Oh! All the wonderful stages of grief!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Oh! All the wonderful stages of grief!!!
1
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 12:29am

So , last night, my live-in boyfriend broke up with me, while he was out of town, over the phone. (he said he wanted to wait until he got back home, but I pulled it out of him) This all came at me from left field. My first reaction-anger. All consuming anger, so much anger I lost control and called him every mean name I could think of at time while throwing pillows around my bedroom. (I remember when I was little, I read a book about emotions, it stated that it was okay to hit or throw pillows, just not people, and somehow I still practice this to this day, my poor pillows, feeling all my wrath) And then of course, after I called him all those terrible names, and I knew that I was just angry and I didn't feel that way really, I cried. I cried and I cried. I'm still crying today, but today I'm more sad than angry.

Why? Why did he do this to me!? He moved here from another state to be with me, we got our own apartment together, purchased furniture, and talked all about how we were going to wait a year, get engaged, and then wait another year to get married. We've talked about this for two years, and how this was our "5 Year Plan". My life has done a complete 360 over the last 24 hours, it's so different than it was yesterday morning. And why?? Well, because of course, he doesn't want to be "tied down". He's decided that he doesn't want to ever get married or have kids. After 4 months of living together, 2 years of dating, this is what he gives me. A fear of commitment.

So all day long, I've been sitting here, going over in my head what I did wrong, what I can learn from it, but really, everything was pretty good. Was I too available? Did I do too much for him? Did he need more of a chase? Someone who would treat him bad? I always supported him in everything, all his ideas, his work, his family. And this is the repayment I get?!

I'm no stranger to serious relationships, and after this one, I've decided, NO MORE LIVING WITH MEN BEFORE MARRIAGE!!! I know I can learn that now, even though it's taken me three times to actually learn it.

The kicker in all of this, he pulled the same stint on me this summer, only he was living in another state at the time. "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" blah blah blah. So we actually parted. We did not speak to each other for 3 months, and then boom, out of no where he tells me that he misses me, that he made a huge mistake, and that he was willing to move up to my state and make things work out. The fool that I was, blinded by love, I took him back.

So all in all, I suppose I have learned from this relationship, now that I look at what I've typed. I'll never fall for another man who tells me he has commitment issues. I know that in the end, I'll be a better person from all of this. Thanks for letting me vent!! I'm actually smiling now. =D

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 9:43am

{{{Hugs}}} I've been reading a lot about people with commitment issues over the past three weeks. My long-distance boyfriend dumped me right as I was about to take a job in his town, with the same lines you just got "I'm just not the type of guy who's going to settle down - ever." Someone on this board recommended "He's Scared; She's Scared" to me. I've been reading it (and rereading it) daily since I bought it. With commitment phobic people, they often leave relationships when they are going the BEST. That's when they are most scared. Of course, that leaves their partners reeling and wondering wth just happened!

Also, in reading this book, I realized that my ex-husband (we were married 9 years, together a total of 13), also has commitment issues. It showed up when we bought a house, and the last straw for him was having a child (which he really wanted but that's what made him feel claustrophic).

So, now, with the help of this book, and a therapist, I'm exploring MY OWN issues. I want to see if I'm picking these kinds of men for some reason. Focusing on me has helped a lot. I try to set aside a couple of times each day to purposely mourn my relationship but the rest of the day, I keep turning the focus to myself, so I can have a better relationship in the future.