Nervous about talking things out tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Nervous about talking things out tonight
4
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 5:11pm

My original backstory is lengthy and I posted it on another board so I'll just link to it:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlgogirl&msg=11284.1&ctx=0

Anyway, I decided that I am going to go over to our apartment tonight and try to talk things over with him-- we left things a little muddied when I last saw him (1 week ago) and I just want to get past that point and work towards closure. I talked to my dad's girlfriend for an hour and a half today about everything and I felt really ready to talk to him about how I can't keep bringing myself down because of his issues with happiness and that I am not coming back this time (he broke up with me but he is still unsure if this is really what he wants) and won't come back until I know that he has worked on these issues. And then there's the possibility that on the way to that point, I will meet someone who I connect with even deeper.. but that's not really on my mind at the moment.

I am just so nervous that after I tell him all of this stuff tonight, this will be it and I will never see him again. He really wants to come to my birthday celebration this weekend and I thought it would be too awkward if we hadn't talked things out yet. I did call him back last night finally but I got some mixed signals from him about what he wants to happen. I know that eventually I am going to have to cut off contact with him, but that can't be right now because we have a lot of loose ends to tie up (if you didn't read the original post, we've been together 5 years, living together for 2 and we own land, furniture, etc. together) which will take more than a day.

I really need for him to do this on his own and figure himself out because even though we love each other a lot and I worry about him, I know that it is not my problem to fix, it is his. I am just afraid I will chicken out tonight-- I was so sure about talking to him earlier but now that I'm back at my desk at work sitting here thinking, I am getting really nervous.

Any thoughts? Feedback? Suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 5:16pm

OK you can tell how crazy I am right now because I totally contradicted myself! I said I was afraid I'd never see him again but then I said we have a lot of loose ends to tie up that will take more than a day!

Sigh.

I guess I'm just really afraid that he won't listen to me and that he'll get mad/defensive/angry and he'll never work towards getting the happiness he totally deserves -- he is a really great person with a LOT going for him but he's never allowed himself to be happy and content with where he is-- and the worst part is that he's really good at denying that it's even a problem.

It's so hard to say all the things that are on my mind to his face.. he is really a wonderful person and I love him so much but I feel like I have to tell him all these things. I hope he realizes it's for his own good and doesn't shut me out completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:32pm

Hey i wanted to tell you you're not crazy. I was reading your posts and hoping you got some good advice, because I have recently gone thru something similiar except we are both in college, 21 years old but worlds apart in maturity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:41pm

I'm going to play devils' advocate here for a bit, I realize you may be talking to him even as I write this. I also realize some folks won't see the backhanded support intended and will think I'm just adding fuel to the fire of confusion. I'm willing to take that risk :)

What if his "true happiness" is without you? Are you really prepared for that? I think you said in the other post that this is for his own good and that you wanted him to see he can't make it on his own, but what if he CAN make it on his own without you and oh-by-the way does a damm fine job at it? Would that TRULY make you happy? I think the discussion you want to have with him may actually be a different one.

I think it's important that we all remember to be very careful what we ask for in life.

Best of luck to you,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 12:38am
Actually I don't disagree with you. In fact after I wrote that original post I kept meaning to go back and edit it because I didn't mean to say "can't make it without me" but instead "can". I kinda want him to figure this one out on his own and be proud that he can do it himself because I'm not always going to be around to drop everything and help.
The part that I suspect he can't do alone is fixing everything- I really think he needs to see and talk to somebody who doesn't know him and can be objective about the situation.. and thankfully he agreed with me tonight and we had a really great conversation about everything. He understands that I am not going to wait around and that I'm going to begin my journey to happiness while he does the same.. I told him I'm OK with just being his catalyst for change but he insisted that I will always be much more than that.
I guess we'll just see what happens! But to answer your question, it's easy to say now that I will be fine if he finds happiness without me, but I'm not sure how I'd handle it. I'd like to say that I feel mature enough to be happy that I at least helped him get to this point (the whole catalyst thing I mentioned above) because hopefully by then I'll have found my own happiness that has nothing to do with him.