I'm so confused. First post, need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
I'm so confused. First post, need help
5
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 7:42pm

I hope there's no limit to the amount of space i can use on here because i'm definitely going to need it. I've been newly single now for a little over a month after my ex of 6 years told me that he cheated on me then he broke up with me. Before i get to that i would like to give a little background on the situation. More like a lot of background now that i wrote it all out :-P

Like i said before, we were together for almost 6 years. I'm only 23 so we started dating when i was only 17 and he was just turning 21. It was an instant connection between us. I may have been young, but to me it was love at first sight and he had always said the same thing. We lived in different states so during the week we would both go to school and see each other on the weekends. It was like that for three years and then all of a sudden, he broke up with me. I found out later that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman a few years older than him that he met through myspace (she was like 4 years older with 2 kids and was divorced) She didn't even live relatively close to him, but after we broke up he did travel to go see her. At this point i didn't know the extent of the relationship.

My ex always dreamed of moving to california, so after we had broken up, he applied for a few jobs out there, got one and decided to move (we both live on the east coast) I was devastated and made it a point to see him before he left. When we saw each other, i could see it in his eyes that he still wanted to be with me and although we officially didn't get back together, we knew we wanted to be with each other and decided to see how things went when he moved out there. Things were good at first until i came across old e-mails from the woman he had the emotional affair with and half naked pictures of her when we were still together. I was so broken up about this and it definitely put a strain on our relationship. Obviously i was going to have a hard time trusting him when he was 3k miles away, but we were together. We visited each other as much as we could considering i was still in school and he was working full time.

At some point when he first moved there, he met this woman (let's call her T) who was in her 30's who was visiting from out of state. They became fast friends and kept in contact with each other. Supposedly she also always dreamed of living in california, so after visiting there a few more times and staying friends with him, she left her family AND her two kids to move to california. He always swore to me that they were just friends, but i didn't trust her. Why would someone in her 30's with two kids latch onto my then 25 or 26 year old boyfriend? Whatever the real case was, they stayed friends, even lived in the same town and here i am back on the east coast with trust issues to begin with wanting to spend that time with my boyfriend. It got to the point that i couldn't take it anymore and decided to go on a break.

We were on a break for about 5 months until we finally saw each other again this past november for his nieces 1st birthday party and thanksgiving. I didn't realize how much i had truly missed him and it was so wonderful spending so much time together. He begged me to come to his work christmas party only a couple of weeks later which i went to, he came home for christmas and then i went back out there for new years (we spent A LOT of time together in two months. It was great!) When i was in california for new years, i found out that he had slept with T when we weren't together. I know what you're saying, when we weren't together it shouldn't matter, but it did because i had voiced my opinions on her, told him that she was getting between us and that's pretty much the reason i took the break. It was because of her. So, needless to say it wasn't cheating, but i told him he needed to cut contact with her for good. Supposedly he did this, but even then i was back home and he was still 3k miles away doing god knows what with who so i felt like i couldn't trust him (naturally) That was definitely weighing heavily on him considering i reminded him everyday about not talking to her and telling him how i felt about it (take note now, this is the second woman) I told him he had to move back home during the summer and that was agreed upon by both of us. When he went back, we both collectively looked into areas to live. Everyday we looked for houses online together. Key word is together, it wasn't just me.

My birthday is in february right around valentines day so he came home to celebrate with me. It was a great weekend. We spent a lot of time together, he bought me beautiful thoughtful presents and it was just wonderful. I had missed him so much. He went back to california and i had a trip planned for march. I think it was only two and a half weeks later that i went out there.

Between valentines day and the time that i went out there in march, he lost his job and got a DUI. He was definitely feeling pretty down on himself, kept telling me that he wasn't a bad person.

Anyway, i went out to california for a week (i was able to spend more time there because he was let go from his job) and everything seemed great at first. He had gotten a new job that needed him atleast till the end of the year so i was making plans to move out there to be with him because i had just finished my undergrad. We talked a lot about a house and a dog and living on the beach. There was a co-working that i had met at the christmas party back in june who was married and really nice that i wanted to see and a month prior she was excited about seeing me as well, but something seemed a little off when i went there and we didn't make plans to hang out. We didn't fight much when i was there, little bickering here and that, but that's normal. I left and went back home. We got into a huge fight only a few days after regarding him going out and not bothering to call me (i told him in order for me to trust him that he needed to keep in contact when he was out) and he didn't.

The next morning i wake up to this e-mail...
"I havent been the man you need me to be. You mean the world to me and can't imagine it without you. I want to do whatever makes you happy. I will strive to be the best boyfriend ever and the boyfriend that I used to be. Ive lost my sweetness with you and I don't know why. Its hard for me to face you after all my fkups and wonder why ur still with me. Maybe that's why I feel I don't deserve you. You deserve better and I want to be ur man. I want you, you, you and puppy with you. I miss you so much and just wish we could spend every second of our lives together (in California :) ). I miss being sweet to you...I miss telling you how much I miss you...I miss us....I miss ur kiss..ur touch....everything. I love you! I really do even though I don't always show it. I just need space to think about things before going back to work. Even though it seems like I ignore you or don't want to talk to you...I'm always thinking about you.

I love you,

E"

I cried, it was so sweet and so out of the ordinary for him to tell me how he feels. He said he needed his space, so we didn't talk much for a few days, but he still told me he loved me and i was still getting ready to move out there. All of a sudden a week after he wrote that e-mail to me, he was telling me he wasn't sure if he felt as strongly about me as i did about him and then he broke up with me. I asked him what went wrong since last week and he told me that he had been kissing that married woman that i met at his work christmas party. Um....WTF! Only later did i find out from the woman's HUSBAND that it was more than kissing and their physical relationship started only 4 days after i left california!!!! 1 day after he wrote me that e-mail!!!!! (i should probably mention that the night they started their physical affair i lied to him and told him i was going out with this guy that i had previously dated when we weren't together because i was pissed off about something and i wanted to make him jealous)

I just don't get it. It's been a little over a month now that we haven't been together. Supposedly he's still been sneaking around with the married woman and i don't know if it's out of loneliness (he told me when we broke up that he felt like he lost everything and he feels so alone) He also doesn't have good friends out there that he hangs out with on a regular basis so he may have been going to her because he has no one else. He's also always told me that he doesn't deserve me. When i recently asked him why, he said "because i'm a liar and a cheater. You deserve better and i cant give you better"

The other kicker is, he gets jealous if i mention another guy in an away message! He went off on me talking about other boyfriends that i don't have. He thinks everything i say is about him and whenever he tells me not to talk to him, he writes to me!

So i guess after my long story (thanks for whoever had the time to read it) the question is: Why would he write that e-mail then break up with me? Why does he get jealous? Why does it seem like if anything, he'd rather argue with me than not talk to me at all? Also, when i found out he was still talking to the married woman, he didn't want me to know. Kept telling me that i didn't know the whole story and stuff like that. Almost like he was ashamed. Why?

This is how i see it: After the 3rd time of him messing things up with various womem (who i might add are older and not even hot. I know looks shouldn't matter, but it seems like they too have their own mess of problems) like the e-mail he sent me said, he couldn't even look at me anymore because of all of the pain that he put me through. He doesn't think he deserves me (and i know that may sound like a cop out, but he always told me that) so this last time was like the last nail in the coffin. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore, so this may be his way of letting me go to better things. I don't know, i'm confused...

What are your thoughts? I love him. I keep myself busy, work, run and work out, hang out with friends, but i still cant get him out of my mind. I miss him so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 12:53am

Welcome to the board jenny979,


Well, while he didn't technically cheat, he took full advantage of the 'break' you wanted and the next time, with the married woman, well, sorry but he'd be out of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:03am

I definitely don't want this kind of drama in my life and i wouldn't jump back into things with him tomorrow even if he wanted to. What i want is for him to open his eyes to the truth of his actions. I've talked to a therapist, my friends, my family and they all say the same thing. He's insecure and acts out on those insecure feelings of feeling unworthy and not good enough by sabotaging things that matter to him the most. It just doesn't make sense in my mind after just getting back together, after the e-mail, that he would do something like that. And what sucks even more is that i'm here and he's there. He always told me that he misses the companionship that comes with having a girlfriend around and that's why he's always had female friends. This time, it just went too far. I keep saying to myself: where are his friends? If i was messing around with someone who was married and potentially ruining my relationship along with someone elses, i would hope someone would sit me down and help me see the light. That's why i think he's continuing with this married lady. He really doesn't have anyone and from what i can tell, she doesn't either besides mutual married friends through her husband. I know i cant do anything about it right now, but if i at least try to understand things better, it helps me calm down.

Thanks for all the links and reading suggestions. I'll get to checking them out later. Oh and thanks for taking the time to read my long drawn out story :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 11:00pm

Jenny979,


::What i want is for him to open his eyes to the truth of his actions.


First, you want something you can't possibly have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:43am

What i would personally get from it. That's tough. Honestly, if he could dig deep within himself and really come to grips with why he's become this unrecognizable person, that would be the best gift ever. Whatever happens after that, happens. I know it's unrealistic to hope that someone could/would want to come to terms with why they make bad decisions because i know it's a scary thing and most people don't think they're doing anything wrong. It would be my perfect fairy tale for this to happen, for him to repent, sweep me off my feet and show his undying love for me, but it's so much more than that. It's about who he is as a person that i really care about. If we never got back together, i'd at least know that we tried our best, we both put the effort in and it didn't work out. Knowing that there's so much more to why he acts the way he does, why things haven't been working since he moved, hurts more because i see it all and i'm helpless to do anything about it. He's my best friend and i care so much for him...

p.s. I'm a psychology grad student. I cant help but delve deeper and deeper into things in order to understand them better :-P

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 1:07am

I have something that would knock your socks off (psychology-wise) but there is no way to type it all here.


So let's go with this - the goal of the goal -


::What i want is for him to open his eyes to the truth of his actions.


But IF