Has This Happened to Anyone Else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Has This Happened to Anyone Else?
12
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 12:39pm

My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up a month ago. The last couple of weeks I felt like I have been doing better. I even saw the faint glimmer of happy on the horizon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 1:48pm

I'm going to keep this brief (and hopefully sweet)

For every girl that posts about an ex calling, there are 9 others whom didn't get a phone call (me included). Does it make you feel like a failure that you didn't even deserve a phone call? At first, yes, you feel worthless. but I promise PROMISE in the long run, you'll be happy not to have had to deal with the drama. And anyways, have YOU called him multiple times? no? Perhaps he's hurt, but not acting on it. No break up is ever easy, no matter how much they pretend. Honest to God. I have a good friend who is a certified Playboy. But when he broke up with his gf after 8 months, he looked like he'd gone a few rounds with a Mack Truck and lost. But you'd never know that from the way he talked to her afterwards...

Secondly, it's OK to take some time off from things that remind you of him. Go join a gym, meet some new people. Do something that you'll look back on in 6 months and be proud of.

And thirdly...that suddenly sober business. It's just one of those things that I guess happens sometimes. When we broke up last summer, my ex suddenly developed some ambition and wanted to go to Medical school. I can't explain to you how much that annoyed me when I found out. Suddenly he was vice president of my student society and organizing conferences when I could barely get him to write his MCATs last year. Boggles the mind.

I found there were a few ways you could look at this (temporarily). Firstly, it has everything TO DO WITH YOU. Perhaps this break up was the wakeup call he needed to realize that he needed to get his life in order. The idea that you may have just managed to be the catalyst needed to change his entire world for the better is a pretty amazing thought. If you can do that, you can do anything. Secondly, maybe you WERE the reason he couldn't do it. When he was happy and with you, he had no motivation to fix things because you hung around. Just because you aren't there and he's changing, doesn't mean he's HAPPY right now. Thirdly, none of what I said in point 1 and 2 matter. Question is, while he's getting sober, what have YOU done to fix your own shortcomings in this period?

And it DOES end. I can't say when or where or how, but I can tell you that you only have one thing to think about every minute of every day: I need to pick myself up again and then do it.

All the best,


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 4:47pm
You and I are in such similar situations. I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we broke up 3 months ago. It was sort of the same thing but for him it was his health, diet and weight. I loved him anyways but he always thought down on himself for it. Well, he starts losing weight and all of a sudden, he needs to be on his own and he can't handle being in a relationship and poof! He's gone. Nothing. He only called me on days that were really really emotionally charged (my birthday, what would have been our anniversary etc..). I talked to him for the first time in 2 months, two days ago. It was horrible. He sounded so much like the man I loved but that man is gone. He is visiting people we knew together and places we went to together and it seems to me like he is acting like the break-up was the best thing in the world. I know that I will feel that way someday too but not right now. And I don't want him to feel like that right now. I want to know that he is hurt, upset and misses me. And that he is sorry for all of it. But I don't think he will admit to any of that right now. I guess I am not helping you at all but it is some bit of a comfort to know that not everyone gets a call and sometimes they seem to be doing better right after us. Sigh. I just needed to vent too. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 3:47am

Healing is a long and painful process. I look at it like a line that zig zags up and down and eventually starts going up steadily. You will have your downs, but the good days will become more frequent I promise. I thought the bad days would never stop but this was the first week after almost 2 months that I didn't have a bad day and cry and think about my ex. You will have to try and distance yourself from mutual friends (like you said). Any memory of an ex is painful, even if the person isn't there, knowing that someone else remains on good terms with them can be on your conscience the whole time you are with that friend. I ran into my ex's best friend AND a girl he slept with frequently before we got together (and who he contacted right after the break up) at the same bar at the same time same night. It was so awkward I almost had a nervous breakdown that I saw them both there. I had to leave.

My ex hasn't called either. I've learned to accept that he won't. I always remind myself that if he did care or want to apologize he might call and see how I am, see if I'm okay. But he won't. I wouldn't pick up if he called anyway. There is no reason to. You might never know how he feels. He walked away because he said "the relationship was too damaged". Someone who walks away from their problems is not someone you want to be with. I thought my ex would never walk away from me but his patterns show otherwise. He walks away from everything and it doesn't matter who he walks away from or who he hurts in the process. Walking away is selfish and cowardly. It leaves the other person with no closure, and it leaves us feeling like we did something wrong.

My ex is also addicted to marijuana. He abuses it. I stood by him when he said he would quit day after day after day. I stood by him when he would forget important things, break promises and hurt me due to his addiction. He obviously chose it over me. He always said I could help him quit, help him go back to school... I would be his crutch, his excuse for doing things. He wasn't going to do them because HE wanted to. DO NOT blame yourself for his alcohol abuse. Maybe after you two broke up he figured he had to change some things, this might be one of them. Alcohol is a crutch, he needed it to numb himself and he chose it over you. Maybe he isn't even sober now. Don't blame yourself for someone else's addiction. You said you stood by him, that was the best you could do.

This sounds very similar to my relationship. My ex always promised he would do things, and he never followed through. He wasn't honest about the right things. He was needy, I was needy. He grew distant I grew clingy. You don't want to be in a relationship where someone needs you or you need them or where it becomes a game. It makes another party feel obligated or guilty. It should be about mutual respect and mutual effort should be put into the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 6:17am

hi-


Your emotions will fluctuate. That is OK. My recent ex has not called me, begging me to come back. He never will. I know this. SUre it hurts, but he was not the right one for me. Never was, and I knew it all a long.


In my first serious relationship, many years ago, I pushed bf to go to grad school and give up his landsacaping business. He did at night...started working on Wall Street and dumped me after 7 years. He broke up w/me saying he had to "screw around before he got married". It was like the rug was pulled out from under me. As in that relationship, he pushed to get married, I wanted to wait. He dated maybe 3 girls and then married one.


I was devesated as well, but as you can see I lived throug it. I had to go into counseling. Please treat yourself good, and know you are a wonderful person, with or without him. Believe this, as it is true.


Keep posting and we will al help you.


seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 12:40pm

Hi workinggirl!


I understand completely where you are coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 8:31pm

Thanks for all the support. I have been feeling better today. Something about the weekends, they always seem to be the hardest. So, I have been trying to fill mine up, keep

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 8:53pm

Hey I wanted to let you know that I have been where you are, just over a year ago, ending a 3 yr RL. You have to expect ups and downs, for quite a while yet. But eventually there will be more good days then bad and you will be able to see how far you have come.

The post above "I found there were a few ways you could look at this (temporarily). Firstly, it has everything TO DO WITH YOU. Perhaps this break up was the wakeup call he needed to realize that he needed to get his life in order. The idea that you may have just managed to be the catalyst needed to change his entire world for the better is a pretty amazing thought. If you can do that, you can do anything. Secondly, maybe you WERE the reason he couldn't do it. When he was happy and with you, he had no motivation to fix things because you hung around. Just because you aren't there and he's changing, doesn't mean he's HAPPY right now."

is so very true. I am one of those whose ex's has called. It has been about 19 mos since the original break up and 8 mos since the final breakup- and it was nothing but drama. He is miserable and depressed and its all I had to listen to. No one wants to be brought down each day, especially when you're the heart of the problem. Be happy he isn't calling...you are better off not knowing how he feels. And my ex also, is suddenly doing things he knew were issues in our RL. Its just too late, and like you- I wonder why he couldn't get it together for ME! All this time he's been trying to win me back and when he realized it was truly over, NOW he gets his act together. Again, I wish i didnt know....guess he'll be all the better for the next girl.

Just take it day to day and expect these rebounds of emotions. Have some solutions lined up so when you have one of those days-or several- you can combat it. Maybe more time at the gym, or treating yourself to a pedicure or massage, shopping- whatever it is to get your mind OFF the fact its a bad day

Hang in there, Im so much better than the day it ended. Im still doing better than he is....so there is hope!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 9:44pm

Hey Workingirl82,


*HUGS* I know EXACTLY where you are coming from...


<<<<>>>>


I have read so many of those my-ex-keeps-contacting-me-posts and while I know this is not the intent, obviously, I feel so sad thinking, well, I don't have to worry about THAT...So when I read what you wrote, I just had to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 10:13pm

hi everyone, its been almost 2 month since I was dumped and a have made no contact and he hasnt either.


He is also strong-willed so I know he wont contact me.


The only good thing about knowing is that you are not expecting the call, but it feels TERRIBLE, like mentioned here, WOW, he just doesnt care .............. after a great year ??????


I am also with my ups and downs, today I thinkk it was a 24 hour crying day ( I also thiink it has to do with my PMS lol )


Postimg here is the only place were I can be honest because my girlfriends are always : " move on" , " he doesnt love you " etc.....etc...., I know all those things but HELLO , after a year in a relationship I have to grieve it out .........


So, no, they dont all call.....................

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 10:40pm

Pride has a lot to do with it, at least on my part. I made him tell me he loved me first, I mean I would literally open my mouth to say it and nothing would come out, but I was determined...DETERMINED not to be the one to say it first.

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