It is indeed, very hard to do...
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| Fri, 04-25-2008 - 8:28pm |
Hello,
I'm glad I've found this board - I was almost hoping that I wouldn't have to be here but here I am.
My bf and I have been together for almost a year. We've had a lot of issues (him not being able to give me as much time as I wanted, I suspect something with his "friend", not cheating but not getting over her, lots of fights, etc.) and it finally came to a blow. He didn't want to see me today, we had an argument over the phone, he ended up getting angry and hanging up the phone on me. I could have left it there, but I was so angry and hurt. I knew that he wanted space, but of course sitting down and doing nothing (or distracting myself so that I won't be dwelling on this) really wasn't appealing to me, probably because I was so emotional. So of course I chose the radical step of going over to his place. And so we exchanged few words, and then exchanged keys.
Now I'm back home, cried for a few hours, my housemates trying to cheer me up (thanks heavens for having two other single girls in the house!). I've turned my phone off, simply because I know that he won't call me and I'd be tempted to call. In a way it's good that I know that he won't call me, but at the same time it hurts a lot. I honestly believe that he doesn't care about me enough to call me in any case, even if we didn't have our last fight. I was losing faith in him. So it hurts that he's not going to contact me.
Well, he would have to contact me sometime. He has things at my place that he'd want back, and as he doesn't have my keys anymore I suspect he'll call me sometime when he's calmed down a bit. Not sure whether that would be next week or month.
It is very difficult. Earlier in the evening he called this a space, but as we've exchanged keys I figure it'd be safe to assume that we're done. Deep inside me I know this is the right thing to do, I really deserve better (it's a very long story, but the bottom line is that he's stretched too much in all directions, his kids, his hobbies, his work, etc. that it makes no sense for him to be with someone as he won't be able to give that person any significant amount of time) but of course, it still hurts. I fell in love and I believe he once loved me too.
I'm angry, sad and hurt at the same time. Not feeling cruel or mean, but despair and emptiness. I'd appreciate a little support, please, as it's going to be a long night...

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Thanks for your message. I appreciate it.
I knew his children would always come first. And of course, when we first got together he made a point of seeing me. Just like your story. But as that first lovey-dovey feeling faded I think the reality of the relationship hit him. There is only 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week and there is no way he can do everything that he wants to and still be with me. He has developed a lot of solo-hobbies (guitar-playing, canoeing, etc.) during his failed marriage that he has no time to even start contemplating about starting "our" hobby.
We've had really good times. We connect very well, and I really don't want to let him go. But I have to.
It will get better, right?
Welcome to the board honeybaby789,
Yes, it will get easier. It just takes time.
Hello,
Thanks for your reply.
Just writing a long, venting email to a friend of mine back home (I'm living in Europe at the moment, so I have a few friends here but most of them are abroad), and thinking back to the good times that we've had, everywhere I look around my room I can see him, smell him, imagine him being there. And knowing that he's not there at the same time, makes me very unhappy. Very upsetting. It's quite a devastating feeling.
How do you make yourself fall asleep without any drastic measures (i.e. drinking a lot of gin, taking sleep meds, etc.) when you're this upset?
Ideas - journal writing, venting on paper, writing him an UNSENT letter telling him off, exercise and lots of it - watching old movies (or tv) until you fall asleep, get involved in a research project (I started my family tree years ago), distraction - hmm offer advice to a bunch of other people's posts here on iVillage LOL.
Got about 3 hours sleep, and I'm up again, miserable and crying my eyes out. I'm sure this is normal under the circumstances, losing someone important in my life isn't supposed to be easy. Writing down bad things about the relationship, things that he couldn't do for me (whether it's his fault or not is irrelevant) for whatever reason, times that he couldn't spend with me for whatever reason, helps me see things in perspective and confirms that we shouldn't be together.
But at the same time, I'm feeling very lonely. Knowing that I'll never see him again, he'll never hold me again and he'll never kiss me again is killing me. Knowing that I won't feel that connection between us is very, very sad. Thinking back to the good times that we've had, the walk up to my house from nights out, talking, holding hands, all these things makes me realize how lonely and sad I am now, and how it's not going to happen again.
How do you deal with the loneliness? Because I have some fabulous friends who are with me, giving me a shoulder to cry on, listening/reading my venting, but it doesn't solve the sadness/loneliness factor.
I came to iVillage last year and someone posted a link to this website that has been a heaven send for me.
Hello,
Thanks so much for your post, charleenjj. That was a useful link.
It's the hardest in the evening, when it gets dark. I did fine during the day today, but once 8pm, 9pm rolled around (he usually called or came over at this time in the evening) I just broke down. I miss him badly. I thought being hurt from the relationship may prevent me from feeling this attached to him but I really, really miss him. I sound like a broken record now - I think of happy memories, then I get really sad and feel awfully lonely, then I remember the bad things and I get angry. Then I feel the exhaustion, then I go through the cycle again. It's horrible.
I'm going to attempt to get some sleep tonight, I'm going to spend a few hours with a friend of mine tomorrow, so daytime would be alright. But I suspect tomorrow night would be difficult too.
I really appreciate the support - I do need it. I'm feeling very bruised and hurt and sad.
I am so feeling your pain right now.
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