Explanation and advice needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Explanation and advice needed.
1
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 1:37pm

I want to keep this short an will try my best though some background is needed.


A friend of my has been with her huband about 15 years, 12 married and two kids. Like every couple they've had their problems big and small and have exchanged both pleasantried and some harsh words.


Recently they had a "big" fight because he was gambling and lying about it and when confrunted cussed her out and walked out only to blame her for ruining his birthday and acting like a baby and a witch (he claims, and i'm sure to a degree he is correct, that she is VERY demanding). He then asked for a divorce.


While admitting that SHE is a HUGE reason why he has a good job and turned his life around as a rebellious teen, he claims that thier problmes which he says have made him "MISERABLE" for at least 7 years, (their son is 7), have led him to leave. Yet other than telling HER that she needed to change, never initiated counseling or went to seek help for himself or both. Now he says, though she's been going to counseling, it's too little too late.


So, despite the fact that he's moved out, they work together and he calls her on their simultaneous shift, from his department and makes comments with sexual innuendos and laughs at her with his guy friends who are about 10 years his junior. He also shows up to pick up the kids and makes himself "at home" showering there, eating there and often spending the night, but in the basement or on the couch. Yes, he owns half the home, but she is very frustrated and it's hard on her because she didn't want out. And, he's also confusing the kids, who don't know what's going on since one day he is there and the next day not and doesn't even return the kids calls. Also when he picks up his kids for the weekend, he simply drops them off at his parents and heads to the bar. He also show his "wife" texts from family and friends commending him on his choice to leave and pursue a less "intense" and "responsible" lifestyle and say it's about time you could finally do what YOU want.


To top it off, while he IS giving her money for bills, he is only giving he a certain portion toward the mortgage, but she is still short a few hundred. Theire arrangement while together was for her to work PT so she could be with the kids and he'd work to provide for the family. But, he still says upon being confronted that he has EVERY right to be in the home, eat the food, use the TV and the computer, etc. He told my friend that when SHE can foot all the bills on her own, that's when she can start making demands and calling the shots, until then she should just accept that it's his home too and he'll come and go as he pleases. She doesn't have the money (yet) for an attorney but I think this man is abusing her. He even calls her parents to wish them happy holidays or happy birthday, calls her to drop the kids off and go to a movie or to a bar, "as friends" (telling her that when she realizes that what he's done and is doing is for everyone's best, she'll be thrilled, mad that she didn't think of it first, and will be in his "debt", and thank him). In addition he is, after being gone only about 2 months at best dating and dating someone or a few people they both work with and she has to hear and deal with the rumors, good and bad, mostly bad and hear about hisf escapades.


Can someone tell me if this is normal. I've lived with people and broken up, no kids so it was a clean break, but something about this smells stinky. Isn't there something she can do, and if so what.


Any and all input is greatly appreciated. I really want to helpk this poor woman and he kids out.


Thank you in advance

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 4:11pm

Welcome to the board pcenluv67,


It sounds it's normal for him. He's extreme, but likes saying she is.