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| Tue, 04-22-2008 - 9:52pm |
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years about a month ago. We had a really good relationship, and I'm still in love with him, but things kind of came to a climax and I felt like I just had to walk away. He was very serious about me and had been for quite some time... I thought I could see us getting married too, so I was going along with it, but suddenly I started to question lots of things and decided I just wasn't ready. He was willing to wait; he assured me he wouldn't ask me to get married till I was ready, but essentially I decided that I didn't know if I would ever be ready. It's hard to pin down the exact reason why I decided it was time to let go, but a part of me just refused to give in entirely to the relationship. We would talk about marriage comfortably but I just didn't take it as seriously as he did, and I would tell him repeatedly that I wasn't ready. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I want to live life for myself for a little longer... I'm not ready to start making the compromises that come with a marriage; maybe it has to do with the fact that he was my first boyfriend; maybe it has to do with the fact that it was an interracial relationship and there has been quite a bit of drama to deal with on the home front; maybe it was all of the above. Part of me thinks I may end up with him after all, but I think for me to come to that realization I need to be on my own for a while. If I stayed in the relationship I feel like I would always wonder if I was in it because I really wanted to be or if I was in it just bc it was so comfortable. So here we are.
I've been ok. I cried every night for the first two weeks. We talked for the first week and then stopped talking after seeing each other one more time. We didn't talk for a week and a half but then had a four-hour conversation when he called, ironically the first day I hadn't cried. The following day he called me again for two minutes just to tell me he got the promotion he had been waiting for at work. I think I was so happy to hear him in a good mood that I was able to deal with the next few days more positively. It has now been more than two weeks since then. I don't cry every single day, but I do find myself looking at his pictures and reading break-up related articles ever night. I guess it's progress.
I'm worried about him, though. He was not just my boyfriend but my best friend. I feel like I have a better support system than he does, so I feel like he must be having a harder time... needless to mention that I broke his heart. When we last spoke, he seemed to be having a really hard time with everything. I want to reach out to him and see how things are going, but I'm worried that I'll be making him spiral back into depression and desperation if he has made any progress. I miss talking to him and want us to be friends, but he has said to me in the past that he does not want to be friends if he can't have me. I emailed his roommate recently to get an update on the situation, and he said that he asks him almost daily whether he should call me. His roommate advises against it, because he feels that he would just be calling to ask me if there was anything he could do to get me back. His roommate said that if I wanted to contact him, my ex would be thrilled, but that he would likely just try to find ways that we could be in some kind of relationship. I just wish there was something I could do for him.

Welcome to the board flamestodust,
The best thing you can do for him is leave him alone so he can heal.
Looks like we're going through almost the same thing... :) Stay strong. Hell, I need someone to tell me to stay strong.
Similar situation - I have a
It does seem like we're (were) in a very similar place in our relationships. I've actually used the phrase "cruise control" before to describe it! And I totally know about everything feeling amplified when you fought, bc I would always find myself thinking "is this what it's going to be like for THE REST OF MY LIFE?"
I don't know how much time you need. I did a two-week break, and during that period I was mostly leaning toward breaking it off completely. (There was definitely a part of me that thought maybe I should do a six-month break instead so it's not final, but I decided I couldn't have him wait around for that long... what if I didn't want to come back at the end of that time? He would have just been waiting. With a total break, I don't lead him on unnecessarily... but nothing is set in stone, you know? So if one day I'm ready to pursue it again, I will.) I was just so bothered by that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I felt it would never go away if I didn't walk away... like maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe just that I needed to live a little more before I gave into that kind of serious relationship. I read a book that was helpful: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I would recommend it if you start feeling very indecisive. It is geared toward an older audience I think and some of it is overwhelming and you will pass the tests it offers easily (bc it seems you have a good relationship), but some points the book makes really make you think; and I think it's important to think before you commit!
I have no regrets about breaking up. Of course I think about him often and don't really know what to do with myself, but for me this is right. I don't want to sway you in any way, of course! The decision you make (to stay or go) has to come from within YOU and no-one else. Maybe you just need a little room to breathe and you'll get to the core of what the issue is; maybe it'll be something you can solve together and move forward in the relationship.
Good luck! Keep me updated. And seriously, if you feel lost, try the book.