need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
need advice
5
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 2:02pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: canadiankleo
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 3:25pm

Thanks for re-posting up here canadiankleo,


You said your apologies and you are moving forward with No Contact, that's the best you can do right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: canadiankleo
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 9:14pm

Oh boy, brace yourself. I have a feeling others will disagree with me, but that's because they probably unknowingly do what you did, too.

....."I told him that I wanted to see him (during this times we were both going through a tough time in our separate lives...I was merely looking for comfort (I didn’t quite exactly tell him what was going on)). Anyways he told me that he didn’t know what’s going on with me that I was putting too much pressure on him.

I got sooo upset...I wrote him an email telling him what was going on with me (a death in the family and another family member who is gravely sick in the ICU), told him that he doesn’t care about what’s going on (he did have an idea of what was going on) and I can’t be with someone who can’t be there for me like I would be there for him and put my own feelings aside, nor will I sit around waiting for him to make time for us so we can get to know each other And that there is absolutely no pressure here.".....

Problem is, that's all nothing BUT pressure. It really is. He asked you for space, to slow down, to get back to casual, I'm guessing, and you initially agreed, but then put some kind of time limit on that by calling him when a week went by with no call from him. I did that too at one point way back. Not again, though. Really bad idea.

Here's the deal when someone asks you for space: AGREE with them, and that means completely and wholeheartedly. Give them that space and keep going with your life. Everyone is entitled to their choices in life. At the same time, THEY need to be the ones worried that you might find someone else if they go away and stay away for too long, get it? Good. What's most important, and typically the most painful and this is where people "break", is to NOTICE if they DON'T call, if they DON'T miss you, if they DON'T make the effort without having to be prodded. That's a big flag that reads "Bad Candidate." So, danger, Will Robinson.

One other thing: How long were you dating him, because unless it's anything very serious and over say about two years, I'd say that which you were asking (more like requiring) from him (emotional support for a death in the family , and then putting your own standards of behavior on another person in any circumstances, that's all too much pressure and expectation, IMO.

How do people get to know each other? They spend whatever time they BOTH feel is comfortable, and they do it over TIME. Lots and lots of time. Not in time spent together, but calendar time gone by. But they don't force the issue or guilt others into something they want. Would you have done that with a new acquaintance? Probably (hopefully) not.

Good luck and keep posting. If anything I said didn't make sense, I'd be happy to clarify.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
In reply to: canadiankleo
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 1:17am

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
In reply to: canadiankleo
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 1:31am

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: canadiankleo
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 10:07pm

Holy moly, all this after only four months? Yikes.

No, it wasn't "just" wanting to see him, although you may try to paint it that way, it's not.

....."I started to see that he was pulling away a little. I confronted him about it"..... At four months, you don't need to "confront" about anything. So he's pulling away, so what? He's an individual and a grownup, I'm assuming, and he has every right to spend time with you or not, even if it smacks a little of pulling away or hurts your feelings. Your job at four months is to NOTICE his behavior, not to demand, coerce, cajole, defend or try to change it in any way.

....."I’ll give him extra slow and I started planning out how I was going to go about this in my head....but I didn’t hear from him for about a week I called him"..... Again, as an adult individual he can do with his time as he wishes, especially if he's asked for some time to slow down. That's pretty standard for, "I need room to breathe." Point is, you don't get to decide how long he takes, you just NOTICE if he takes longer than what you are happy or comfortable with.

....."I wrote him an email telling him what was going on with me (a death in the family and another family member who is gravely sick in the ICU), told him that he doesn’t care about what’s going on (he did have an idea of what was going on) and I can’t be with someone who can’t be there for me like I would be there for him and put my own feelings aside, nor will I sit around waiting for him to make time for us so we can get to know each other"..... This is actually the part that drove the nails in the coffin, NOT the "just wanting to see him" part. Not to say you can't somehow get another chance, you of course can, however, if you don't change your mindset as to what constitutes pressure vs. what doesn't, you're going to find yourself in this same spot over and over, and there's no need for that. I.e., what you're doing isn't helping you.

This part gets me after that email you sent him. ....."And that there is absolutely no pressure here."..... I'm sorry, but I just don't see how your email to him could be received as anything but a statement of how he *must* act, and that IS pressure. Unnecessary pressure at that. This is the kind of discussion one has with a serious boyfriend or fiance of over a year (and even then that's iffy), but certainly not one you've been dating for a few months. To me, it's inappropriate.

Here's the deal, though. You don't have to change your beliefs at all, not one shred, not one iota. I don't think this behavior will help you, but that's a personal opinion. What I will say is that if you don't feel the need to change, then you must find someone who ***already*** feels and thinks about this the way you do. I don't believe this guy is that person mainly because I believe in every person's inherent right to be exactly how they want to be, so to try and "get him back" would be a serious waste of time unless one of you changes. He's not like you, and you have to be okay with that. Since you can only control and change your own behavior, your own actions, then if you want him back, that's what you'd have to do.

Best of luck,

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