How do I stop thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
How do I stop thinking?
5
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 7:12pm

Hi all. I was recently broken up with by my boyfriend of 4 years. We are 24 years old, both with solid careers and myself with a relatively stable life. We were having no relationship problems other than the fact that we began a long distant relationship a year ago (he entered the military to ensure that our life together would be good.) We had a very strong relationship going in and it remained strong throughout the last year. So, this break-up came as a complete shock to me, and I was very much in love.

He had no answers as to why, just said he wanted to. He said he was absolutely still in love with me a week ago, and there is and was no one else (and I believe him). I think it was because of influence/pressure from his new friends in the military pushing him to be single and live a young independent, partying lifestyle... which he has never lived before.

Whatever the reason, this is extremely difficult for me. I adopted the stance of making sure we maintain no contact, not that he is seeking any. He removed any ties to me within an hour (removed me, family and friends from internet networking sites, changed all passwords, and closed out his bank account that I was a joint on). This behavior is incredibly aggressive for him, and like nothing he would ever do.

There may be no answer to this.. but how do I stop all of the questions running through my head. I cant stop asking myself: why? does he really not love me? Did he really make this revelation a week ago like he said, or did he check out of our relationship emotionally a while ago? IS there someone else? And most importantly - is he as ok with all of this as he seems? Im suffering and have a broken heart.. i want to know if he is hurting too. I know none of this will help me, but i still cant stop the questions.

Which brings me to my second problem.. I also cant stop watching/checking facebook and AIM away messages. We've almost never been apart for 4 years.. so I decided if he wants to see life without me, I will give it to him. I am not putting up away messages, changing my status on facebook, calling to give him his stuff back, or ANYTHING. I am going to completely disappear from his life, for I think two weeks and at the end of the two weeks I believe all will be revealed. He'll have had time to see if this is what he wants, and I'll have had time to know what I need in my life.

But I cant stop watching the messages. Right after be broke up with me he put up messages to the affect of "I think I made the biggest mistake of my life" and "what the hell did I do". These put such a false sense of hope in me that while deep down I know its over and Ill never see or speak to him again, I keep expecting him to realize it was a mistake and call or show up. But he's not. And those away messages stopped and turned to much more benign ones (around, or out bowling).

Im sorry this is so long, and that Im not even sure what Im looking for. Just advice I suppose on how to stop thinking and dialoguing in my head. How to stop wondering what he's doing. And how to stop the pain. If I went into more detail on our relationship it would be seen that this is honestly completely out of the blue. Just a week ago we couldn't be happier and stronger. I am so shocked by it all that I can't move out of this phase.

If there is anyone who is going through/has gone through this and wants to talk/offer me advice, I would appreciate it.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 8:35pm

I am sorry for your loss archlighting..

When an ex pulls such a fast disappearing act, it can leave you feeling completely confused, and even lost. I just recently went through a similar experience. My ex was a different person after we broke up. He completely cut me off in the way that you are describing. I felt powerless over the situation and felt like I had done something wrong for him to just say goodbye so quickly, like it was my fault, that I was a bad girlfriend. Sometimes I convince myself that he cheated, or just wanted out, and that I was disposable to him. If he really cared, would he have walked away so easily? It does not make sense how you can be with and talk to someone every day and the next day they are gone and act like you never existed.

"why? does he really not love me? Did he really make this revelation a week ago like he said, or did he check out of our relationship emotionally a while ago? IS there someone else? And most importantly - is he as ok with all of this as he seems?"

I still ask myself all of these questions. It is extremely confusing to realize that someone who you loved for so long could just up and walk away like it never happened, while you are left picking up pieces. I keep telling myself that my ex had been thinking about the break up for a long time, but was only hanging on to the relationship out of guilt. And once he was not emotionally involved, it was easier for him to break it off. My ex, even the day previous, was still telling me about how we were going to move in together and what kind of dog we were going to get, and told me we would never break up. I loved him until the last second, however, he did not, he was not honest, or fully invested. A day later he breaks up with me, and has remained without contact after I collected my belongings from him. He disappeared, literally.

And to be honest, he might not be okay with it. He might feel horrible guilt and feel anxious and alone, as you do. But he obviously does not want you to know. Did he give you any explanation while he broke up with you? Did you ask? And did he break up with you in person or over the phone. He might have done all of this because running away is the easiest way for him to cope...

And the problem with the facebook, and away messages is a problem I also struggle with. I guess we look for answers that we don't currently have, thinking our ex's will post their feelings in public to confirm or disconfirm our fears. I think maybe not knowing how he is feeling might be better. Because if he does tell you, you may feel more hurt, and betrayed. I constantly want answers, but I must accept that I will never know truly how he is feeling, because up until the break up, I obviously didn't know, and I shouldn't expect to after either.

Did he give you any sign that he wanted to end the relationship before? You might be able to think back to times where he became distant, or where maybe you thought something was wrong but you couldn't pinpoint what it was? Are there any red flags?

I always thought my ex and I had clear communication (now I realize it was mainly on my part), but if it was this easy for him to up and dump me, I started to question his honesty. I found many things that weren't right in the relationship to begin with. I found that I began making more sacrifices and he just kept saying yes yes yes and could never say no. I found myself becoming more clingy as he became distant. I found myself getting frustrated with everything he did. He would forget to call, he would forget a lot of important things, and he acted like the relationship was not important, yet told me he would marry me and I was family. Actions speak louder than words...

I really hope you find clarity, but like most break ups, we must find it on our own and not expect our ex to give us answers. Keep posting on the board, because like you, most of us are going through similar feelings and experiences...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 9:51pm

Just wanted to say that I was in the same boat. My ex has always been caring (as well as a yes man) so that when he broke up with me out of the blue after telling me he loved me and talkin about moving in together a few days before, I was shocked beyond belief.


I think they were already dead inside or feeling a lot of angst about it before they broke up with us. It's not that they were dishonest and didn't care about you. I think they truly did but either didn't recognize the nagging feelings they had in themselves or wanted it but was in conflict about it. I think that while these men might "want" the moving in together or the relationship and therefore is genuine in that aspect, they don't know how to work through the conflicts they might feel they have with you that may prevent them from attaining their goal (ie: be with you/move in together). And sadly enough, had they talked about things earlier with us or been more aware of their own feelings instead of living in fear of rocking the boat, things might have been different. But all in all, as nice or genuine as these men might be, the fact that they want something but don't know how to overcome their internal or even external conflict in order to get it and talk about their concerns and instead just left, shows that they are not worth it.


All the best,


Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 9:48am

Hi, thank you for your replies. To answer some one your questions and post an update:

He joined the military (coast guard) a year ago in order to secure our future. It was a difficult year, but we got through it well, even had some of our best times during those reunitings. Lived for the first time together on our own for a month last summer and it was wonderful.

He came up for 2 weeks and I hadn't seen him in 2 months. It was great. Things were normal, no signs at all that I could find. All signs actually pointed to the future... he researched going on a family reunion this summer, we went to a movie and afterwards he gave me the stub to put into our scrap book, he painted my mothers house. All typical for him, and definitely not indicated a problem.

He went back to work for the week and I went back to school. NOW he became a bit distant. I kept asking if everything was ok, but he said he was busty with work, and it was just 4 days. The next weekend he came up and I drove home so we could be together, as usual. When I got to his house he was very distant and noncommittal. Asked if we could go get coffee. I said sure. He parked in the parking lot and said we had to talk.

He right away said he wanted a break. I said no, I dont believe in breaks so try again. He said over the last year the long distance has been too hard and wasnt working. That the year was a trial and didnt work. (This was never supposed to be a trial.. and it worked as well as it could.. we had one year left until we could be together again for good). He said he didnt want to do it anymore. I asked if he felt this way the week prior when things were good. He said no, he was fine then. I asked if he loved me the week prior, he said yes. I asked if he still loved me now, and he couldnt answer. So I said clearly its not the distance, if you no longer love me. I asked if plain and simple he wanted to be with me anymore and he said no. There wasnt much arguing I could do with that. He was so unemotional and unreadable. Just staring, and his mind was clearly made up. He said he wanted to thank me for the last 4 years, that they were great and he wouldnt take them back for anything. That he never thought it would end this way. But those were all the answers he had. At one point he started to hint that he just wanted to be single down there. He said there was no one else, is no one else, and is no one he is even interested in pursuing. He drove me to my car and said that he knows how successful I am and hopes to see me on the cover of forbes one day. I said, "I hope you find what youre looking for", he replied "I dont know what Im looking for" and that was it.

When he got home, like I said, he wasted no time removing me from his life. Now here is the update part. That night he had put up these away messages like "I made the biggest mistake of my life", etc. He took them down an hour later and they haven't gone up since. Its obvious on his facebook that one particular friend is supporting him. This guy I know for a fact has been telling sal to be single for quite a while now, though he himself is in a serious relationship.

Well, Sal broke up with me on thursday night. This morning I look, and see that that friend of his broke it off as well. So its like they were planning it together!! Im not even sure what to make of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 5:26pm

Your situation is very similar to mine. I am sorry for what you are going through, I know how difficult it is, but you seem to be handling the shock of it better than I did. I was financially devastated as well as emotionally. My ex owes me over a thousand dollars that I have been passively trying to get from him with as little contact as possible. He promised me it twice, now I feel like an idiot for ever believing he would pay me, and a second time too. I am in the process of flushing a thousand dollars down the drain and trying to accept the losses and not contact him. This is my first very serious relationship with kids and marriage talked about.

My ex and I were long distance for the majority of our relationship and your break up is very very similar to mine, except he broke up with me over the phone. He was very cold, rude, and distant and was apprehensive about giving me any explanations. I noticed he started becoming distant after he got a second job. He constantly forgot to call me, made excuses and was just more irritable and not nice in general. I always called him on it, and he denied that he was being different although I clearly saw the pattern. I was in school, and working, I sacrificed time for him. I felt like I was doing most of the work in the relationship because I truly wanted to be in it. He also smoked a lot of pot. I always called when I said I would, I always followed through, I always had to go see him despite my work and school schedule.

He just seemed to be less invested in the relationship as time went on but always told me he loved me and couldn't wait until we were together. We looked at apartments, I looked for jobs, we constantly talked about the future.We planned on moving in together because I was going to relocate out of state to where he was. He broke it off right before I planned to move, practically devastating me. He cut me off cold turkey except for the part where I had to retrieve half of my belongings in another state and say goodbye to him only to be cut off again.

Long distance seems to be one of the hardest relationships to conquer and it can cause more distance in itself. I noticed that I became depressed because I missed him daily. He dealt with it better than I did as I clung to him and pushed everyone away. I think long distance is only cut out for those who can truly invest time and energy on both parts. I also think my ex broke it off due to the influence of other's opinions that he should be single or that he was too young to be so serious. It is sad how some men can be influenced so easily by their male counterparts. You seem to be handling the break up much better than I did. I was literally left with no answers, although he told me there was no one else, but he couldnt tell me he loved me although he had said it 5 hours previous. I still cannot understand the reasons for his actions and have tried many times to rationalize but sometimes I just have to accept that he ran away from commitment, or he is just not being honest as to why we broke up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 6:19pm

Thank you for your message and telling me your story. So.. what did you do? How are you dealing with the questions and pain? I know I'll get no answers and will never ever see his face again... but I cant push down the pain. Every time my mind wanders it all of a sudden hits me again that its over... the last 4 years are gone.

My story seems to differs from yours a bit in that we weren't all long distance. We were together 3 years before he went in, and then saw each other every weekend, 2 months on, 2 months off. We were halfway through the long distance part of our lives, and the first year went very well. Also he gave no clue of pushing away, being distant. But like yours it seems he is swayed by friends, and wants to be single in his new life. The latest update that caused me to delete all my myspace/facebook/AIM accounts was the guy I knew was influencing him broke up with his own girlfriend within hours of my breakup. And they were posting to each other, supporting each other through it. Its like the decided to do it together! That makes me feel so sick and pained. That these guys were more important than us. So...

I know Im looking for answers that no one can give me, but.. uh. when will I stop thinking, and.. even more than wishing for the future with him, I am aching from all of our memories. It is all good. We had no serious problems, all my memories are great. How do I make them stop?