he's not in love with me anymore. i cry about it everyday and everynight. we also have a 10 month old baby together. since the breakup, i have had no contact with him (it's been so hard) and have only dealt with his father when it came to matters of the baby, and i have been fine with this.
just tonight, his father said that S (my ex) will be calling me soon to talk about seeing the baby more and about daycare. i am not ready to talk to him yet. i feel like if i have to see/hear/talk to him, it'll set back my "progress" of getting over him by a hundred years. if i had it my way, i'd rather not talk/see him for the rest of my life, but know that realistically, this is not best for baby. how do i get over this feeling? i know i am definately not ready to talk to him, so do i just continue NC until i'm ready? is there anything that says i HAVE to talk to him?
please help.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 2:28pm

Hi paradisochick,


Realistically, since you have a child together, you will eventually have to break No Contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 4:38pm
{{{Hugs}}} A break-up is hard enough without there being a baby involved. My (ex)husband and I split 4 years ago, when our child was 2yo. Healing took a very long time because we had to contact each other A LOT about our child. In settling visitation, etc, though, we met with the county mediator. It's a free service provided by the county where I live. She met with us and drew up a legal visitation, which was signed by a judge. I think the two of you need something legal regarding custody, regardless of whether you were married or not. Also, having the contact in such a formal way, from a trained mediator, makes it much less personal and much less detrimental to the healing process. You may want to check into it by calling local child services, or seeing if you can get a consultation with an attorney. (Often initial consultations are free or reduced fee.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 6:16pm
thank you carrie and luna1940,
your advice and thoughtful words have been helpful. it's just so difficult. i know we will have to eventually be able to discuss baby issues with one another, but at the moment, it just seems so impossible. we didn't end on very good terms. i feel like if he does call, i'm going to end up pleading and crying to him about why he doesn't want me anymore etc. i really do not want that to happen. the break-up seems so recent and yet so long ago.
also, i know this is stupid, but i dont really want him taking the baby more. i've really clung to the fact that i have a baby to take care of and it keeps me busy enough as it is, and so i don't allow myself to think/deal with the breakup because it's so hard. when baby is gone, i don't know what to do with myself. i am a blob. people have been saying to just keep yourself busy, find a hobby, but i find myself immobile and planted in front of the television when baby is with his dad. and they want to take him more often? the thought just kills me. the thought of having to even split custody of my child is heartbreaking.
i did think about mediation or settling custody/support issues through the courts, but just don't know if i could do that to him. he is a wonderful person, and has said he would never take me to court because he still cares about me very much. so i don't know if i would be able to live with myself if i did that to him. plus, i think if i did take him to court, that would be final end to our relationship, even though it has ended already. isn't that crazy? just accepting the fact that it's over is extremely difficult. i still have feelings for this guy, and they say that you can't fully be friends with your ex if you still want them back. the very idea that he still start dating again makes me sick.
his father has been a great help and understanding, but he has said too that he can't be the one to do pick up and drop offs forever, that we'd have to get to a place where we are able to have a conversation again, soon enough. logically, i know this, but my heart says that i am not ready to talk to him yet! i don't know if i ever will be.
how do i overcome this? i don't know what else to do. this morning i turned the answering machine off in the case he did call. i wouldn't have answered and he wouldn't have been able to leave a message. i could've pretended he never called. i know i will have to talk to him eventually, but i really feel now is not the time to break no contact.
help, please :(
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