Convince me not to write an ultimatum

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Convince me not to write an ultimatum
8
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 9:48am

So it’s been 4 months since my breakup of an 8 year relationship.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 11:38am

Before I try to answer, can you clarify something--is he actually trying to be friends with you (calling, wanting to get together, etc)?


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 2:43pm

I'm not going to convince you, ultimately I trust you are a grown woman who doesn't need to be told what to do or when she's being self-destructive.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 5:11pm

hihi northwestwanderer,


My ex never contract me since the breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:24pm

i feel as though our struggles are similar. those three "i just want to be friends" explanations are so true! my ex also said he wanted to be friends for all three of those reasons im betting. now i realize it was a huge cop out. he might have wanted that but in reality he can't do it. he did it as an easy way out because obviously, we are not even on speaking terms. it is very frustrating having someone say all these things to comfort you at such a trying time but to turn around and do the opposite of what they told you. i always feel as though i have to level things out, as you do.

you also say he never apologized and you don't understand why he doesn't feel bad. this might be his way of coping, running away. he might feel terrible guilt, and you would never know. if he had a tendency to hide his feelings or important issues that should've been addressed in the relationship, he is not going to go out of his way when the relationship is over.

i also feel as though my ex got the last word in, and has the upper hand. i've written many powerful letters, that i've never sent, and torn them up. you will save your dignity by not writing him such an ultimatum. he will be left questioning why you suddenly don't care to contact him or put the last word in. my ex specifically told me when we broke up over the phone that he didn't want me to have the last word because he knew i would want it so he left me powerless by dumping me in a very harsh phone conversation. if he is cowardly as you say, he will probably not even respond to it, and keep going through his day as if nothing happened.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:50pm

Ok--in that case, there's no point in emailing him to tell him you don't want to be friends, if he's not trying to be your friend.


And there's really no point in telling him you think badly of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 8:18pm

I am not the mature one here.


Write the letter and send it...just as your writting it...realize that anyone can read it....


Or...start writting it and you might find you don't want to send it and it will just make you feel better writting it.


If something is bothering me as deeply as this is bothering you...I have to write and send it.


And I do believe that you will feel better, just know that when you write it...it can be shown to anyone.

Missy
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:24pm

Interesting--I've had the opposite experience, except for once--it's always made me feel worse, especially if/when there was no response and it's set me back in my healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 8:46am

Hi Missy-


I am similar to you. I am definitely not the "mature one", and in my last relationship was very confrontational to a guy who was not able to express himself and

seachells