still...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
still...
4
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 11:30pm

i haven't posted in months because i felt like i was letting myself wallow, but i just need to let it out tonight. it's been 8 months, and it's still there. i still love him, i still miss him. i've gotten so much better at living my OWN life, being happy by myself. knowing i can't have him back, i'm okay with my life at this point.

but at the same time, i feel like this hurt won't ever really heal. like even when i fall in love again, i'll still want him back. what we had wasn't perfect, but i was never, ever unhappy with him. our relationship was the most fulfilling one i've had, including those with my own parents and best friends. he still knows me better than anyone.

i'm lonely. i want to fill that hole and for now at least, i know i can't. when that feeling hits the worst, it's immobilizing...i can't believe that i want to sleep with other people, guys i don't even know, just because i want that security for just a second. i know it wouldn't compare, i know i would feel like crap afterwards, but sometimes i just want to feel someone's arms around me and pretend that it's him. it's turning me into a person i don't like in that respect; even though i think i've improved myself in the past eight months, i feel like i'm turning into a slut...for what?

i stopped looking at this board because it felt like a crutch. but i'm sitting in front of my computer crying right now because i'm just so, so lonely and i just want to talk to someone i love and trust completely. so maybe i need that crutch right now. i just need not to feel so alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
In reply to: beg88
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 2:33am

its very understandable how you feel. even if its been 8 months. i know

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
In reply to: beg88
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 5:07am

i think that is the worst. imagining your ex with someone else when you are alone or wanting to just be with ANYONE instead of being alone. i had a bit of a "fling" with a friend of a friend last night and of course, he pulled the nice guy act and we were both drunk and he told me to call him and blah blah, but i just gave him the time of day because it was better than being alone. then i even thought "yay a rebound". the second i went home i felt stupid for even giving it a shot. i feel bad because i think i might have just used him as a crutch as well or he might have used me as a crutch (because he is still hurt over his fiance dumping him). now i kind of feel rejected a second time, so close after the break up because deep down i know he wont call. its so ridiculous!

i feel so bad, i didnt even want to kiss him, and... i didnt, i actually felt guilty that i was with another guy, but a little triumphant that i was attracted to another person. i just feel like a vulnerable idiot. im trying to have fun and just meet people with nothing serious but now im more bummed out than i was in the first place. i forgot how hard dating is, and meeting people is.. i havent done it in so long, its scary. and im NOT ready. i try so hard to be single but it just doesnt feel right, which means i know i shouldnt throw myself out there as soon as im feeling okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: beg88
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 2:28pm

The whole time I was reading your post, I kept telling myself, "If only she knew how she was bringing much of this herself." Let me show you what can happen just by changing a few words around (I hope plenty of people read this because this is what happens most of all on this board):

....."i still love him, i still miss him. i've gotten so much better at living my OWN life, being happy by myself. ".....

....." have him back , i'm okay with my life at this point".....

....."[] i feel like this hurt really heal .".....

....."like even when i fall in love again, [] i may miss that sometimes.".....

....."what we had wasn't perfect, but i was never, ever unhappy with him .".....

....."our relationship was the most fulfilling one i've had , including those with my own parents and best friends. he still knows me better than anyone".....

....."i lonely . i want to fill that hole and for now at least, i know .".....

....."when that feeling hits the worst, it's immobilizing...".....

....."i can't believe that i want to sleep with other people, guys i don't even know, just because i want that security for just a second. ".....

....."i know wouldn't compare , i know i would feel like crap afterwards, but sometimes i just want to feel someone's arms around me [].".....

....." turning me into a person i don't like in that respect;".....

....."[]i think i've improved myself in the past eight months []".....

....."i stopped looking at this board because it felt like a crutch. ".....

....."but i'm sitting in front of my computer crying right now because i'm just so, so lonely and i just want to talk to someone i love and trust completely. so maybe i need that crutch right now. i just not to feel so alonne.".....

Okay, it may seem like I just rearranged words, but here's the thing-- we listen to ourselves. We listen to ourselves more than anyone else. Why? Cause we each secretly feel we know better than anyone, that's why ;-)

The tricky part comes in because we tend to listen to the bad more than the good for whatever reason. It's a leap of faith, but you and pretty much everyone else reading this need to start talking to yourselves a little nicer, a little less self-critical and judgmental, mostly. When you stop smacking yourselves around, you'll start to feel a little bit better and then the healing will take place a lot quicker and more deeply.

It IS a conscious effort at first, but if you just consciously keep doing it especially when you don't want to, eventually, just like talking badly to yourself has become so natural you don't even recognize it, speaking well and kindly to yourself will also become second nature.

Oh, and no, our feelings don't come about because of things that happen in our lives. Our feelings, good and bad, come about because of what we TELL OURSELVES about those things.

Good luck to you and all,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: beg88
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 9:22pm

Sandra,

I was having a moment this evening, in which I was missing the ex a whole lot. I tried focusing on the fact that he is a good guy, JUST NOT FOR ME, idea, but it didnt work for me tonight, but reading your reply did the trick. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had a LITTLE bit of a backslide into destructive thoughts, I focused more on the idea of how far I've come, and that I'm focusing on me, and the hot mama I can be :D

Thanks.